I haven't wanted to give you a blow by blow account of packing for the UK, though it's filtered through my posts of late. There's been a ridiculous amount of lists constructed and crumpled and re written with new things to do - bills to cancel, DIY, the garden, packing, packing and more packing, cleaning, and crying.
I guess, therefore, I'm here in the 'Rant, Complain, Talk' community because I need to talk out this angst pre travel. There's definitely not a 'Pre Travel Angst' community!
Yep. I've been having meltdown after meltdown after meltdown. There's just been so much to do that I haven't been coping, and that's compounded by the two of us being snappy at each other because we both have all of these internal lists as well as external ones. Worst is he gets forgetful when he's stressed, and I have no patience for telling him the same thing again. You know, marriage stuff. And in the background has been Dad's illness as well.
**Quick update on Dad - he's a bit better after the cancer drug side effects have worn off, but as it's a lung cancer the muscle wastage is also symptomatic. He's very, very thin, but at last he's walking around the garden and getting out of bed for most of the day, walking around the garden and even coming to visit. He's got a team of people trying to get him healthy enough to have more treatment. His spirits are okay, though he has moments, like the other day, when he got upset. 'I should be kite boarding' he said. 'And I would have, if this fkn thing hadn't got me'. It's not fair. But they reassure me they'll be fine for eight months and I do feel he's in a better place for me to leave for a bit.
So.
This morning was our last surf on my precious, beautiful coast. We went down before dawnn and watched the sun come up from the water, watching the clouds shift into their pinks and purples. The swell was reasonable and we got some nice, clean waves, having fun with a few other crew out there calling each other into waves. I was last in as I was having a bit of a sob, my salty tears blending with the salt water. I've never felt such a tug about leaving before. This coast is so precious to me. It's part of my heart. But then I always have a physical, visceral reaction to landscapes. I'm sure I'll reconnect with England soon enough, and cry when I leave there too.
As I write I'm having tea and vegemite toast and eyeing the boxes that need to go in the bus in the garden (our storage), the vinyl records, surfboard and bow to go to my parent's house (they can't handle those temperature extremes), the washing to hang out, the floor to mop. The van will go to my parents too, and the Defender into storage. I'm dealing with messaging the tenants too - they're very lovely, but they are young. It's their first time in a rental - eek. They will be fine, but some questions the boy had were a bit disconcerting, like, 'If we got ducks where could we keep them', to which I nearly had a heart attack and said 'please no more animals on the property!. I think he's just socially awkward.
There's been so much to do, that had I really thought about it, I would never have done it. Screw adventure, I'm just choosing home life. But that's exactly the reason for travelling again - one should never be too comfortable, lest one not be challenged to grow.
But damn, as much as I'm looking forward to adventure, I'm looking forward to coming home again.
Feel the fear and do it anyway, though, right?
With Love,
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Your message makes me feel better. I didn't know about this community, but I'm going to subscribe to it.
In fact, I feel a certain relief to see that the world also doubts, anguishes and is in the shit ^^
I guess that's how Alcoholics Anonymous and other circles work: on the one hand, a person empties his bag and that makes him feel better. And on the other, the others listen and tell themselves they're not alone, and that makes them feel better too.
In short, it's probably all very human.
Coming back to your story, there's something else that touches me: the fact that you and your husband are aggressive. It's reassuring in the sense that at the moment, I'm rapidly losing patience with my girlfriend and with all the things we both have to do (managing our businesses to get by financially, our jobs, all the ongoing missions, the desire to do 1,000 other things, etc.). So it's normal, and it's very reassuring.
As for your dad, I really hope he gets much better! 🙏
And finally, yes, when I leave, before I even think of turning on my van's ignition (since I often leave in one), I wonder when I'll get back.
But once I'm on the road, once I'm in the adventure, I forget all that pretty quickly. I think about it from time to time, of course, especially when life gets tough, but we're not stuck in one place. There's always the possibility of going back on our choices.
Oh yes, all relationships have moments. The trick is to not hold grudges and to apologise, and to come back together after the heat has passed, and to recognise it's not each other, it's the situation. YOu are the shelter for each other's storms.
I love HIVE for the support we give each other. It's one of the reasons I never leave. I can always rely on people to help and say kind things.
Travel angst is tough to avoid, just gotta roll with the punches and see what happens :)
Enjoy blighty! (sorry but rather you than me!)
Hahah it's really lovely to be back, but we ARE in a nice place. My mother in laws village is gorgeeous, and of course we don't HAVE to stay to deal with the shit things about England.
You know I can very much relate to the 'dad' part.
Although I basically saw him every now and then ( living in another country ), in the last 4 and a half years of his life.
It's super tough and heartbreaking at times but, cliche and harsh as it might sound ( even my dad told me this once he got his diagnosis/ deadline, back in the Summer of 2018 ):
we have to keep living our own lives too.
Sending a huge hug!
I do remember how hard it was with your Dad in his last years. I know you know exactly how it all feels xx
❤️
Travel is always tough. Just packing up for a family trip half-way around the world is stressful for me, so I can't imagine having to plan for a longer time period like you are doing. Makes me wish I were rich enough to have fully furnished houses in both places so I didn't have to worry about packing.
Glad to hear your dad is getting a bit better.
Funny story. I could barely deal with my own shit as we packed up, so I refused to help my husband pack as I didnt want another squabble or him ask questions constantly. 'You're a grown man', I said. 'Pack your own bags'.
Anyway, this morning we were unpacking at my mother in laws and I kept pulling out his tshirts. TWENTY FRIGGING TSHIRTS he packed. Twenty! I would NEVER have let him pack so many.
I wish you had. Let me live vicariously through it for a bit xD
I'm so so glad your Dad's doing better. Bit by bit, you know. He sounds like a wonderful spirit, but then, I knew that already.
No doubt you will. This band I like, Shinedown, has a saying "it's never goodbye, just till next time". I think that fits your situation right now, my friend. :)
That's damn precious. Means you've built a life you love. And you know how few people can genuinely say that?
Always. Safe travels, again.
Thanks for your kind words. Funnily enough, as soon as I got here, I felt like I was home. I know there's some shitty things about England but there's also some beautiful things, like the countryside. So I'm glad to be here.
And yes, thankyou, you're right. We HAVE built a beautiful home. It'll be magnificent to get back, but right now I'm excited to be away!
I am sort of in similar situation right now and I hope your dad gets better. Hope the travel goes well too, safe flight and everything xoxo
Thanks @macchiata. Do you mean with your Dad or with travelling?
If I was to do what you are doing, I’d be mighty torn too. Huge undertaking and once you are on your way, things will get better.