I don't understand how you don't get this. Our marriage is falling apart and you don't seem to care. I have had discussions with myself and tried with you, multiple times a day for years saying, it will get better once she finishes studying, once we move, once our children are a little older... I am lonely and I am disgusted at myself for no longer being confident in who I am, no longer looking in the mirror and liking what I see, while still being attracted to you, while you don't care about what I do, how I feel, what I want or need at all - as long as you get what you need to survive.
You don't seem to understand that intimacy is a part of a healthy relationship or that a relationship is about wanting to be the best for each other and actually trying to be. You don't seem to care or you are driving the relationship into the ground so you have a future excuse for why you left, blaming me for the result.
It was meant to be you and I against the world making a life despite the challenges we face, but I feel like the biggest challenge is us and I don't think you want to improve the situation, other than to make your own life easier so you don't have to listen to me whining.
You call me needy, but I am not, i can survive alone. It is just that when I am in a relationship I want that relationship to be healthy, otherwise there is no point. Relationships are important to me.
I feel uncomfortable being near you. I am scared to touch you, because if I do, you move away. If I tell you what I like or try something new, you judge me and make me feel like I am a deviant, when they are normal things that people do and try. I have these conversations in my head and I fantasise about just not caring and doing as I want with you, but I never will. I fantasise about you listening to me and understanding that I have given every opportunity to you I can to the point that I feel the best of me is gone. And the only thing I get back is your annoyance at my frustration, as if it is me who is demanding and a spoiled child.
You don't get that my moods are a symptom of the relationship that I have tried to build, my growing coldness a symptom of being rejected a thousand times and made to feel that I am not enough. So I fall silent. You say you care but your words are empty because your actions do not support them and then, I end up mirroring you and you blame me.
I no longer feel part of a family, you didn't even take a picture of me and the children together for Christmas, let alone us. That isn't something I should have to ask for, it should be automatic, as you should want to have me remembered in these events, but it has been this way for years.
I used to be warm and passionate, we used to speak about more than the day to day shopping list of tasks, we used to spend time together in bed holding each other in the morning and talking about our future. You stopped doing this before the kids, you stopped trying to impress me in any way, to push your limits for me, to play with our world. You stopped flirting with me and made me feel bad when I flirted with you, when I touched you.
I don't feel like I am a bad person, but I feel that you believe I am. I work hard, I am a good father and I help people when I can, but you are blind to it all, as everything say or do you see as an attack on you. There is no winning for me and in a relationship, it should always be win-win, even when compromises have to be made.
You don't seem to get that I will do anything for you and have done, but I also believe that a relationship is a partnership and there has to be reciprocity, a return in action. A relationship should make two people stronger than the sum of the parts, stronger than each as individuals, but in order to do this, both need to understand the other, trust them in their strengths and help them in their weaknesses. You don't trust my strengths, when I try to help you treat me as if I have attacked you.
As I have said a million times before.
Grow together, or grow apart.
You don't seem to want to grow together because it makes you uncomfortable, because it requires change to move toward someone who is different than yourself, to trust them. You are scared of being vulnerable and hurt, but you don't seem to care about my own pains, my own struggles and disappointments I face in this world. Every day I feel I face the world alone.
I have tried so hard to give you the things you want in this life, but even when I can, it is never enough to make you happy. I haven't seen you smile for me for a very long time and I have become your mirror, unsmiling. Every moment these things weigh on me, every time I look at you, I crumble a little more.
From the moment I saw you, you became the love of my life, yet I feel like my life is ending and all there is left to do, are more tasks. I will not hang on in hope until there is nothing of me left to hold on to. No relationship is guaranteed, but living it by default makes the end quite certain.
I dont want it to end, but I am tired. Tired of feeling this way every day, talking to myself and a the wall.
I don't even want to send this to you as I think you will see it as an attack. But I will send it still, maybe as my last act before I feel I am swallowed up and I disappear forever.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Long time, we had to wait to see and enjoy one more of your many fiction masterpieces again. ¿Huh? :)
I don't want to spoil the community. There is so much entitlement here already ;D
Ah C'mon! Just kill 'em!! hahahaha
So cute :)
For a moment there you had me worried mate, thought that I would have to travel all the way to Finland to give you a wake up klap.
Phew! I was never so happy before as when I saw that #fiction
Sad news is when two people get together and the "macho" guy is not really who he pretends to be. Sooner or later over the years his mask starts to slip and revulsion in the partner sets in, as she hates liars. So, after 20 years of constant lies, several marraige counseling sessions and other attempt to rescue the ship, it has finally sunk, as she filed for divorce.
A true story!
Honesty between partners is paramount!
:)
I think while there is a bit of "lie" in the flirting stage, these days there is so much nonsense and digital support that people no longer have any idea of what is truth and what is fiction. I have noticed that people are getting increasingly gullible as they can't decipher what is obviously a lie. Most can no longer read facial cues, as they spend so much time in front of screens where there is none visible or, it is made so obvious it is useless.
A real mess methinks and the most gullible are the elderly people, as so many still fall for the instant winning scams. Life on sreens seems to be a total scam my friend.
In real life we all wear masks to hide our perceived imperfectations, but the screens make it so much easier.
until i seen the fiction hashtag i was totally like "this guy is suicidal" feeling better already lol
This is really good. Scared me there for a moment :-) The struggle is real. You can definitely feel the emotion popping off the page.
Many people don't read the tags - but I am not going to jump out the window just yet.
Your fiction is always good, and this one especially so. You've imagined a circumstance that most all of us can relate to, for better or worse.
Thanks for a 'hard core' Christmas message.
I think with a couple relationships under the belt, most people will have a wealth of experience of what can go wrong. Bundle them together and it is a disaster movie.
I have realized that most of my Christmas time posts have been negative and I am worried that people think I am trying to steal their mood.
Fiction, what a good thing. Growing as one is not an easy thing to do. People change and sometimes those changes push them apart. An open line of communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
People change for many reasons and in many ways, Part of long relationships is understanding the changes and accepting them as they come. I also think that the world we have created is ideal for pushing people apart and into their own digital bubbles, so that when they do emerge and meet, they no longer recognize each other or perhaps, even themselves.
Hold on ... No matter what happens, children need both parents, even if they live apart.
Ideally yes, but if you think about all the people who have come from broken homes where a parent has passed from accident, illness or war and ended up okay, even that is a rule of thumb.
everything is possible.
Excellent writing! I found myself feeling quite relieved when I got down to seeing that one of the tags is "fiction." So... a very convincing piece of prose!
=^..^=
Thank you very much. I am hoping that this is never my reality, at least not all at the same time. Parts of it are certainly familiar.
Great fricken story. You could have a job writing movie scripts for the Hallmark Movie Channel.
These kinds of ones aren't easy for me to write at all. It is a weird and challenging place to put myself.
Learn to love yourself before you can love and be loved :-).
This is the rule isn't it? Perhaps it should come before the golden rule also.
So cute
Not sure what is cute about this.
Ahh so so cute❤️
Sure.
In every work of fiction is the element of truth squeezed into a story like patchwork.
Well written @tarazkp, very believable story, so many ideas that fit the bill of truth. Relationships can be difficult, too many people see the grass greener on the other side, finding most times it truly isn't. The fact is a good healthy relationship takes work and dedication, understanding and honesty. I think people just get lazy, or too wrapped up in their own head space that they don't even try to listen to their partner.
I agree, too much time is spent in our own bubbles. Communication is key to staying close.
So relieved to see #fiction