My Friend Billy The Pig Farmer
Living in a small rural area in Pennsylvania, I have been fortunate enough to come across a lot of crazy characters in my life. One of my favorites was Billy the pig farmer. Billy passed away several years ago, but his legend lives on. I'm going to share a few stories here that can be told in a public forum. Believe me there are many stories the public may never be ready for.
Billy was a garbageman by trade, but his real passion was raising his beloved pigs. Probably because Billy was quite a hog himself. He ate and drank with no mercy.
He made his rounds collecting slop buckets from local restaurants in his van that was proudly adorned with a "Makin Bacon" magnet. If somebody would comment on his magnet, good or bad, Billy responded with grunts and huffing like a hog getting it on.
Billy loved pro wrestling. He bore a striking resemblance to infamous pro wrestler George "The Animal" Steele. Actually Billy was older, so The Animal resembled him. Back in the day the WWF would make regular stops in nearby Hazleton, PA. Billy was always there (me too with my Dad and brother). If The Animal was in the ring, Billy would run down by ringside and start yelling and slapping his head just like the wrestler. Steele would ignore him but the crowd would always pop. Then security would escort him back to his seat while the crowd booed. I have no doubt that getting the crowd to cheer his Animal impersonation was one of Billy's favorite moments in life. He enjoyed being an oddball.
George "The Animal" Steele.
Of course the security team at St. Joseph's Gym was well aware of Billy before he started his George Steele impersonations. In the early 1970's he was thrown out of the building for attacking Killer Kowalski. Kowalski was 6'7 and 280 pounds. Billy was 5'8 and a husky 300 plus. Since he was built like one of his hogs, let's just say running was not his forte. He barely grabbed Killer before security was on him. Billy was banned from the matches for a while, but eventually he was allowed to return. With a warning to behave himself. HA! Well, he never did try to get in the ring again. Billy insisted he would have killed that son of a bitch if security hadn't stopped him.
"Killer" Kowalski.
Despite not being afraid of the villainous Kowalski, Billy was terrified of snakes. I discovered this first hand when I was around ten years old. The family dairy farm was still in full operation back then and summer time meant hauling hay. Being a good family friend (and enjoying the free beer when we finished) Billy was usually around to help.
I wasn't big enough yet to throw hay bales on the truck, so my job was to drag bales over to the truck. I went to drag a bale and discovered a snake mutilated by the baler wrapped up in the hay. I went to my uncle Henry to ask him what to do with the bale. Being one of Billy's best friends and fully aware of Billy's fear of snakes, he told me to leave it alone and hollered to Billy to go grab the hay. Billy rambled over, started to lift the bale, saw the snake, threw the bale up in the air, screamed like a madman, and took off running through the field much faster than a 300 pounder in his 50's should be able to run while cursing out my uncle. My uncle laughed his ass off. I stood there feeling bad for Billy. OK, I laughed my ass off too.
One last story. Hmm, how to put this delicately. When Billy had to go, he had to go. And I'm not only talking about number one. He was well known for ruining his underwear.
My uncle Henry purchased a tractor and borrowed a rollback from a friend to pick it up. Billy goes along for the ride. On the way home, the rollback breaks down along the highway. So there they are stranded roadside waiting for a tow truck. My uncle is talking to Billy when he says Billy got that funny look on his face that only meant one thing. He asked him very compassionately "You have to shit, don't you?" Billy told him yes. So my uncle, once again with great understanding, told him "You better find a bathroom because you're not riding home with me if you got a load in your pants."
So looking up and down the road, they spot what looks like a business a couple hundred yards down the road. So Billy starts walking that way. Like I said, he was a very big guy and advancing in age so by time he reached his destination he was a little out of breath. Well, a lot out of breath. The business in question was a greenhouse with a teenage girl working behind the counter. Here comes Billy through the door. Out of breath, ready to mess himself, and of course bearing a strong resemblance to the "Animal." Before the young girl could even say hello, Billy uttered these words : "Honey, I have to shit."
I can only imagine the look on that poor girl's face. She was so stunned, she didn't say a word. She simply pointed to a door. Billy goes through the door into a hallway and luckily stumbled upon a bathroom. Barely made it in time. Knowing how he ate and drank, I'm sure it needed a good airing out after he was finished. Finishing his business, Billy left telling the girl "Thanks hon." on his way out.
I hope you were able to get a laugh or two from these stories. I'm getting tired of typing so you'll have to wait another day to hear about the time Billy got his van stuck in a creek or how he almost electrocuted himself on Christmas day with a fork and a toaster or any number of funny stories Billy left us with. He was truly a piece of work. He was also a World War II veteran serving in the U.S. Navy. Thank God they kept him on a boat or he might have single handedly wrecked Europe with his debauchery.
Great story! Did you know George Steel was a teacher and a high school football coach? I loved that guy!
I did know that. I was also a big Animal fan growing up. Glad you enjoyed the stories.
I seriously can't quit giggling! Billy became legend to my household tonight as I read your most excellent set of tales aloud to my family, lol lol!
My great grandmother adored WWF, and I can remember her watching it on tv, but what an experience to see it in person!
And I would have paid to see Billy become a shrieking violet over the snake in the bale. My grandpa had a 100 head of cows and did custom cut and baling for people, so that sight was very common indeed during the summer as we were bucking bales onto trucks and hay trailers. However, I think I would have enjoyed the chore more if there would have been random screaming and throwing of the hay. LOL!
You have to build up your typing endurance and write more of your stories. They are beyond fantastic. Actually, they scare me a little bit, because most of the people in your tales sound like my relations....er...hmmm...Looking forward to the toaster fork experience!
It's funny you mention we know so many people who seem so alike. So many times I read your posts and not only get a good laugh, but I am reminded of similar people or events in my own life. When I first started commenting on your blog I would sometimes hold back things because I thought I was coming off as a bullshitter just trying to top your stories with my own. That can be a problem when you talk with people on the internet that you don't really know. As time went on I obviously got over it as we got to know each other better. I remember when you weren't sure if it was ok to make fun of my impending baldness. I was happy to let you know nothing is off limits when it comes to busting my stones.
There will be a part two for Billy. Some stories aren't safe for public consumption, but I have a few that can be told. My problem is trying to write them out so people can see the humor without actually knowing the guy. My grandfather is going to get a post soon and I have another story of getting stupid drunk that needs to be shared.
Thank you for your support @generikat and as always I'm looking forward to your posts. Even if they are getting dangerously dairy free.
Speaking of similarities, lol! I censor myself pretty heavily on here because I also don't want to be a trying to top others fecal matter artist. When I am talking to people in person I can get a feel for a person's antagonizing tolerance pretty quickly, but like you said you just never know on the Internet.
It makes me happy that you got over your censorship, trying to out do each other in our storytelling is pretty much a family trait in our clan. My mom always has said that my dad's motto should have been, "Have shovel will travel." LOL!
I am so incredibly happy that there are more Billy tales in the works! You tell the stories amazingly, I still giggle when I think about Billy mimicing the Animal alongside the ring, that's some priceless stuff right there!
I don't know if you have noticed, but I am pretty fond of ya, just a small amount, you know, kinda like the amount of hair on your head.....I am evil....and not sorry!!
Seriously though, thanks for all the support to, I am so happy to have met you:o)!
Man the baldness jokes just keep on coming. I have to admit though I love them. I don't get busted about my lack of hair enough because it is a common trait among my family and friends. It's a fricking epidemic around here! I still have more hair than most of them. But I'm catching up. I like to say I had wavy hair. It waved goodbye.
Oh! And I just made ice cream with whole milk and whipping cream. My blog should be safe viewing for awhile now.
I have mulched a few garter snakes while mowing. I suppose baling hay can net larger unintended prey.
Sometimes you get a "prize" in the hay bales. Some critters don't know enough to get away.