Image by Frederic C81 on Flickr
Triggers! Gotta love em.
Today, all sorts of intense energy was stirring around in me, and I was already anticipating a conflict.
First, a text from my mom popped up on my phone. We have weekly phone conversations (at her request), and these conversations aren't exactly bad, but they are—shall we say—strained.
The first words of the text referred to how she was "thinking about our weekly phone conversations." Alright, my blood was boiling as I anticipated what she was going to say next.
I was ready to put my fighting gloves on! I was going to let her have it—oh yeah, I would tell her exactly how I felt about these conversations!
I couldn't bring myself to read the rest of the text, convinced it would ruin my day. But I found it hard to focus on anything else. Finally, I read it.
As it turned out, she actually had a very thoughtful suggestion about how to improve the quality of our conversations.
Now, the cynic in me wanted to sarcastically chime in, Oh yeah? I have a few thoughts too.
But the point is, she was making a genuine effort to improve our relationship. And here I was getting worked up over nothing!
The second incident was an email from my supervisor concerning some copy I worked on. Apparently, someone else was unhappy with the copy, referring to it as "peculiar" and citing a specific example.
Now, I put a lot of care and effort into my copy. How dare this person tear down my "masterpiece" based on one example? I indignantly replied to my supervisor making my case, with some examples of my own.
A while later, after I had calmed down a bit, I realized the error of my ways. My supervisor was just the messenger! He certainly didn't deserve my ire.
I sent him a second email, apologizing.
Furthermore, I should have learned by now—after years and years of having my writing critiqued in both an academic and a professional setting—not to take things so personally.
So what's the moral of the story (in both examples)?
First, think before you react.
Second—and this is the bigger lesson—often we externalize what is happening inside of us. We make somebody or something else the problem instead of addressing the deeper issue and, in the words of Michael Jackson, the man (or woman) in the mirror.
I'm not proud of either of these things—the email to my supervisor or even that I thought about saying those things to my mom.
But I want to be transparent. We all have our messy moments—moments when we fall into the same old patterns, even though we know better, even though we've been down that road a million times before.
What's important is that we recognize these patterns. That itself is an accomplishment, because it's so much easier to recognize them in others than in ourselves.
Then, we don't beat ourselves up. We simply shine the light of awareness on it. And we keep moving forward.
Let me know how I can help you in identifying patterns and moving forward.
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Wow, I've been facing the same issue. I tend to be defensive and react rather than respond.
The issue occurs mainly with my Mom and with my wife.
Sometimes I'm in a situation and in my mind the situation is taking place with my Mom present whose across the globe actually. And I'm arguing with her and getting worked up.
Seems like I took "Imaginary" to another level!
Thank you for sharing. I actually looked this up (getting worked up over imaginary conversations) and a lot of articles came up, which helped me feel less alone! Apparently it's a defensive mechanism to help us feel protected, like we won't be "blindsided" by a conflict. To stop this endless back and forth in my mind, I remind myself that it's impossible to predict every single thing and furthermore, most times it turns out better than what I expected (as was the case with my mom).
youte welcome. and thanks for that info. I should read up myself ad well as I never did. was actually thinking of seeing a professional about it.
Glad it helped!
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