Why do we like the idea of being others?

Living another individual's life has always been appealing to people. Not that we don't see the struggles of others, but then, we wouldn't have to endure the problems in our current relationships, wouldn't live under this roof, have this unlikable job of ours, wouldn't have to hate that specific person. We wouldn't have made that mistake, dress like we do. We would sleep in another bed.

What brings these thoughts in mind? Is it a giveaway that we won when we became adults? Having many years that have passed, wishes and actions to change?

No. I don't think so.

Only a child version of me had it, too. Strongly.

As you may also have noticed, I mostly include in my posts a touch from my childhood. Although it's tricky to answer Yes or No question about the benefit of its existence, I get strong images and feelings from my childhood like flash lights. I remember so many detailed incidents, especially the way I think, my reactions inside. What I felt while looking at something specific, a realization moment.

It's crazy how I can put my child version in front of me and figure out who she is, like evaluating a stranger. Reacquainting with this child again. Is that even a thing? Do people do that? Do you? Is it even possible to be objective? I can ask 100 more questions, but I don't want my account name to turn into @questionlover, so let's get to today's topic and go back in time.

I didn't have the intellect or great motor skills to read and write yet, but I had a heart - big enough to fill it with a strong emotion: Envy.

I was probably around 5, and the world was different. The streets were safe enough to play outside, and children had balls, ropes, slingshots instead of tablets and computers to play with. We filled the gap of Minecraft monsters and told each other horror stories after it gets dark. The most dangerous thing we do was throwing a ball over a moving car. It wasn't stealing our parent's credit card to spend a few bucks for an online game. We woke up together, we laughed together, we cried and got punished together. These all brought us closer and closer in the group of our friendship.

And one day, someone new joined us. A girl. She moved in our neighbourhood with her family, and she was planning to play with us for the rest of her childhood. I remember having hard time looking at her face because I was experiencing this unpleasant feeling for the first time: Envy. I envied her. I wanted to be her. I wanted to have her pretty long blonde hair, her clothes. I wanted to speak the way she speaks, the way she interacts with the world. She had a different aura. I could imagine little shiny butterflies following her as she walks by.

I wanted to be her. More and more everyday.

Then, I started to imagine. How would it feel like to be her for one day? Which clothes would I pick up, which friends would I hang up with? How would I speak with them? Would they even understand something has changed about her? Someone else is inside her?

They all brought me to another big question:

What makes her - her ? What makes me - me ?

These two questions wasn't there yet in my 5 year old brain, but I kept thinking about this until high school. The blonde girl wiped away from my mind as the other ones settle in. But the same question stayed with me:

What makes us - us ?

I wish I can just link to my specific feeling when I thought about it for the first time.

Imagine you have a second chance. You woke up one day, and someone else is greeting you in the mirror. Your body has changed. The reflection of your astonishment on your face is different.

Is this person - you?

Is it still you, you are looking at ?

If not, who is s/he ?

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