Hey, thank you for this post. I have experienced this
"While we could only afford to give energy and attention to the present moment and all that life in that moment was demanding and screaming for us to do. We had to move on in life or get left behind. "
And would like to share what came to mind when reading these words... It is a welcome gesture of interest in the voice of mine that has felt shushed or shunned... By you, thank you. I will work on that experience, articulating it, accepting it, I will do that, thanks to your awareness. Checking back and will keep in touch.
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Thank you @ndbeledrifts for your words and reading my post. Been to your website I love your art.
I don't know if you meant now: but I felt compelled to share now...
"This post is a clarion call to all Women who suffer from something that may at the time seems is bigger than life itself and as time goes on it seems to dominate and take up more space in our lives.
Below are just a few things, but there are more. Please share your journey in the comments below and I invite all women to join this platform and group of women including myself and let us come together be strong together and fiercely help and support one another. Please…"
I just wanted to remember what you said because I often am at a loss for the words to describe that feeling, that what torments me is larger than life... I have experienced many shocks to the system... Gradually they met less resistance until I experienced a breaking point... When I lost the will to defend myself, and what occurred at that time was largely considered to be the onset of my "mental illness" . I consider it more of a weakened will to work for the good, because of an overwhelming sense that the good was being outnumbered and being schemed into traps that would eliminate it altogether...and the sense of futility really drove me to a place which was hard to communicate from. I gradually realized I would have to endure the maniacal micromanagement of the people around me until I was able to make a move and be free of their way of being, of seeing things. This ability to endure torture was weakened because of the years of the will being worn down... Systemic abuse starting from unnecessary surgery to the experience of a family fractured, sexual trauma and wrongful classification of existential woes as mental defect. I can relate when you say it seems larger than life because it's like before I even had a chance to say, maybe this practice is questionable, I was a victim of the process. But yeah, I would say the rape, losing my will to influence the actions taken on my body, was the first blow to my will to fight. I can say that the confusion that sprouted from that experience led to more vulnerability being taken advantage of by men, by "love", by "success", by "progress". Each time I was willing to place my own body of needs as secondary. Each time my will to fight for my own body of needs became deteriorated, but I always somehow existed through the massive waves of delusion that seemed to swallow the problems that came before and dwarf them into something far greater and more impossible to chip away at. I continue, most days waking from intense dreams of alternatives pursued nearly to their fruition, to awake to the grave reality of that impossibility. I am in a war with my mouth, knowing how close the things I say have taken me to oblivion -- the psyche ward. But it's an opportunity to be who I am, without censoring it for the sake of protecting some one else's delusion, that relativizes those experiences-- showing that a woman can be wild, that wild things can heal over time, alone. However, this belief I need to fight the fear of sexual misadventure alone, the belief that I need to fight the terror of being silenced by a culture and society that does not give credence to my emotions, or my right to choose what happens to my body alone... This seems an undue hardship. I hope by connecting on steemit I can strengthen the women who see me because this platform was a beacon to me in nov2016 it continues to be. If nothing else, steemit is a Place where I can speak freely. This is hallowed sacred ground, to a voice parched by the flavor of a sterile and complicit madness which seems to pervade the workplace, the hospital, and the university alike. I have taken my fight to those sites of struggle with relative to little to no influence, it seems, but at least on steemit we are mutually affirmed by our presence. The will to fight is a blessing, a great righteous thing that is like to encounter the atheist in the foxholes, that blinding impact of personal power that when harnessed with full personal intention for love, can bring calm to the densest chaos. So it's a very painful thing to see it dwindle through abuse. I think I can resign myself to a level of honesty here and say I had an experience witnessing racism that caused my faith to dwindle, that trauma slowed things down so much for me. I still feel stuck in that moment, watching one person unleash this hatred onto another person. I feel like I may have gotten lost in the walls then, invisible and frozen, forever living in the stiff seconds of that heartbreaking decapitation. Huh. I know I'm long winded here, but I wanted to say ever since then, I've been pretty lost. The ability to surmount that trauma seems to me unfeasible, to move beyond it... But that's what I had to do at the time, or I could have lost everything. I stand on the precipice but I know that even though it seems larger than life the love in my heart is what keeps it alive. Even as it breaks it over and over... Thanks for listening and I hope I haven't taken too much of your time.... Blessings ~~~
Like a bumblebee I forgot how heavy that was till I said it whoops, but still flying above and beyond being bothered... 🙂
Hey @ndbeledrifts the amount that you downloaded in this space is only an indication of a build up, I think there is even more, you need to get out. I also feel like it is time for you to shift out of the mind and heart space where you are to a much higher level. Please accept my invite to join tribeglobal-love tribe it's a server that I created t help Steemians worldwide that write in the area of arts, music, and spiritual and substainability, With the publishing of this post I have added a new channel to the tribe in discord which is the WOVEN channel for women to gather and have a conversation, and the discord server is also for one on one conversations which if you like you and I can have. This is your invite to TRIBEGLOBAL-LOVE https://discord.gg/KmEBvSH
Thank you for the observation, for the empathy, for the invite. I tried to join discord but I think my browser is outdated and my email verification wasn't working. I agree, I'm ready to take it to the next level...my art is a powerful tool to recharge my energies to bring love and comfort to the environment, to myself. I will continue to reach, to feel what it is that's going on with me. Your understanding is so unique. I am grateful to exchange with you, with steemit, and hopefully, soon with discord. Best wishes :) nat