THINK
I tell to myself.
"What have we become?"
Solitude's new to me. Keeping myself hyped up over overwhelming positive or negative emotions. Emotion has taken the reigns of most aspects of my life.
I began to ponder why. As the days went by with loneliness' embrace. Why does it seem that I lost more? Why does it seem I cannot grasp myself? Where even am I right now?
"What have we become?"
THINK. Endure it, even if it makes your stomach churn, even if splits your mind, and even if it makes you scream. Slapping people with the truth is something you've always done. This time, do it to yourself.
Grit. Your. Teeth.
I stare at my hands resting on my keyboard. For a moment, I glanced at the girl lying on my bed. I thought I'd just scrap this and lie down beside her again. Quick in running away as always.
THINK. My heart starts to feel heavy again. I know... I know! Nmore. I know you know already. You have to write it down. Accept it. Own it.
I place my hand over my chest, and tapped it slowly several times, "All is well".
Take a few deep breaths, and one by one we'll write down the things we've lost.
Patience-- I've run out but have yet to give. A person wasting time yet knows that she's running out of it. Seeking answers immediately. Temporary makes me impatient. A strong force of wanting to know yet unaware of the reason why. I just want to. For what?
Listening-- with both ears closed. I was a good friend because I listened. I was a great partner because I listened. Aside from listening, I understood. But some time later I got tired of listening and did the talking. This resulted in narcissism.
| Caring about people is about being patient and listening to them. I lost both of these when I started thinking only about myself. I thought about myself more. I wanted to minimize the pain I felt. Before I was hurt, I cut people off and stopped listening. I was no longer patient with anyone, especially myself. The funny thing is I don't even listen to myself anymore. I can't even hear myself telling me to stop and when I do it's already too late. I guess I stopped caring for myself and others. |
|---|
I don't want to continue being like this. I want to be able to listen more than I speak. I want to hear voices aside from my own and the whispers in my head. I want to be patient enough to care for those important to me. Patient for the process and growth.
I don't know how I'll work on these for now but I think I'm in the right direction. Like what an old friend once told me:
Focus sa self.
Not. I shouldn't really do this anymore. We're done with that. Nmore myself.
Just a few more...
Perseverance-- ends the moment it appears. On and off. I quit before I even started. Exerting time and effort became tiresome. The thought of trying made me cringe. Attempts are futile as outcomes were already calculated in my mind. Failure was imminent. But how would I have known unless I tried?
Acceptance-- not to me, not to anyone. I deny myself any positive affirmation. Rejecting the kindness people offer yet rejections were also unbearable. Worthlessness deemed by my own. Why is it easier to accept this so?
| I can't understand myself anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. The one who understands and accepts and the one who rejects and pushes. Saying all of these but even I started believing less in my own words because of my inner contradictions. I'm beginning to wonder which part of me is the real one. |
|---|
Perseverance and acceptance are both things I deny myself of. I don't know where this is going but even if I wanted to say how much I've been trying is enough, I feel that it isn't.
In the end, I want to believe that all of this will come back to me. I want to appreciate the process and no matter the outcome I have to accept it.
I'm told that being able to identify your wrongs, accept them, and fix them is part of the process of healing. This just seems like your way to atone but to other people involved, the wrongs we've done caused them pain. We can no longer erase that. The best we can do is to forgive ourselves even though difficult, and let those affected heal over time.
I've made so many mistakes. Especially to the people I love. People that I am supposed to care for. All of this is for me to accept. All of this is for me to carry. And to this I'm carrying, I'll spread it slowly and gently over the path that I choose to take. Hoping someday, the garden of my zen turns lush again.
When was the last time you took time to reflect on yourself? Do you ever think that the current you are something you're proud of? What are you, now? and "what have you become?"
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Laban lang carl ~ 💖
Thanks, Jude~ eto para sayo HUGS HAHAHAHAHA
ANU ITU 3 IDIOTS?
I don't like myself very much, pag totoo yung sinabi nila you have to love yourself to love others, disqualified na ako.
like some time ago sinabihan ako ng di ako miss. I understood it as an ultimatum and I accepted it. hearing it made me sad, pero thankful pa rin ako kasi naglaan pa rin siya ng time for me, for my shit.
I won't contest it, I will just accept it.
time is finite, time is a valuable currency for me. so taking it from someone is something sacred to me.
Binasa ko ito.
I hear you Nmore~
Thanks for reading, Demo. Allizwell allizwell hahaha.
I see, then I have to think that my time is also sacred. If my time is unwanted then Ig so be it. I'll take it for myself.
Daily.
I think of it in temporal relations, my past would probably praise me while my future would scold me. These are constant things happening at once. There's just no chill here but that's ok.
I figured out what I am and just trying to fight the boredom of living by being Albert Camus' Absurd Hero.
Thanks for sharing, @adamada.
I know what I am now and will have to accept that haha pero fighting the boredom of living is something I haven't thought about kasi gave up before even trying ehe. HAHAHAHHA
I think I've gone through some similar process except the way I handled these kinds of things is more on a methodical approach to overcoming the shadow. It's not enough that you give yourself a pep talk but more along the lines of bearing the accountability of self sabotage and recognizing the downward spiral. I don't have a good support system to bring myself out of the unproductive rut. So what I did was doing an inventory of my own resources and worked on the idea that no one else can save me but myself. There are some parts of the text that I don't empathize with here but it's not my experience so I'll just leave it at that.
do you agree with existentialist views? particularly of camus?
I think of it as what the working hypothesis I have for now rather than commit to the idea as absolute. If presented with a better idea, I'll change how I see things. Camus' way is one of the many ways to approach the subject and being rigid on an idea is something I don't want to practice.
well, as a spiritual person it contradicts to my views, so was just wondering about other peoples. But overall I like Camus as an author.
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Thank you as always, wes!
Reflection is an important thing for us to do, as I think not enough reflection is done these days. The important thing is to not have too much of it as that can be equally as damaging as not doing it at all.