My father was physically abusive to my entire family when I was about two years old. I don't even remember it.
I do, however, remember him screaming at my mother when I was baking a cake at 7 AM as a 3 year old (yes I made cakes as a 3 year old, it's a skill I've since lost) and him flipping out when he came home at 7 PM and my mom was still cooking dinner. Far more recently, he's been emotionally abusive and made me feel like quite the failure for being unable to achieve perfection in my academic pursuits.
Most people don't understand the extent of what abuse as a small child does to you. I currently have depression and a constant fear of failure because I used to do incredibly well in school (having not received a B or 80 - 89 % grade until third grade is mildly miraculous) and if I got anything other than an A on my report card my dad would freak out and ban me from things like playing video games or watching movies for weeks at a time. I was once banned from reading for a short period because I had a project that I ended up being a grand total of one day late on. The depression came with the sudden realization that I was no longer even capable of getting the kinds of grades I used to.
Emotional abuse is probably the most painful kind.
Hey Justmagikkal, thanks so much for sharing your story. I totally feel you. And I bet MANY other people do too.
Yes, many people say emotional abuse is worse than physical. It really gets into the psyche and of course as a child, your brain is still developing and very susceptible to these influences. And from my experience, you then spend your adult life trying to unlearn all that bullshit!!
Did you ever have any kind of therapy? If you're open to sharing, I'd love to hear how it impacted you.
Also, a book that is really amazing - Complex PTSD, From Surviving To Thriving, by Pete Walker. You may already be advanced in your healing and growth so it might not add anything new for you. But might be worth checking it out :) xx
I never had therapy for the emotional abuse, but rather for the depression.
Personally, I think my psychiatrist sucks at his job. Therapy hasn't helped me; separating myself from my father, on the other hand, has worked out very well.
I'll take a look at it :D
Hope you find something that helps, I actually hear quite a lot about therapists who aren't that good - a little worrying! I am working on creating a course on resilience - how we bounce back from trauma. I actually never had therapy but did get some coaching and have relentlessly worked on my own progress for 11 years. I think we all have it in us - well, research shows that we do!
wishing you all the best xx
Oh, and cakes at 3 years old? EPIC! :D
apparently my mom taught me how to make a cake and I started making them at like 7 AM and then she had to unteach me because my dad freaked out XD