Oh, honey, how did I not see this earlier? I hope you are feeling better.
Mark took me for a drive one fall afternoon, several years ago now. It was one of those perfect days out west. The desert air has this amazing scent in the fall, all the herbs dried in place and making the whole drive like aromatherapy. The sky was this intense blue, I never saw it this color when I lived in Ohio, this dry air and high altitude make for a blue that nearly glows.
It was hurting my eyes that day. Something so beautiful, something I had cherished living here, and it was hurting me. I can't even say that was the lowest I ever got, but it became this cycle that day, that went down and down. I was angry, why can't I feel GOOD any more? Where is my JOY? I used to feel it, now all I could feel was nothing on a "good" day, and like dead weight in the lives of those I loved most on a bad day. If I had a magic wand I would wave it for you. All I can tell you is "Hold on. You WILL feel joy again."
You are on the right path, truth sets you free from all prisons, even the prison of health problems. I don't know how many years it took for me to feel joy again, I refuse to go back and count - it would rob joy from THIS moment. :)
Oh, and my Jesus trick... Now go be the best Jesus you can be. The only miracle you have to perform is to forgive yourself for sucking at being Jesus... :)
Love you, honey!
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I want to respond to everyone but I'm crying. Thank you. All of you. I do suck at being Jesus. But like in Pulp Fiction, I'm trying really hard to be the shepherd. Love you back, thanks. This hurts. But the day did get better.
Crying is fine, "holy water" if it is done right.