“Urgent! urgent! Turn up the productivity! Go go go go!”
The voice in my head no longer speaks in words, those have been sufficiently deconstructed, but they echo through my habits.
Silence is a terrifying thing.
There is so much to do. So much to be. So much that needs to be done. So much….
There are 30 books I’d read if I had the time. 10-20 games. A few movies. A few tv shows.
Backlog anxiety.
It makes me sade to think that I won’t get around to every story that interests me.
More than that though, if I have time for all the escape, shouldn’t I be focusing on things that are more creative and fulfill me?
Oh there’s guitar and writing stories and making video media now but there’s also piano and writing different stories, music production, and visual design. What about that podcast you were making? What about that YouTube channel? And blogging every day?
There’s lots of events where I could potentially connect with other artists…go out! Meet them!
Ah but money! Money, you need money. You don’t have enough work. You need to find more work. Better focus on that.
The work isn’t enough, should you lower your price? Should you change your field?
Oh but there’s no more time for art now! Maybe if I try harder to monetize my art?
Go go go!
Fight for attention! Gotta grab them!
Why was I making art again? I thought I liked it.
I’m not sure I like it like this. This art doesn’t feel like art anymore. It just feels like work.
Just keep at it! Keep at it!
Grind here. Grind there.
It’ll all come together if you just grind!
One year passes. Three years pass.
It hasn’t come together, and it’s been difficult to balance.
But there has been incredible progress.
The progress came from the excitement.
Excitement led to your first visual artwork being completed in a single evening. It led to a new song in the moments between work when you weren’t even trying to make a song.
Excitement led to you learning how to edit videos and produce music. It led to 3 books publish and an EP. It led to adventures. It led to confidence and finding your own voice.
It wasn’t the grind.
The grind was a story you told yourself. A story you inherited. The belief that it needs to be hard. The idea that you might not make it. That’s all the grind ever was.
Remember to sit in silence. Remember to just be where you are and to find something to be excited about. And if you reach a dead end, instead of walking in circles, slow down and enjoy the scenery.
Yes there are still things to do but you’ll get to them. You’ve already hacked the system. You are already at the next level. Enjoy it. Don’t forget to enjoy you!
Part of you always thought you’d fail. You’ve already proved that part of yourself wrong. Time to pop the rest of your doubt like a balloon.
Time to remember your life is happening right now. Not tomorrow. Not when you’ve achieved some goal. Right now.
We have a new account for our yarn shop in Tokyo . @tentententen
Check out my songs on Spotify, on Apple Music, or Youtube
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I identify a lot with what you wrote, you expressed well that anxiety that restless and creative minds suffer. We seek a perfect moment that is never the one we are in, pursuing a perfection that does not exist. Doing more all the time only leads to insane exhaustion. It is in those times where it seems that we do nothing when the magic happens. During those aimless walks, watching that movie without substance that later we are not going to review, sitting on a bench on the street watching people pass by. That's when the brain makes the connections it needs to create. Thank you for expressing yourself and sharing it with us. Keep trusting yourself!
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I guess it’s a survival mechanism. We want to prevent future suffering so our brain strategizes (or panics) and brings us away from where we are at. Our RAM is always spent up unless we turn off a the extra the anti virus software. We don’t need to constantly scan the system!
Thanks for reading! Hope your day is magical!
That's right, is a survival mechanism. I love the antivirus metaphor, I will try to remember it the next time I detect that the brain becomes hyperactive. 😁
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Aww thank you so much! ☺️
If you don't take in other art, you don't get inspired by the creativity of others. Or exposed to new forms of art and styles. The consumption of creative forms goes hand in hand with the creation of it. For every film, song, book, piece of art, there's hundreds of creations before them that inspired their creation.
Then you're just left with that feeling that you need to create, or work. But the ideas don't flow. The burnout arrives soon after.
I don’t know if that’s necessarily the case although it can definitely open up new possibilities. I think we can be our own input and that art can be inspired by experiences, not necessarily other art.
My burnout doesn’t come from a lack of input but a lack of a healthy feedback loop. I constantly feel like it’s too late because I wasted so much time, and I never seemed to have the resources to do what I want before. Technology has made it way easier.
It’s a desire for freedom that’s so strong that I sacrifice my own freedom for my future freedom without always realizing when it’s not working and I’m just sacrificing my freedom for the idea of freedom
This is lovely, as I was checking on this, I noticed you are a very hard worker, keep at it, that's what life needs to be successful. Enjoy your day.
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This is such a raw and powerful reflection.
It's amazing how you've captured the constant tug-of-war between ambition, creativity, and just being present at the moment.
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