I started the day with an order for an organic food brand. We do a quarterly wellness newsletter, which is great since it basically allows me to talk about whatever health/diet/beauty curiosities I have and get paid for it. Anyway, it set me in a pensive, and grounded mood which put me in mind of the Minimalists, so here we are.
Much as I try, I'm not someone well-accustomed with balance. I go through long periods of chaos, and then look back, and wonder how I managed to sustain myself through them. In the past year, I've been looking for more supportive pillars, to keep my sanity in place. Yet for each one I find, I observe another ten cracks in the foundation. A creaky base. Water gets through. The more I look inward, the more I'm amazed/embarrassed/upset over the irregularities, the dangerous behaviors, the profound imbalance of the past several years. I see now many ways in which I could've acted better, and I think one of the first ways to create balance is to accept those indiscriminately.
I am different from who I was this time last year, but is that fair? Am I allowed? This question often bothers me. Were I to stand before the people who observed and indulged my transgressions, chiefly before my former self, could I honestly just shrug off who I used to be, like a dirty jacket?
The title, as some may have guessed, is a LOTR reference. Treebeard tells the hobbits "That doesn't make sense to me. But then, you are very small." It's how I felt finding this tree in the forest.
I seem to be doing that a lot. And then I think the person I'll be next year might be so different from who I am now... at times, it's enough to make me think none of it is worth it. Movement. Why move forward, when you don't know where forward is?
But.
But I do think I'm moving in a better direction, and I've thought that for a while now. There's a lot more peace in my life than there used to be. A lot more ownership of who I am, and what I've done, and what I've got to prove to the world, which is nothing. In the past six months alone, I've reached so many realizations, embraced such deep understanding that I wouldn't have thought possible.
I run from it, wherever I can, because I think it's bullshit to play the martyr and take it when you don't gotta. That's not to say I can't handle stress, just that I'm picky about the things that get to stress me. I have a lot of empathy, so I tend to get caught up in other people's problems easily. Which means stress. So I'm learning to curb that, while keeping the empathy warm and tender. Not letting my heart get harder, as Warren Zevon would say.
I'm teaching myself to let go of the things that do not pertain to my life, to my freedom. I try to only get stressed over things I can change, while observing the rest from a distance. It helps.
But by far a more profound change has been the way I manage the stressors in my life. Like most people in their twenties, I suppose, there's a lot of angst over walking the right path. A lot of questions, and nagging doubts, and fears. Which risk overwhelming me. They often did, which is how a lot of bad influences, ideas, and behaviors get through in the first place. Once you get control of someone's squishy self-fears, you essentially got them in your pocket. So you need to guard those fears like a hawk, and not let them overwhelm you.
I try to focus on how I can change. I've learned to listen to instinct more, and the more I do that, the more I find the answer to be easy. Often, the solution is what I want to do in my heart. At the very least, if it turns out to be wrong, I get the satisfaction of having listened to my instinct. And I don't know many things more valuable than that.
What am I stressed about right now?
Where to go next. I don't know if I want to stay here, or travel some more. I'm scared, as ever, of making the wrong choice.
Finishing the book I'm working on. But that'll get done one word in front of the other.
Publishing the first one, which is already done. That's tricky. And easy to get upset about. I'm worried no one will wanna put it out there. In which case, I'll just put it out there myself. I'd rather know nobody wanted to buy it than have it sit in my drawer till the end of time. Not knowing is how you grow frustrated and bitter, so in the end, managing stress, for me, is about making a choice.
I don't know if it's gonna be the right choice, but honestly, living in guesswork is a hell of a lot more stressful. So I won't have that.
Managing stress also means speaking it out loud. That's what I did above. Even saying these things here, to the blockchain, is a bit stressful. It's always stressful showing people the little things that make you tick. But if you ignore the scary things, you allow them to grow, until they become so firmly rooted they're no longer a mere stressor. They're the foundation rock of your frustrated, jaded self.
And that really fucking scares me.
For now, I'll start small. Writing my newsletter got me thinking about adaptive living. I almost wrote 'leaving'. Freudian slip? Haha. I don't think you're supposed to live the same way year-round, just like I don't think you're supposed to eat the same way year-round.
I want to wake up earlier, and get some sunlight in early in the morning. I keep hearing good things about that, how it regulates your circadian rhythm or some such, and I wanna see how that pans out.
I want to spend time in the sun.
I want to eat lighter.
I want to try the cucumber, kiwi, lemon water @millycf1976 told me about.
Banal stuff, I know. Or is it?
What do you mean? Of course, you are! You are a different person from who you were yesterday, you know? You're older and wiser today!😉
Seriously, you are strong and far wiser than your years. That's the reason why you experience all of the things you say you do.
💯%
This was an amazing read 👏
Thanks for your #KISS
I enjoyed it 😉
lips sealed
That's an excellent point! It's something I need to remind myself periodically, so I guess something I'm still working on, which is why I thought it'd make a good place to start here.
Thank you for your beautiful words, my friend. They mean so much <3 Honestly, I think it's a lot about who you interact with, as well. I was lucky to find Hive/Steemit when I was 17/18, so have spent a good deal of these important years around people who've opened my eyes, and enriched my perspective, among whom, yourself <3 so thank you for that as well.
I'm glad you enjoyed, it was fun to write! Finally back to my keyboard, so had to kick off with a Hive post, no? :D
I like these lyrics a lot, very in tune to this mood I guess.
WoW! You started your Blockchain journey so young. You ought to be proud of yourself 🤗
That's a nice tune to listen to. Some powerful lyrics. We're all on our way.
That quote above is everything! 🙌
All credit to my mom for discovering this place :) but yeah, it shaped a lot. I woulda never gotten into a daily writing practice were it not for this place.
It is, he's a good artist. Not normally my cup of tea, but I like the themes he plays with.
My husband discovered the Blockchain through an Aussie guy who lived on our compound while I was in the Philippines. He onboarded a few people (who are no longer actively blogging, unfortunately), and I was one of the last ones to join. I'm a reticent person, so I was sceptical about sharing any part of me with strangers, but I'm a lot more open now. 😊
100%! I was super shy when I first got on here. Hence the pen-name. I look back and realize how scared I was of everything and everyone. And how this place showed me there's (still) things to be scared of, but still a lotta good things in the world.
Pen-names are not bad, and yours is a nice one;)
When I started on Hive, I was new to the blogging world and I didn't't realise that I would not be able to change it.
My life is pretty much open on Hive though, and yes, I've met some wonderful people from all different walks on here, and it has been amazing:)
That was a lovely read.... and many thoughts came through my mind:)
Gosh, yes, when you realize how over time there will be more and more pathes that you will never take... but also that is a thought that I just push away, since it never brought me any good, I think.
Unless Treebeard comes around and makes you remember, how beautiful live is:)
I have read something like "Doing something might not always make you happy, but not doing anything certainly never will." (by some person, I do not remember who)
Oh and this:
Yes! It feels good to name it:) I am glad you did!
Cheers:)
I'm beginning to see that more and more, and wonder why dwell on paths I didn't take. It's terrifying to think of all the things you'll never do/people you'll never know now because of certain choices. Then again, so is ignoring your current choices for the sake of the past :)
Very resonant :D Perhaps, sometimes, this guides me too much. We'll see. Thank you for the lovely words! :)
Ah yes for sure for some it's more one or the other way. I think I would definitely find more things, I could regret not having done or tried, than things I did. Or at least when you do you can always learn from it if everything else didnt work.
Amazing read, I throughly enjoyed that and so much rings true for me too.
I hope you get to publish that book.
Where are you considering living (almost typed leaving too!).
They say there is no way to make wrong choice. Every choice is perfect for what we need to learn. I’m no too sure. Looking at some events of my life from the hindsight I do wonder if I’ve made many bad decisions or did I have to learn how to be more humble and to compromise?
Questions, questions- always more of those than the answers 😉
Thank you so much, I'm happy to hear it resonated!
Ha! Freud coming through other people now, feels like an invasion of blockchain privacy xD Spain, maybe, or Costa Rica. Seems each day, I hear about another amazing place to spend some time in.
That's a very interesting take, and (I reckon) one more close to the truth. I think it's a bit of deluding ourselves when we say all choices were right. I think you can look back and realize you couldn't have made a worse decision.
But then, we couldn't say that, because that'd be taking ownership, and accepting the bad thing's done. And you come out the bad guy (and who wants that?).
Both seem like great places to live ☺️
Oh, the times I ended up being the bad guy/girl were a lot! Of course that’s a matter of perspective. What’s bad for one might be good for the others. In general bad/good is relative.
Have a great day 💙
I agree, completely Bad is relative, and sometimes, you have to take responsibility for what you've done, even if it's not rose-tinted. Thank you, you have a good one too! <3
I enjoyed reading this dear. I was kinda surprised. I'm sorry if I may sound offensive, but the way you write made me think you are older. Like way older. I didn't know you were in your twenties. You really are wise beyond your years and this post was refreshing to read for many reasons. It's so so nice hearing you say things that are so similar to what I go through. And I hope you get to achieve everything you want. I'd love to read your book when it gets published too.🤗
Not in the slightest, no! :D I'm told that a lot, honestly, and I don't know if it's good or bad, but I've kinda accepted this maturity by now. thank you, I'm genuinely glad you resonated, and thank you for the kind words and support. It means a lot :)
Trust me, it's a good thing. Being able to talk wiser than your years. I'd probably do cartwheels if someone told me that. I'm always happy to read your posts dear friend. Have a wonderful week.🤗
Good point :) I wish I knew how to cartwheel :) Likewise.
No worries, that will quickly pass... I mean, the twenties ;-)
Well, that isn't so bad :)
Hey There!
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Thank you very much!! <3
This right here resonate so much with me until I started learning to balance my involvement with other people 's problems.
You write so beautifully, and I know your book will be a great blessing to your readers, you wouldn't want to denied people such blessings will you?
Tricky, isn't it? Especially if you want to be distant, but also, you know, keep human and warm, and all that.
Thank you for your lovely words :) They do mean a lot.
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Aw I think that's never happened before. Cheers!
Yeah, that's great @honeydue! Enjoy your badge and have a nice day 😊👍
beautiful and very wise words! all this leaves us thinking for a long time!
Thank you! :)
great text
thanks