One friend passes on.
Another two are born.
One gets married.
Another two enter the spotlight.
Perhaps if life were simpler, I’d know how to process all this information.
Instead I have multiple jobs and multiple projects on my mind because there isn’t enough time in the day to mourn or celebrate. And yet I know I owe it o myself and to my friends to mourn and celebrate, and so I do so in bite sized chunks, in the same way our media has gotten shorter and more compact.
My mind feels completely fragmented trying to make sense of everything happening around me without dropping the ball.
Funnily enough I don’t feel stress. My heart is at peace. I’ve trained that part of myself to be in the moment and to feel what it feels, and to not be swayed by any judgmental programs that pop up in my mind.
But my mind is still full of those programs, because my mind is still taking it’s cues from the physical world, and the physical world is confusing sometimes!
If I had absolutely no commitments, no need to pay rent, no social normal to worry about, my mind would be calm too, as it was when I was a drifter. I let life have it's way with me, and it was uncomfortable and I was still broken, inside, but I did feel peace.
I know I could cast aside all the stress of having to face any of this, and not even in a moment of rage or despair, just a simple casting aside of these earthly commitments, to my body, to relationships, to past and future, and certainly to any expectations others may have of me.
This is where my mind keeps coming back to as I try to balance all these things, because I know there will be comfort in shedding the responsibility to maintain any kind of human connection, any need to earn money or even to eat.
But I do, in fact, like this game of being an "individual" in "society", at least more than I like the alternative of sleeping on floors with flea bitten skin and smelly armpits and no ability to build towards anything. Those days had their merit, as do these days.
I hope that wearing this persona, that sometimes forgets it's a character in a play, I can change the rules of the game a little bit, to ease up on the suffering, and to double down on the fun and joy and the play.
I cried silently in a cafe while eating a sandwich yesterday. I only had an hour before I had to go back to work. The staff tried very hard not to look at me while they served me. A man crying in public is not something people know how to respond to. Too bad. I owe it to myself not to hold back any tears. I did try not to look at any pictures of him because I wanted to save as much of the crying as I could for when I was alone...but I refused to hold the tears in, I will not do that for silly social norms that I don't believe in.
If we don't have the freedom to cry, what freedom do we have?
Do I call his wife now? She said any time. But once I go back into mourning mode, will I be able to get any work done today? Will she even answer my call now? She might be busy. How do I even talk to her. She lost the closest person in the world to her. I don't want to pity her because I know that's not what she wants. I want to make her smile or laugh, or relax. Is that even possible?
I know that once I call her, I can just rely on the flow of the moment and it will be fine. The problem is there are so many other things to think about and I don't know how calling her is going to impact the rest of my day. I need to congratulate another couple on having a baby...but I don't want to do that with thoughts of death in my mind.....and I don't want to numb myself either.....
I still haven't responded to that wedding invitation either. It's been 3 weeks....he's going to ask me about it soon. I don't really want to go. I hate weddings. I don't understand them. I understand love and committing yourself to a partner, but why do we need to gather somewhere fancy that none of us REALLY enjoy? Is he going to remember that I didn't go to his wedding? Maybe I can find students if I go to his wedding..... oh, but that's a horrible reason to go to a wedding... But I'm so tired from grinding, is it really so wrong thinking about how to level up my work situation and have more steady income? I'm not like these people who earn their money from a boss they hate.
And while I am on the topic of being self-interested..... I posted a short goodbye letter to my friend with a picture. I always hated when people share the moments that are supposed to be sacred on social media where it's all cheapened by a number of likes and how much the algorithm decides to send it out to people. There are even people who try to milk these moments as much as they can to get as many likes as possible, and if you don't think anyone is doing that, dig deeper, and if you don't think you've thought something like that at least once, ask yourself why you post anything at all.
But when I first heard the news, all I wanted to do was show the world his beautiful smile, and say "BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DO EXIST! LOOK!" and show everyone that while all lives are worth celebrating, his was among the most beautiful. He was a soft spoken tattoo artist who lived in the mountains of China and broke every single stereotype you've ever had. He belongs to his own tribe that has nothing to do with race or where anyone was born. We care not about some silly country whose passport is required to travel throughout the rest of the world, we did not consent to our nationalities.
I felt that I was a part of that tribe, despite the fact that I never had enough time to spend with them because life called us to different places. When I heard that he was gone, I felt the same way I did as when I felt the first time I met him.
This wasn't the first time.
It won't be the last.
So what's wrong with sharing my truth with the world? So what if there's a tiny little spec of self interest? I am quite sure he would have no problem with me sharing. Even if it earns me "likes", or makes people actually like me more, I'm sure he'd be even happier if it helped me find support. I don't need to feel guilty even if there is a tiny bit of that desire for attention that may translate into feeding my dreams and creating a positive feedback loop with life. That's the goal. Not to gloat or show off.
It really is only a tiny fraction of where my mind goes...until the guilt around it comes up. 40% of me is mourning, 40% is thinking about how to manage all these different commitments and the work I still need to do because I haven't reached the promised land yet. 9% is completely unrelated to any of this.
My goal is authenticity, love, healing, creativity, and fun. I haven't betrayed any of these and I haven't betrayed him, or anyone else for that matter. I even erased 3 sentences that would have you crying through the rest of this article, because it didn't felt like something that I had authority to share.
I haven't thrown out my integrity.
This is where I am now though, still in the process of building that channel for energy to flow to me, through me, and onto others. It makes sense that I think about what's good for me, and that I want to say no to this wedding invitation and that I've had baby photos in my inbox that I still haven't responded to, and that I want to write this before I call her, so that I can get my thoughts together.
Last night I told my partner, she knew him too, although his partner and I are the ones staying in touch mostly. It's the first friend my partner has lost. I had been hiding it from her for the previous 24 hours because she also has work and is planning a trip, and has been in a really great mood despite a lot of stress so I wanted to wait until a moment where she wouldn't have to get back to something immediately like I did when I found out in the middle of two classes. And I wanted to make sure I could spend time with her when she found out.
All of this going on, I went out to get some food, and spend time by myself but I ran into a friend who is quite gentle and sensitive and who I hadn't really talked to for a while, so my desire was just to spend time with him because I had it on my mind that you never really know when your time with someone has come to an end.
Another friend who is also my student was messaging me all day from a hospital bed where she has been for the past week with travelers thrombosis. She is 15 years older than me so I want to savor my interactions with her more than usal. The last friend I had who felt like another mother to me died at her age....
Do I let my thoughts go there? Should I avoid those thoughts because thoughts influence reality? No, emotions influence reality far more than thoughts do, and running away from something is delegating it to your subconscious mind which is far more powerful at manifesting reality. So I let myself sit with these worries, just for a moment, and remind myself of the impermanent nature of this life, and how I should be using all of this as fuel to share as much love and excitement with the world as I can.
My translation work was postponed to the wee hours of the morning again last night, as it likely will be tonight. And after I finish, I have to stretch because my neck is cramped and I want to have energy the next day, and as much as sleep helps with that, having a stiff neck will sabotage whatever sleep I can get.
Yesterday I also saw that one of my two favorite artists in Japan (not the one who keeps mysteriously standing next to me during other artists performances, another one) had the second episode of her podcast, and just as the first guest was a friend, the second guest is also someone I've met before and really admire, someone who runs an eco village I've visited twice, reminding me of how my world is getting smaller and smaller.
It filled me with even more energy to go and do the things I want to do, and connect, and to bring as many good people along for the ride as I can. Life doesn't always allow it though, as it has prevented me from doing a lot of things that I wanted to do over the past few years.
I sense a turning though. Death and birth are one in the same. We do not need to feel despair because nothing is ever truly lost, it simply changes. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
I will make more time for him, and for his partner who is still here in the flesh.
I will try to understand his will. And I will carry it with me. I still haven't lit a candle for him, but I will soon. And with it I ask the gods for the power to help reign in a more loving world.
Onward.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
Such a beautiful honest post. I feel so much love in your words.
You are a writer and an artist so of course writing and sharing your heart is your way to honor him. Also through your writing I get the chance to wish him a good journey as well 😊
And maybe I do like you a little more because of this post ^^ I like people more the better I'm allowed to get to know them ❤️
All the best to you!
thank you, I was crying while I wrote it.
”Also through your writing I get the chance to wish him a good journey as well”
This was my intention! I know a lot of people, and a bunch are closer to me than he was but he is one of those people who everyone always felt happy to see, every single time. When he had an issue with someone he didn’t keep it a secret but he made sure no one felt they needed to choose a side, just a real emotionally mature beautiful person. He was very good at bringing together other beautiful people who were into nature and music and freedom. We had a big language barrier cause I met him before my mandarin was fluent but it didn’t matter …ahhh hahaha I could keep going but I’ll stop here hahaha
Thank you for letting me show you this beautiful person who I’m sure you would have loved! I hope I can channel some of his energy to share with the world!
Thank you!!!! ❤️
Well what if your mind just couldn't let go of those worries, what if your emotions gets the better of your thoughts and it end up consuming your reality. How exactly will you stop those thought or emotions to manifest it self
There is a “no worry” blissful mode that is always available.
In meditation many people try to force themselves to think no thoughts but that’s really impossible to force. You just stop engaging with your thoughts. You create an “observer” and identify with them instead of your thoughts.
Some people permanently identify with the observer and forget to heal from their trauma and pain and think they’ve attained enlightenment. I was one of them for a few years but I found that we naturally desire to take part in this world and it’s healthy to take part in it. We can detach just to find peace and then come back to earth with more power to rewrite our story and spread more peace and love.
Face all fears, honor all desires, but do it in a way that feels best and most natural to you! I guess I’ll have to write more about this.
Hmmmm you know i suffered from emotional trauma for 2 years and it caused insecurity in my relationship, am still trying to let it go though that was why i asked this question. And in your response there is just one world that caught my interest, detaching oneself from the situation might really help the situation
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