I understand you so well. It often takes the loss of a close friend or relative to wake us up to the reality of our own mortality. Of course it is is a choice, but I am pretty much certain that there is more to our existence than merely this one. I have survived death on three occasions and each time I did not have fear but the sensation I was going home.
My condolences.
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I just wish it might end up with peace for everyone.
I hope so too my good fellow