I'm pretty sure we've all met somebody like that.
That special someone in your life who always seems to be traversing existential drama, and for whom every single week seems to be an unlucky week. Whether it's anxieties about their job, relationship, family, illness, holiday, some major purchase or any and everything under the sun, this person always seems to be going through something.
I have a few people currently in my life like that. With a lot of them, management is quite easy, because if you perceive someone's one of those early enough or badly enough, all you can really do is let them go, as they probably won't bring much value to your life. Some, though, by custom, shared history or redeeming traits, you decide to keep in your life despite the drama. How?
In the past, this was quite an issue for me. I'm very emotion-led and would really get involved in these people's stories. When a girlfriend was going through a rough situation with her partner, I'd be crying and upheaving my entire day based on that. Wasting hours giving support, advice, courage, etc.
I say "waste" because with some people, it is. Some people genuinely seem to relish the dramatics, the having a major problem every hour, on the hour. Which takes some getting used to, especially if at first you believe them when they say all they want is peace.
When the pigeons get antsy, how do you stay a motherfucking seagull?
Needless to say, my friend never wanted peace. She was and is (unfortunately) addicted to the chaos. People sometimes get addicted to it, and it's easy to see why. It makes you stand out, in a way, gives you a story, a place in the spotlight, a something that makes your existence on this planet memorable. It's also a convenient restructuring of the existential chaos that surrounds us at all times, unmanageable on the fringes of existence - so terrified of that, we try to make our own bite-sized version, like a drama at work. Besides, draw enough woe to your life, it makes it that much easier to overlook your own glaring disappointment and unhappiness.
There's no time to ask am I leading the life I wanna lead, when you've always got some urgent problem to solve and feel (slightly) good about yourself.
Is that mean of me to say? I don't know. But there are such people who seem to constantly be attracting misery, and in time, I've developed a technique for dealing with them.
I say thank you. I try as I can to be compassionate about their issues, but to be frank, it's a surface-level compassion often. When you're constantly attracting misery into your life and clinging to it like your existence depends on it, you can't really blame me for not being overly-sympathetic.I listen to their dramas quite attentively, but I've got to constantly reel myself in and remember that this is not my problem. Because the moment I do, I start looking for helpful comments and solutions, and I've come to understand some people don't want that. Some aren't asking for it, sure, they just want to be listened to. I know that. But what about those who do ask, but have no follow-through?
If you choose to linger in your own misery, it's not really my duty as someone who loves you to wallow alongside you.
I'll wallow for a little while, but usually, I'll walk away lighter thinking well I may have my own shit to deal with, but at least I'm not reveling in it like they are. It's a subtle perspective shift, but goes a long way.
I assess my mind constantly for weeds. Are these my fears, my anxieties? Or am I just taking someone else's worry for my own - my mother's, my culture's, my lover's? We're taught that to be compassionate is to share the fears, and to a certain extent, I agree. After all, it's the bad far more than the good that forges a bond. Except, you've got to be really careful about submerging yourself in fear. It has a nasty habit of taking over you, and what good are you to the original person if you're being led by your fears, as well?
I take long stretches of time alone to center myself and remember the things that make me me - my music, my interests, my writing, my body. Then, I rethink how truly scary/important the other's complaints and anxieties are. It feels selfish every time, but I think it's necessary. If I'm able to see past your fears, maybe one day, you will be as well.
How do we set boundaries with people who've got none? How do you say "this is your worry, don't make it mine"? It's necessary to master a level of disconnection where, though I may sympathize, I'm not drawn into their reality whole.
Now, how easy that is to do is a question for another time.
prompt from the MINIMALIST community,This was an attempted response to this week's #KISS
How do you mindfully avoid letting the anxieties of others affect your daily life and achieving your goals?
Why don't you try your own hand at it? :)
Been there before and resulted in cutting people out of my life. Even 10 years long friendships! Life is too short and hard to consume yourself with others' drama constantly, ugh.
I agree! It's never easy cutting someone out though, so if there's a way for you to be okay and keep the relationship, that's nice too :D
To be truthful, it will be unfair to me if I overly stretch myself by taking up someone else's stress or naggings, be it whatever is. I actually have my shit to deal with and I need to focus on mine more. I could be your listener, but for how long? Listening is actually a huge job.
That's why I set my boundaries and apply them slowly.
I enjoyed reading your post.
Thank you! You're right, it's stretching yourself too thin and ultimately, it doesn't serve anyone when you try to take on more than you can handle. Thanks! :)
You are welcome.
I moved all by myself to a whole new city and realized 9 of every 10 of my problems weren't even mine to begin with 😂
Now I spend 9/10 of my time by myself and tbh need no company at all.
I can definitely relate! I have a similar thing happen to me whenever I go on a longer journey - it's so much more peaceful when I'm away from some people (though we've also gotta watch that tendency to lone wolf it, don't we?). Cheers! :)
Oh my! Maybe it is a super power to see past people’s fears because not many people do that.
And it really is waste as you said. There are times you listen to people speak for hours and all that while you can’t even find what exactly is wrong. Not even one issue.
Life becomes so much better when you learn to identify those who're addicted to chaos and negativity and free yourself from their vortex of drama. It's tough to walk away at first but becomes easier. I've learned to view it more like I'm protecting my own energy rather than walking away from a friendship / relationship..it's more self-preservation.
That's so true! It's also doing a favor of sorts to the other people in your life (and sometimes to the person addicted to the drama themselves). After all, what good are you to anyone if you're cranky and depleted all the time over some problem that's not even yours? :)
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