So, here lately I've been talking a lot with @daltono, and he recently led me to his post about his trouble with alcohol and how he got sober, which was an amazing read might I add, and I related a lot to how he felt, myself being under that evil spell as well.
He inspired me to write my own sort of tell all..but as I was scrolling through my recommended communities, I happened to find this freewriting community, and started looking through some of the posts to see what it was about. Then, I stumbled upon a 5 minute writing challenge.
While this is for a Freewriting Challenge, I feel like I should leave this in the OCD community, because it's got a lot of different subjects imbedded, and for that I am sorry..
So, inspired by both @daltono and @mariannewest, I wrote this..
Single Prompt Weekend 5 Minute Freewrite Challenge - Prompt: Grey Morning
On this cold and grey morning, we both awoke knowing that something wasn't quite right. I, depressed, and she was unsure of what she felt. I brushed it off, and went to work, waiting for the news of when we would be expecting you to come.
On this grey morning, as the uneasiness refused to settle, was the first day we would get to see you growing, and the first time we would get to hear the sound of your precious heart that was still forming.
As we continued, all the while feeling this cloud of dread hanging over our heads, we still hoped that we would get some good news and that this uneasiness would soon pass us.
But on this grey morning, we would find that you weren't moving, no heartbeat to be found.
On this grey morning, we lost the joy and the love that we had once felt, awaiting the day of your arrival.
Now, on the next grey morning, it will be your light that shines from above; keeping us, your Mommy and Daddy, safe from harm.
I hope you know how much we love you, our dearest Little One.
The (Heartbreaking) Inspiration
So, when I found this writing challenge, I knew immediately what I was going to write about, and got to work from 10 am to 10:05 am, which is based on the news we received recently..
I have to admit, I bawled the entire time I wrote it, and I am crying now just thinking about writing the rest of this, (again as I edit it..) but I believe that there is a healing power to writing..
This past Thursday, the 12th of May, my fiance, Murty, had her first prenatal appointment for our second child together. Needless to say, we were told the heartbreaking news that we had lost our little one..me being at work, knowing that I should have been at the appointment with her, was devastated, and dropped to my knees on the factory floor, and started bawling hysterically right there on the spot, after reading that text..this may not be our first child, but it's the first time we've experienced a miscarriage, and you never really think it will happen to you I guess, do you?
Being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, this is severely impacting my mental state and recovery. As of yesterday, Friday the 13th of all fucking days, my lucky number, I am 5 months sober from alcohol, and well over 2 years sober from all hard drugs. I do still smoke weed, and as of right now the only thing keeping me sane enough to not completely lose my shit..
But, given my past, I know this is a triggering moment for me, and a test from God to see how strong I am now, compared to the person I was before Murty and I got pregnant with our son, Tyler Junior.
It was the emotionally triggering times like these that, in the past, I would have dove head first into a bottle, and picked up any drugs I could find just to not feel whatever it was that I was feeling..my drug of choice was smoking methamphetamine, and I was addicted for many years, but I did anything that my "friends" would give me. I would withdrawal from the world, and self-destruct, destroying everything I had built.
But now that I've made it this far sober, God has really opened my heart and my eyes to see who I used to be, and the path that person was on..and in recognizing that, our little angel has helped me realize that I need to stay strong in my recovery and sobriety, I need to stay strong and keep providing for her mother, her brother and her sisters, and to be thankful for everything that we have in our lives, taking nothing for granted ever again..
I have to honor our little angel, and in her name, I will continue to stay strong..
I will make you proud Little One, and I know you are in heaven watching over us right now; and one day, hopefully much later in life rather than sooner, will your Mother and I finally have the chance to see your beautiful face, and meet you there, at Heaven's Gate.
We love you with all of our hearts, forever and always, Our Little One ♥️♥️
Thank you for reading, and please, keep us in your prayers.
With love,
Dude I'm so sorry..
I'm glad you're keeping a good outlook and staying strong man. You're doing a great job! You and your family are in my prayers and if you need anything, you know I'm around.
Thank you bro, I appreciate it.
It's hard, but we're trying. Everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff..but thanks brother, that means a lot to me!
Thank you for being a good friend, I truly appreciate you!