I Never Finish Anything
Digital
2020
After sessions of therapy, I took some tests to assess if I have Major Depressive Disorder since that's what the psychologist initially assessed me based on the symptoms and stuff. They sent me a lot of tests, which included an attention test. When I took it, I realized that I indeed zone out a lot, impulsive, etc etc... And I have thought "this sounds like ADHD bruh".
I already have an idea what ADHD is but never really dug deeper or just forgot what the main symptoms were. So I researched on it, specifically the ADD since I know I'm not hyperactive. I obsessed on it for two weeks just watching videos, reading symptoms, and who knows what, that's when I realized I relate with A LOT of them.
Since my next session was 3 weeks after the last one, I contacted them and asked them to reschedule me to an earliest session since I literally can't do anything else cos I can't keep those off my mind. Thankfully I was able to schedule myself 2 days after I messaged them.
See, apart from me obsessing about the thought, I was already getting depressed again. A month before, I was really positive and felt not depressed anymore since I thought I found one of the solutions to my problems: Planning and journaling. I was really joyful, euphoric even, which at that time I was also thinking why am I in therapy lol. The "high" slowly went down and I was back to square one. I'm losing interest in it, just like what I did to 10 other hobbies I learned this year. Which is also a symptom of ADHD, apparently.
When I got to the clinic, the psychologist told me she found inattention in the initial assessment results and I was like "That's what I thought too!". So we did a couple of tests instead of the usual talk session.
Bruh.
The tests were some IQ tests, memory tests, reasoning, and some other stuff I don't know of. The IQ tests were "easy" in the beginning but slowly started to get hard hahah. Especially when I had to rearrange the blocks to copy the shape in the image. It was difficult. I think a lot of the difficulty I felt was the because of the pressure since she's looking at me while I answer each question. It was distracting but also I felt like I needed to answer soon otherwise she'll think I'm stupid or something... which of course all just in my mind and they don't think that lol.
The memory tests omg I think I failed those. XD I needed to tap the blocks she tapped in the same sequence as hers. Easy. But then a twist was added: I needed to tap that one line first-always then the other line. It was hard to keep up and memorize since she kept on going back and forth the other line and I had to memorize another sequence in my mind. We kept on going back to that in between the other tests and then I found myself zoning out during the test since I got "bored" since I wasn't acing it lol.
I still had a few tests to do the next session which will be in 3 weeks and I don't know why that long lol.
If I indeed have ADHD, then the "weird behaviors" I have would finally make sense. Since ADHD is a neurological condition, it is inborn. I had reflected on my childhood and realized I've felt this way ever since. I wrote down lists on my therapy notebook on what I had experienced in childhood that may or may not be related to ADHD and they were quite a lot. I have received some comments that I was always zoned out, looking around all the time, not listening/not paying attention, didn't wanna eat because I was doing a project, changing hobbies often, clumsy, dumb, lazy, weird sleeper, messy, etc. A lot of them coming from my own mother but of course nobody thought to have me checked out and I just thought it's "normal". Well, that was my normal.
These could also be because of my depression or trauma which I have always blamed but since looking back on my childhood, I already experienced this way before the trauma. So the tests were needed to make sure it is not because of other conditions.
I am quite excited and really hopeful for the future. This would be a big relief for me if it was ADHD since I finally would have explanations for all my struggles. Of course it will suck since it is still a disorder but just having an explanation is what I needed. Getting diagnosed at this age will not be easy but it will be easier to solve my problems than sailing the ship blindly.
And these struggles were also reflected on my art all along. One of the examples is the art above. Not finishing tasks or projects and starting a new one is one of its symptoms since the brain doesn't produce enough dopamine so it has to find it in some random things, often the new exciting ones. Which, I've done a lot especially this year. I don't wanna be too specific on them now cos I'm ashamed of all the things I bought and never really used or lost interest after a few weeks. I don't even post some of them lol. But they happened and of course I feel a lot of guilt but forcing myself is just like torture and I can't explain it exactly.
And also I really want to commit to journaling until forever lol so I'm doing my best to stay motivated on it still and form a habit even though soon enough it will be really hard for me to do it like it's a chore.
My 14 yo daughter has ADHD (Inattentive) symptoms too. Here in Malaysia, school kids have to do psychometric tests to assess their mental health 2x a year and her tests indicate ADHD. But of course, we need to get a proper assessment from a certified psychologist, however we need a lot of money for that...which we currently don't have. Hopefully we can get help for her as soon as we can because her symptoms are affecting her schooling. Anyway, I hope you can get a proper diagnosis for your condition too 🙏
Wow this is really great. I wish my country would do this too.. Nice to hear that they care about mental health there. I do think early diagnosis helps a lot, I wish I had that as well.
Are psychologists expensive there? Here they are too, but there are some public hospitals we can go to so we can have them cheap or almost zero fees. Your support emotionally will be a really great help for her while you wait til you can get her to a psychologist. I am happy to hear that you're even planning that as most parents here don't care and invalidate their children haha.
Hope all goes well for you and your daughter too!
I had zero knowledge about ADHD before my experience with my daughter. I thought it was just being hyperactive 🤦♀. It turns out that girls/women exhibit different symptoms compared to boys/men, often receiving a diagnosis of ADHD-Inattentiveness. I'm grateful that my daughter opened up to me after undergoing a psychometric test in November, and requested a proper assessment.
Yes, they are very pricey. While public hospitals do provide the test, the lengthy waiting lists sometimes extend up to a year. Maybe I have to power down or withdraw my HBD savings to fund her treatments.
A friend of mine invited me to their FB group chat about bullet journaling and all I share on the chats kay more on my cheap finds in bullet journaling. XD sometimes I'm jealous kay they have the chance to meet up in Cebu and have their bujo bonding. The gc is my way to commit journaling. :D
Heeeyy that's actually really nice hahah. Even here in Hive I get so hyped to see posts from fellow journaling people. I only get my inspiration from my Insta and Youtube feed lol. There are a LOT of cheap stuff on Shopee, like those shops from China and we can also have big discounts thru Shopee as well but yeah I don't know about Europe, maybe you have something similar D:
Hahah what do they do during the meetup though?
I bought everything online either AliExpress or Amazon but it's more on AliExpress. I am waiting for my 20 washi tapes to arrive for only 3 Euros. XD so I'm kinda excited.
They reserve a place in a coffee shop and all you have to do is bring yourself, your bullet journaling stuff so bring all your washi tapes, stickers, your favorite pens, watercolors, and your notebooks. And order your food sa shop.
Wait, I thought this is normal. I'm sometimes like this too. OMG 😂
I'm amazed by your courage to go check it and have therapy! Some people don't want to even go see one, so I think you getting diagnosed now is better than most of the people.
Hope everything will work out for you. 🙏
Journaling is fun!
It has really been affecting my life so I had it checked. If the spacing out doesn't affect your life then I think it's fine. :D
Thank you witty! By the way @jude.villarta gave me a pen from you and I use them a lot. I really love it and I am currently looking for the same pen or brand here hahahah. The pens I bought would often stop writing for whatever reason D: And yours worked smoothly T_T
Should I bring some when I come back? ☺️
Yes plz po :< T_T 😍
Hahahaha! Okay! I'll message you when I'm going home to ask what you want uwu
it's great that you're hopeful for the future, so no matter what the diagnosis may be, having a better understanding of what's been going on is a huge step forward. If it is ADHD, at least you'll have a solid explanation for all those "weird behaviors," right?
And hey, if journaling is your thing, go for it, just think of all the material you'll have for your future best-selling autobiography or even more Hive posts. Please take care of yourself.
It's so hard to always wonder wtf is wrong with me lol and I feel so "different" and alone just cos none in my circle of friends experience the same. Thank you so much <3
In my country, mental health isn't really of major importance here so I'll have to say I do feel a bit distant from what you're talking about 😂
It's why the saying
Is quite popular here as so plenty are drifting deeper and deeper, becoming more mentally unwell, but to avoid ridicule and jest go about their days as "normally" as they can😂.
I do remember self diagnosing myself and ending up with ADHD/ADD but I just shunned such thought and said it must be a bad day/week/month 😅
I've decided to simply enjoy the highs and try to elongate it as much as I can so I'll be ready if/before the lows come.
I do wish you luck in your treatment though, I hear ADHD isn't so bad if it can be handled well♥️🔥✨
Plus your artworks look amazing 😍, both this that apparently isn't complete and the others I've seen on there
Same here as well, they are often told "you just need Jesus" as a dominantly Christian country T_T Although many are more open to mental health now thanks to social media and gen Zs lol. Haha yeah it is also important to know if it's just a bad day or something.
Thank you! This particular work is complete haha but a lot of times if not most I just rush to finish them even though a few more hours working on it would make it more awesome 🤣
😂😂😂
I can relate to this, bigtime. It wasn't until last year that I finally realized that I might have ADD or ADHD...and I'm forty-freaking-nine years old! As you say, this is just my normal. I never realized that other people didn't have all the issues I did. And I've developed SO MANY coping strategies over the years, that to the outside world I probably look pretty "normal," even if they notice my memory is pretty bad.
That said, it's expensive & time-consuming to get a diagnosis here, and all that would really give access to at my age (that I wouldn't otherwise have) is medication...most of which I can't take anyway due to conflicts with other health issues. So while it's not worth it to me to bother getting diagnosed, learning all I could about the different types of ADD/ADHD, and how they affect the brain and thus my functioning, has been invaluable. 😊
I could write a novel about all the hobbies I've picked up and put down over the years, but one nice thing about that process is that the vast majority of them have been creative/artsy - like scrapbooking, rubber stamping, designing planner layouts, etc. So a lot of the art and craft supplies I've accumulated over the years occasionally get new life when I learn of a new way to use them. Perhaps you've had some of the same experiences?
!PIZZA
!PIMP
In my research, females are often diagnosed late cos there are less studies on them than males and it is more common for females to have the inattentive type so it's not that obvious than being hyperactive. Right??? All your life you thought were normal but apparently isn't. Like, people don't really have music playing in the back of their heads 24/7?? So weird lol.
Oh no, really bad to not have these easily accessible but thankfully there are a lot of resources on the internet nowadays and even communities so you can get support. That helps a lot and good to hear you found something that helps you!
Same! Most are creative as well and they are still on the same "field" so they're not completely useless at all lol.
That's it exactly! I had no idea until my boyfriend (who was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, so he's had his whole life to study & learn about the condition) pointed out that my pinging back and forth between hyperfixation and utter distraction (along with several of my other traits) is a common thing for ADHDers. Thank goodness for him, and for all the resources available online!
I've got it and I absolutely enjoy the heck out of it most times.
Anyway that's the best way I can say is just be grateful that you are alive and breathing and this amazing world is here.
Oh and I got doggo!
Excellent post and have a nice day!
Cool! I enjoy it sometimes as well when I can focus and also the dreams are weird and so random. 🤣 Nice to hear it's working well for you.
I’m a little different of a thought here. I think for the most part, ADD and ADHD are a load of shit. It is normal to not be interested in things and not want to finish them. There are certainly true hyperactivity cases but I am highly skeptical of the whole focus on a diagnosis these days. What is supposed to be “normal”? I sure as hell don’t know and having 7 billion people, there’s a fuck ton of different definitions of “normal”.
They indeed don't say "normal" but refer to them as neurotypical and the ones with adhd, autism and the likes are neurodivergent. Yeah for sure it is normal not to be interested and not finishing them and also not be able to focus but if happens A LOT of times then it is something different. A psychiatrist have said in neuroscience, there is a theory that neurodivergent people are the hunter type of people in the ancient times. The being-distracted and master-of-none is a necessary trait of hunters before so they'd be able to catch preys easier and be more vigilant for safety. Of course in this society that trait is not needed anymore so it is not the norm.
It is a bunch of shit for neurotypical of course cos they don't know how it feels like exaclty. Those things can't be controlled. Neurotypical people have it easy in this society cos the system is built for them. Who wants a person who knows 100 hobbies but leaves them even they master it in days right? No matter how successful they are with it they're just over it? Those who literally can't focus despite the silence in the environment? Those who literally have music in their heads 24/7 and some random fleeting thoughts that literally don't go away even in sleep? Try to talk to them and you'll see most of them can't even maintain eye contact for 2 seconds.
I don't know where you are from but among the people I meet in my everyday life, at least 90% of them have the same traits and they can't relate to any of those "symptoms" above. That is of course making sure other mental illnesses don't contribute to those symptoms and they were present since birth.
The research around the subject is indeed not that great yet but that’s the only explanation so far for the different traits and why these people turn out to have these regardless of how they’re being raised.
Unless you are a neuroscientist and has done years of research, saying that these are a bunch of shit just because you think they are “normal” traits without further explanation is a bit ridiculous. It’s like saying autism and tourette’s are also a bunch of shit and made up.