This is a shitpost.
I watched Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix recently, and one of the lines that hit me hard was, "Write it like no one will ever read it." The first time I heard it, I felt on fire to pop out post after post. After the second time, it suddenly felt more personal.
Do I really think that no one's going to read this? That's a load of bull. This is the blockchain. But sure, let's pretend I'm shouting into the void. I need one right now. Maybe you're feeling the same way. You're free to join the shouting.
I would like to think that I have a good grip on myself. Calm and collected. Logical.
But, my god, all hell breaks lose every single time I start feeling more than I could handle. And for that, I have been throwing hate on myself lately. I have hated myself a whole lot for the past few days - or weeks. Insecurities about numerous things start showing their ugly heads. Lots of self-talk and cursing in the air involved. Lots of, "what the fuck are you doing?" And all other variations of the same question. Nearly quit writing. Nearly quit trying anything at all.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not sad. I've genuinely been happy these days.
What doesn't sit well with me is the irrationalities that come with feelings. Anything that could cause fear, anger, and disgust can turn me into a walking time bomb. Not because they're negative feelings but rather because I do not understand the reasons why they're present. Why are they so hard to dismiss? Am I supposed to sit with them and talk about what's happening? They can piss off.
Ironically, I can listen to other people talk about their feelings, but I can't handle mine well.
I have been trying to listen to all sorts of music to simmer down. If that does not work, maybe doing some workout routines could do the trick. Options A and B are unhelpful?! That's fine. I'll bottle it all up! And then wallow in the shame of it all until I decide that I could swallow my pride and talk to someone I trust.
Punching walls used to be my favorite, but I am trying my best to stick to harmless solutions even if my head tells me there are more unhealthy ways to cope. I will never go back to the days when I used to run my thumb over bruised knuckles no matter how tempting the thought is. I will be clear that I want to be gentle with myself. I still want to live longer and do stupid things I can laugh about when I grow much older.
Apparently, I'm stuck with bottling everything up. I could go on for days and days trying to rationalize these emotions and get frustrated that I'm getting nothing from it. Shutting myself out from everyone is starting to be a scary possibility and I hate it.
I hate how navigating around this concept is such a pain in the ass for me when it isn't that hard. I hate that I'm asking so many whys and hows when I can just let it run through me. I hate that I consider my moments of vulnerability as huge weaknesses. I hate that I can't handle this on my own. And I hate that I hate myself right now.
I honestly don't know where am I even going with this. Maybe feeling will never be my strongest suit and staying snarky was the best route, to begin with.
Or maybe, I should stay on course and be patient with my dumb ass for a change. I'm lucky enough to have a partner who's willing to hold my hand through it all. I'm lucky enough to have other people I could trust, too.
For now, I will acknowledge that this is some tough shit and I am fucked. But not for long. I hope.
Hop on to your next agenda. This was a shitpost but thank you for stopping by.
PS: Go get a therapist if you need one. And don't forget your meds.
I think most of us feel the same way. We are a generation good with bottling feelings up until it explode then we end up crying and feeling frustrated over things that we don't understand why, sometimes the things that trigger us are not really that big of a deal but since we have been setting aside our emotions for a long time then it's like walking on eggshells the whole time and ever bit of trigger can be a time bomb, waiting to explode.
It's easier to give advise and listen to other people's problem but ironic how sometimes the advise we easily give to others are the hardest things that we can apply to ourselves.
Exactlyyyy. I wish we could grow out of this mindset. I sure am trying to but it's hard as heck.
Kapit lang. Kaya yan.
!PIZZA
Yes, laban lang sa buhay. There are still a lot of things to be thankful and grateful for.
i just erased a long ass comment before this LOL. Do not worry much arc, remember we're all in the same boat aka earth, i could say I have been in the same position over and over, and as long as we live these points in our life will always exist, there will always be struggles, hardships and pain.
To me they are teachers of life to create a better self, maybe you're just bored, maybe you're just missing out something that you need to become or maybe im wrong. "rest if you may, but don't quit"
I hope you get over your troubles, And never forget the you're not alone on this, annddd therapist are expensive, go with friends first, they're free and very much open to listen. live, laugh, love that is the best remedy.
Stoic says "Comparison is the thief of all joy"
and if I compare my life to yours, i think your situation is 210% better than mine, so your good! smile! Eat some !PIZZA show some !LUV and pass it around. 😀
PS my comment is still long af smh 🤦🏽
Let's help build each other!
Di mo sure, Mebu. Chariz! Thank you for those thoughtful words~ Doesn't matter if it's a long ass comment or not. I appreciate chu. uwu
Sending some !PIZZA back!
Ahhh ahh "And I hate that I hate myself right now" this is exactly what I feel for myself. It's hard not to do so specially if we're experiencing something rn. And, the thought of wanting to be okay, but can't coz of so many reasons. Aigoooo. Fighting Arcuuuu 💪 hang in there 💪
Sending hugs, Ruffa~ We can do this~
!PIZZA
I'm a bottler of those damn things called emotions! Lol. I tend to keep things locked down if I can as there are more important things in life than some of the stuff but it's not fun when those bottles crack open!
They're just so hard to deal with! Can't I lock them into a vault? Hahaha. There's so much more to think about than this... But alas, it's inevitable so might as well try to deal with it.
!PIZZA
Being an adult is not about being self reliant.
Often, it's accepting that shit happens and sometimes you need help.
Take it easy and be kind to yourself.
Take it slow it's not a race.
Open up to people that you trust.
Magkape ka daw.~
.
Ayos lang yan.
Relax~
Care~
.
✌️
Labyu Demo~
Wala bang walkthrough 'to? Hahaha umay naaa
Pero di magre-rage quit. uwu
Luh nag labyu ako naiwan tuloy yung !PIZZA
Even if you punch the wall, you can't let it go. You will only get wounds and bruises...
Better contain your feeling, relax until they subside, or simply express them in writing. Or open to a friend maybe?
Chillax. Grab some !PIZZA 😊
Thank you, Jane. Have some !PIZZA too~
Lika Arc, kape at usap tayo anytime~
Timplahan mo ko, as a friend~
Libre ko na !PIZZA
Puntahan ka namin ni @demotry, dala fuds.
pwedeeeeeeeee.
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I felt this on multiple levels haha! I'm happy that you were able to voice out your frustrations, that was no easy task. And do remember that I'm always one message away 💜 hugs!
Leaving you a late reply to annoy the shit out of you. HAHAHA
But yes. This was hard to write but I'm glad I did it anyway. Thanks for the voice of support and you know that I'm also a DM away. ;)
!PIZZA
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