Somewhere along the line, I learned to say "thank you" and "you're welcome." I don't know how specifically I came by it, but I'm sure my parents had something to do with its initiation at least, and I've just found that it's something you do in a polite, civilized society.
Of the two, I find myself saying thank you most often, simply because I'm on the receiving end of things more than on the giving end. These thank yous can surface in a variety of situations. Sometimes, they occur multiple times, with the same individual, within a minute or two.
One example. I'm at a drive-thru. I give my order and almost invariably, tell the fast food worker thank you for taking it. Then, when I get up to the window and hand over my debit card for payment, I say thank you again when they hand it back to me.
Give me my drink and straw. Thank you. My food. Thank you. They tell me, "Have a nice day." I say, "Thank you. You, too," and I drive away.
When someone says thank you to me, I generally say, you're welcome. This response can be a little bit tricky, though, depending on what all might be involved. Too many times, I haven't really done much to deserve thanks, and the other person is just being polite. I used to reply with something like, "I didn't really do much" or something like that, because I felt like I needed to acknowledge that what I did wasn't that praiseworthy.
Over the last several years, though, I've stuck with you're welcome in most cases, as it seems to be the best way I can find to thank the other person for their politeness. Maybe they didn't really need to say thank you to me, but they did it anyway. At this point, I'm merely trying to meet their politeness and whatever measure of gratitude is truly due with some of my own.
I think most people I come in contact with in such situations are polite in similar ways. If I open up a door for someone, generally, there's a thank you and you're welcome exchange. Vice versa if someone is doing it for me.
You're Welcome Takes A Hit
However, there has been a trend of late as to how people will respond when I say thank you. It stems, in part, to the standard you're welcome somehow sounding facetious, or disingenuous. I'm not sure why you're welcome would be considered such, but apparently, among some people, predominantly younger folk, it is.
I'm not entirely sure when this started to be a thing, but I think I began to notice it within the last couple of years. Since I don't do a whole lot of traveling, it could just be a local thing. However, after it had been happening for a while, I decided to do some research on the internet as to why you're welcome wasn't good enough.
One article I read linked this newly found avoidance of you're welcome with the Disney movie, Moana, and more to the point, the You're Welcome! song the character Maui sings. Apparently, you're welcome comes off as arrogant, or depending on the situation, perhaps even sarcastic.
We've probably all experienced where someone does something to someone else that the person on the receiving end isn't all that thrilled with. "Thanks a lot," they might say. In response, the other, knowing full well what they've done and that the thanks really isn't intended, will likely say, "You're welcome."
Somehow, from that, you're welcome is now less desirable?
YOU'RE
I get it, I guess, but is it solely the words, or is it the context, intention, and the inflection? The words themselves don't convey the entire point, and I think most of us know that. And yet, I find myself having these encounters where I've said thank you and people, as I've said, mostly of the younger generation, find themselves trying to respond with anything but you're welcome, apparently, trying to be genuinely polite and somehow conveying that better.
That's okay. I've found myself switching things up, too. However, if the idea is to be genuine, there's much more to it than the words, because some phrases don't sound any better. They actually sound worse.
Some Responses Are Good, Others Not Really
Here are some of the responses I've received over the last little while, starting with ones that seem perfectly fine as substitutes, to ones that really aren't that good.
My Pleasure
I like this one. It goes into the "Happy to help," kind of category. Usually, the idea is to make me real sure that the speaker enjoyed doing whatever it was the thank you was for. Obviously, it too can be used facetiously, but for the most part, it's harder to do.
You Bet
I think I've managed to say this one a time or two myself. In my case, I'm just trying to be more casual about it. Saying you're welcome can seem a little too formal and there are definitely some occasions where you bet is more than acceptable. In the cases I've done it, it's normally with someone I know fairly well, and maybe when I think what I've done isn't that worthy of thank you. In my mind, it's kind of like saying, "It was nothing," without saying it.
Again, you bet or it was nothing can come off insincere or even uppity depending on how you say it.
Don't Mention It
I'm sure I've said this, too, probably to people I know well, and probably with a little bit of embarrassment, simply because whatever I've done to receive the thank you was done out of friendship or love, or in saying it, I'm expressing the fact that I've been on the receiving end myself too many times to count. While it's a substitute for you're welcome, in my case, it actually means more what it says. There's just not a need to say thank you because when people are close, respect or love each other, we do what we do because of that. No words need to be expressed. I know the person is grateful, and they know I did it without compulsion or some need for reciprocation.
Anything Ending With Bud
Or pal. Or friend. Extend that to dear, honey or sweetie, too.
Unless the person saying it truly is my friend, wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, etc., and even then, I might still have a problem with honey and sweetie.
Perfect strangers, at the checkout counter, or the drive-thru window, not so much. I don't know if people think they need to try to be personable, and that saying those words are actually accomplishing it, but generally, I find it more off putting than not.
To be clear, again, if someone I know or am reasonably acquainted with used those terms, it's fine. I might say them myself, sans the dear, honey and the sweetie. But perfect strangers. No thanks. I don't find it that endearing.
Of Course
If the objective is to sound less pretentious or more genuine, of course, in my mind, is a fail.
Especially, when the of course is usually accompanied with an expression and an inflection that are borderline condescending.
I understand what's intended. I'm saying thank you to someone whose job it is to take my money and give me my food. In most cases, I'm sure they're trying to say, "Hey, it's my job. Let's not get too crazy here."
Instead, it just comes off wrong. It's like putting on airs. As if there's no other way to be.
This is actually the you're welcome substitute that led me to look up why people might not be saying you're welcome.
Not Acknowledging My Thanks Or Changing The Subject
Again, I'm sure people don't know how to respond because what they did isn't that big of a deal or is their job, or just meeting baseline expectations. And it's not like my thanks was that big of a deal that it needs a grand gesture in return. Still, it can feel like my thanks was either unnecessary or even inappropriate.
There Is Such A Thing As Overthinking Things
I believe this is one of those cases. Thank you and you're welcome have been around for ages, mainly because they're simple, effective expressions of gratitude, politeness and acknowledgement. It doesn't need to get awkward or complicated. Maybe the thanks was given over nothing. You're welcome still works.
Sure, it doesn't have to be just you're welcome, but not everything a person could say is going to be better.
Let's keep it simple people. Not everything out there needs a major overhaul. Thank you and you're welcome are tried and true, and don't need cancelling or revamping.
Sorry it took me so long to see this one. I call it 'kill'em with kindness.' I'm like you with thank you's, plus I always "may I" or "yes please, thank you, no thank you." 'Kill'em with kindness.'
You know some parts of the Middle East see that as a weakness?
Hey, @dandays.
Interesting. So why do they see being polite as a weakness? What do they do instead?
Interesting, right? I thought so too. I don't think they see being polite as weakness, some cultures just have different ideas of being polite. Someone like me who's "yes please.. may I please have a.. thank you" it's just not in everyone's culture. I find that stuff fascinating.
I don't know exactly what traditions are other than a lot of hand gestures as they're having a conversation. Perhaps silence or maybe even just a one-word "hello" is the best suggestion. I guess we didn't stay there long enough for me to give you a better answer.
It was a good friend we met in England actually, he and I remain in super tight contact, he's Syrian. He's the one who told me that when I told him we'd be going there next. He was specific about it, too, "don't do your American 'please, please, thank you, thank you", back home that's seen as weakness."
Hunh. What's funny about that is, since I don't know anyone from Syria or the Middle East, the closest I get is what I've seen portrayed in movies and television, and it seems like there's always someone running around saying pardon or sorry, or thank you. I have to admit they're probably mostly comic relief, though, and they don't seem to be treated all that kindly. :)
So, basically, you're supposed to demand everything be done right now and then just walk off when they actually do it. :)
It's not just you, I can't seem to watch anything, go anywhere, anything without thinking it's funny.
I'm mostly of a mind with you here. I love "you're welcome" though mostly because my three year old loves saying it. He will find teeny things that he can do that will solicit a "thank you" so that he can say "you're welcome".
I began saying "my pleasure" a while ago. It's not having the impact I had hoped it would, but I keep on keeping on.
and bud is... I'm ambivalent. I WANT the intimacy that would come with someone actually thinking I'm their bud, but I doubt it. It's that fear of insincerity. That same fear that led us to reduce usage of "you're welcome". Should I fight this feeling?
Maybe you want to address the "Thank YOU" response, too?
where we differ is I have no problem when my thanks aren't acknowledged or they're of coursed. Unless it's my kid. Then I check to see if something's wrong.
Hey, @improv.
I think it's awesome that your three year old knows how to say it and use it. I also think it's awesome that he actually tries (and succeeds) to create the context for it, too. Smart cookie. :)
re: my pleasure
Well, that's disappointing. Maybe it just doesn't pack the punch we think it should.
re: bud
I think in my case it has to do with the fact that the majority of the people who use it on me are perfect strangers. Male gas station attendants tend to be the ones who do this the most. Women tend to go the sweetie route, which is bizarre, since I can see grandmother's doing it to their younger grandchildren.
re: Thank you
I'm okay with that one, if there's a reason for them to thank me back. If there's not a reason, then not so much. I don't think that happens as nearly as often as these others. I guess I need to do more to see if I can solicit the response. :)
re: acknowledged
Yeah. I was trying to say that it's okay in some cases. It just kind of comes off awkward or abrupt, like I've embarrassed them by saying thank you. I suppose it's their way of being modest.
re: Of course
It's mostly the way it's said. I tried to describe it above but I'd probably need to record someone saying it for full effect.
No problem...no problemo..no prob...mostly used in casual situations with friends.
"oh man your a life saver thanks for the ride! No probelemo bud I was headed that way any way.
Lots of ways and I think where you were raised, and how you were raised makes a difference.
Hey, @bashadow.
No problem works for me. :)
The bud part, though... :)
Very true. How we were raised and where will make a difference. I'm not sure why people have to overthink such a simple exchange, but apparently there are people who need to.
I think it is just the next phrase in line for new-speak re-write.
Definitely a lot of that going around. I suppose if society is to be fundamentally changed, such longstanding ways to show appreciation and politeness need to be discarded, too.
Have we lost the ability to tell when things are meant genuinely or sarcastically?
I think we do end up over thinking these things these days because we're so unsure of how people will take them. This is also a big world, so we can't expect people to know every meaning that every person might have taken on for a word or phrase. It's like when someone quotes a line from a film, there's no guarantee that everyone will have seen it.
Hey, @minismallholding.
There's definitely something going on out there. Avoiding the use of a word or phrase when it's really the way it's said and the context, then basically duplicating the thing you're avoiding by using some other phrase, but in a condescending or sarcastic way certainly doesn't improve on it.
re: know every meaning
I'll agree with that. Usually, though, there's an opportunity for a dialogue about it. I'm surprised when some phrase or word that has been used or perpetuated over time suddenly is unknown. It's like, what happened to that? It's especially perplexing when it's my own sons and I know I've used the word or phrase over the course of their lifetime. :)
re: unsure
We're in the age of wearing our emotions on our sleeve, taking offense, etc. I do have to say, though, when people purposefully confine themselves to the least amount of characters possible, without context or preamble, and then expect people to "get them", it's a recipe for disaster. There's so much lost without the non verbal cues to begin with, then saying something that people will consider out of place or oddball doesn't help matters for sure.
Thank you too, Glenn.
Hey, @aneukpineung78.
You're welcome.
Thank you 😊
You're welcome.
So simple. So easy. Right? :)
Indeed! It is. 😊
yeah, that all i need
fireboy and watergirl