Chronic illness is awful. Dying slowly, painfully, and without hope of recovery is horrifying. All those people that justify harmful decisions to their body by saying, “Oh well we all die some day.” I have to just brush it off after what I have been through. They have no idea what they are actually asking for with that slow and painful death. They won’t know until it is too late. According to the CDC, over 117 million people suffer from at least one chronic disease or another. Normally I wouldn’t believe a quote from the CDC, but this one sounds accurate lol. Source: https://www.cdc.gov/chronicdisease/overview/index.htm
For some people, this may be a comforting feeling to know they are not alone. However, I promise you that when you are experiencing it, you feel very much alone without a support system. I have described a little about my immediate family in a past posts. Just a quick recap, my parents are both addicts. They traded drug addictions for religious addictions when I was 15 years old. Needless to say they basically ignored me and my brother both before, and after their conversion. Just to be clear, I do not have an issue with people who believe in whatever god they choose, nor do I have an issue with people of spiritual beliefs, or faith. My resentment lies with two people who pretend they are much better off because they traded socially unacceptable addictions for traditional addictions. As people they fundamentally didn't change, now they just blame god for everything good or bad that comes into their lives instead of taking responsibility for themselves.
February 21, 2010 I woke up feeling like someone punched me in the stomach, and it was all downhill from there. The next 6 months of my life were nothing but doctor visits, ER visits, stomach pain, temperature spikes, weird almost seizure like episodes where I would just shake uncontrollably until I would pass out, and a whole host of other odd symptoms. I found the less I ate, the better I felt, so I basically stopped eating everything except carrots, salmon, bread, kidney beans, yogurt, and water. Everything else caused the horrible stomach pain, and seizure like episodes. Every doctor I saw would run tests and tell me everything was fine. The only issue they found was that I was rapidly losing weight from not eating. I think I lost a total of 50 lbs in the first few months. Basically all the doctors I saw would eventually tell me it was just in my head, and that there was nothing physically wrong with me. They classified the episodes I was having as anxiety/panic attacks and tried to put me on drugs. I KNEW it was not anxiety, and I did not want to take the drugs, but eventually I even tried that. It didn't really help other than they seem to put me to sleep quicker to avoid the feeling of one of these episodes.
At the urging of many western medicine MD's, I even started seeing a talk therapist to prove it was not all in my head. I could barely get off the couch most days, I as so exhausted all the time. I lost my job because I was too 'sick' to go into work. I also started having a hard time taking care of my daughter who was 10 years old. Just getting up to make her breakfast, and help her get to the school bus was exhausting. It would wipe me out all day, until I had to get her from school, make dinner, and help her with her homework. The shower in our townhouse was upstairs, I literally had to crawl up the stairs once a week to shower because I didn't have the energy to walk up and then shower. After many months and no end in sight I started to get really worried. No doctor could find a cause for my issues, they spanned across so many of my body systems they said it was "impossible" it was something medical and not psychosomatic. I saw 28 doctors in the first 4 years of illness and they all told me to see a shrink. I was still talking to my parents back then, even though we never agreed on anything, they were a huge part of my daughter's life, and wanted to be around her. We lived in Minneapolis at the time which was about 2 1/2 hours away from my parents by car.
I had a really horrible episode one night, and begged my boyfriend of 9 years to take me to the ER. In all the time I was sick I think he had made two trips to the ER with me total, and zero to the doctors office. He hated hospitals, so I guess I was lucky I got those two. He refused to bring me in that night. He said it wouldn't help because it never does and that I wasn't going to die from whatever this was so just deal with it. It felt like I was dying each time I had one of these episodes. It was terrifying, and the only thing I could do was take some of those drugs to pass out quicker. Of course then I was afraid I would die in my sleep from whatever was happening to me, so it was very little comfort when I did pass out. I was heart broken when he refused to bring me. I couldn't believe after all these years together he wouldn't help me. We had essential spent a decade together, playing house, raising my daughter even though he wasn't her biological father. I had cared for him and helped him so many times, I was honestly shocked by his response. I knew I needed help and I wasn't going to get it from him.
Here is a post I made on FaceBook back then just to give you an idea of the horrible frustration, and issues I was having back in 2010:
Kimberleigh Lynn Finnegan
August 24, 2010 ·
What kind of world do we live in!? Part two...
For all of my wonderful friends who have been following my digestive issues with kind words and prayers, get a load of this new development.
So to recap - I have basically lived on a diet of bread, carrots, lentils and (small amounts of salmon) since February of this year. Needless to say life has been almost unbearable since that time, however since I have been trying to stay positive, this last issue has really thrown me for a loop.
So I have been working with a gastroenterologist since March (when I realized my problem was not going away). I first met with the wonderful Dr. Stone in late March, he had me go in for a CT scan in April, and when that returned no results I had a colonoscopy in late April. I should add that I got to deal with a super great nurse who bullied me into signing the release forms for treatment after telling me in the most graphic way possible how this procedure could kill me. (By this time I was having a total breakdown from fear). The only results that came from that was I had a polyp in my colon which the wonderful Dr. Stone didn't remove because he didn't think it was anything, but did a biopsy just in case, and then later told me it was a polyp ("Gee sorry I didn't remove that" were his exact words) so then informed me I got to come back in to do that terrify procedure yet again. He also gave me ulcer medication (just in case) and told me to call in after a month to let them know how I was doing and to schedule that next colonoscopy. So I did as told (stupid me) and called in after a month. I tried to explain my stomach didn't hurt as much but I still couldn't eat most foods. So they scheduled me for a colonoscopy/endoscopy on July 19th (which was the earliest I could get in since the wonderful Dr. Stone was on vacation, again). After two weeks (beginning of July) my new symptoms had sent me to the ER 3 times in two weeks, so I called my doctor to try and get in to talk to him about the new symptoms, I wanted to do this before the procedure so there wouldn't be any more "oops sorry I missed that the first time" incidents. I was then told the earliest available was August 24th, because (you guessed it!) my doctor was on vacation again, and no one else in the clinic could see me. So I took the date, and scheduled my procedures for the 30th to make sure it was after I was able to speak with the wonderful Dr. Stone.
So here I am today - finally after almost two months of waiting, I go in for my appointment. When I get there (which by the way I had to go to Eagan from South Minneapolis), they tell me they can't find me on the schedule, and asked if I made the appointment that morning. I almost choked as I started laughing and told them I had waited almost two months for this. She made me go back to my car to get the paperwork reminder they sent me to prove I had an appointment scheduled. The receptionist disappeared to the back (which my sheet) and came out with (you guessed it again - that wonderful nurse that brow beat me into submission the first time I was there). That super nurses name was Julie, btw. First thing Julie says to me is "You look familiar, have you been here before." I replied "Yes I have." So Julie looks at my appointment paper and reviews the wonderful Dr. Stones schedule, to tell me he was booked today. I said to them "Listen I have waited two months to get in here. I have been suffering since February, and I need time to talk with Dr. Stone. I don't want to be squeezed in for 10 min and then be shoved out the door." So Julie, the super nurse, says she will go talk with Dr. Stone. All the while I am sitting there in disbelief such a thing could possibly be happening to me, and wondering what horrible thing I did in a past life to deserve this type of karma.
So about this time (15 minutes later) Julie, the super nurse, comes back and states, "Well I can get you in to see Dr. 'someone else' for about 10 minutes." If my jaw wouldn't have been so clenched in anger it would have probably hit the floor. So I say, "Let me stop you right there. You cannot have a doctor patient relationship if you don't trust your doctor, and I no longer trust any of you. This is my life we are talking about, which is rather important to ME. I want the form to allow the transfer of my medical records to another doctor." Here comes the best part – The super nurse, Julie, looks at me and says with distain, "I remember you, you were here with your boyfriend before." I'm sure then the imagine of her bullying me into submission flashed through her mind from my last visit. Then she says, "Whatever," and threw my appointment sheet on the desk and walks away. I kept my cool, signed my papers and left, even though I really felt like burning the place to the ground.
I was so livid when I got home I decided to call a lawyer to find out if "Patient Abandonment" was still considered a form of malpractice. I was told that "Unless you are blind, deaf, or dead from a doctor's care you have no case. So doctors can get away with treating you however you want and the most you can do it file a complaint." I don't know if I was more depressed by this news or the fact people can be treated this way with no recourse.
So my only form of recourse is to warn my friends about such doctors that exist. If you ever have gastro problems DO NOT go to the Minnesota Gastroenterology, P.A., or see Dr. Bradford G Stone.
Now I start the daunting and fun task of find a new gastro doctor and starting over, again..... wish me luck!
From https://www.facebook.com/kimberleigh.l.finnegan/notes?lst=1424148257%3A1424148257%3A1507590947
Finally, one day after I had laid there on my couch crying all day, because I was in so much pain and just so miserable, I called my mom and begged her to come help me. I told her the doctors wouldn't listen to me and asked her to come with me and tell them I something really was wrong with me and that I needed their help. She hymned and hawed the whole conversation, making a million excuses about important things she couldn't get done if she was in Minneapolis with me. I remember thinking that I couldn't believe she was basically trying to get out of helping me when I was bawling on the phone after being so sick for so many months. She finally gave in, even though my dad was totally against it. My mother was the administrative assistant to his business, which by the way I thought her how to do all of those things and how to use a computer, so he said the business couldn't run without her. I guess eventually they agreed to the fact she could come for one week to help me. I was so thankful. I thought for sure after she could see how sick I was that she would stay longer to help me if need be or at least help me get some answers. I couldn’t' get into see my gastro doctor that week she came, but I was able to get in to see my primary care doctor.
My mother being there made very little impact at all. The doctor basically told her all the test we had run, and that they essentially thought either it was all in my head, or I could only fix my issues with my gastro doctor. So the doctor visit was fruitless. My mother did get to witness one of those horrible episodes, she was nice enough to bring me to the ER. We sat there with me shaking uncontrollably for about 4 1/2 hours in the ER. Since they assumed I was having a panic attack they gave me no priority to being seen. I was so tired after all that time of my body freaking out, not having a panic attack, I finally gave up and asked her to take me home. We laid on the couch and she held my hand while I just shook. It was the first time in 6 months that I wasn't terrified I was going to die from this and I remembered feeling so grateful to have someone there. My boyfriend never did that type of thing for me when one of these events happened. I think it scared him. He had a really good friend die when he was young and that idea of stuff like that made him really upset.
It was only a day later that my dad called and said he "couldn't live" without my mom being home to "take care of stuff". I was so upset and hurt. I begged her to stay with me, I asked her how she could leave when she saw how bad it was and that I had been suffering like that for so many months. In a very round about way she basically told me that I wasn't as important as all the other "stuff" that needed to be done. I stayed this sick, and much worse at some points for the next two years before I found out what was causing it. I left my boyfriend in September. I couldn't imagine staying with someone who cared so little about me after so many years of us being together.
I found out years later why it was so easy for my mom to leave me alone. Her and my father never believed I was sick, they still don't lol. After 7 years, tens of thousands of dollars, and proof of doctors testing they still don't think I was ever ill. I found out during that really rough first few years of illness, my parents had been telling my daughter the whole time (with every ER trip) that I wasn't really sick. That I was just dramatic and wanted attention. I was laying there, screaming in pain, or shaking uncontrollably, or not able to breathe at all from allergic reactions, and they had the nerve to say I was lying about all of it. I still can't imagine why they think I would have lied. I certainly never got anything out of it. I had to find a way to feel like shit and work from home so I could also take care of my kids. I had to find a way to function out in the world, while trying to pretend I was just fine, when I really felt like I was dying. After the first year, at some point my mom called me and said she thought I was probably sick, but that it was spiritual. She told me that she believed I was inhabited by a demon from all the bad shit her and my dad did to me as a kid. For some reason, this made me even more angry than them not believing me in the first place. She wanted to take me in for an exorcism. I told her off and hung up, effectively trying to sever my relationship with them altogether. Unfortunately, they had no intentions of just letting me go off and try to fix myself and live my life. They made it their mission to make my journey as difficult as possible.
I'm not really sure if there is any greater hurt in life then the people you 'think/know' are always suppose to be there for you, never really are there for you, even when you call them out of desperation begging for their help to live.
I can't lie. I'm still working this abandonment trauma out. I know you can't make people be who you want them to be, especially parents. However, I can't help but think of how much better my life would have been if they would have just helped me when I asked for it. I went through many years of extreme near death illness, physical and mental abuse at the hands of my spouse, and none of that ever needed to happen. I am a believer that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I am still working on the physical, however I am a million times better than I was. Now that I am working on the mental health portion as well - I am only getting stronger!
One of the things I love about community living is this aspect of built in caring and help for each other. People choose to be here - there is zero obligation to pretend to care about someone because of a blood connection. That is a huge deal to me. All the people here have their own experiences to share, and it gives amazing amounts of perspective! Especially @quinneaker, I have never encountered another individual on this planet with the insight and perspective he has, and who so generously shares it with anyone willing to use it to better themselves and the world around them.
I am not accustom to having a loving and supporting environment to 'feel' and resolve my issues in. This is still new to me :-) I am so grateful for the opportunity to change though, and I feel that I use that opportunity to get a little better each day!
I have been reading this and some of your other stories and what strikes me is how much we have in common. Besides the chronic illness, I know what it feels like not to be taken seriously and supported by family, who are supposed to have your back. However, I see an amazingly strong woman in you who is trying harder than most would or could to make her life better and that of her children. I have the greatest respect for you. I have never been much of a believer in Western medicine, at least not the way it's exercised these days. But I've been a student of German New Medicine for the past few years since a friend told me about it and was amazed how much it hit home whenever I had an ailment or someone I knew. Please look into it, you might find why this is all happening to you and find the cure within yourself...
I just read about your relationship with your children's father and this was like reading my own story. Only I made the same dumb choices three times. My youngest son's dad is the only one who lives close enough to see his son on a regular basis, but has other priorities...When I fell pregnant, it seemed like he was oblivious to this and that things needed to change. When I was 8 months pregnant I moved my kids, myself and our belongings to another home. After that, we remained 'friends' but I could never leave him with the kids because he was too self-absorbed to know and see if they would be in a dangerous situation. I gained a lot of weight and didn't recognize myself anymore. Then I found out through German New Medicine that this was because I had an unresolved feeling of abandonment. As soon as I realized that that was what it was, I lost 18 pounds within weeks! Without doing anything differently. So it's worth to look into... I wish you much health, love and happiness with your beautiful children.
Thank you so much @misslasvegas! I know far too well how the general idea of my experiences are not unique, which is a horrible truth of this world. Writing about them has done wonders for me though, and I'm so glad if it can allow me to connect with others, even on the smallest level. I do know what my main health issue is, at least from the physical aspect. I haven't posted it yet, because as I write about the experiences from my view point when I did't know what was happening to me, I want the reader to feel that uncertainty expressed in the writing without knowing how it all turns out ;-) However, I will absolutely look into the German New Medicine. I love to learn! I am always willing to explore new possibilities, especially for health! If we are not growing toward a thriving life each day, then we are just decaying and waiting for death. Much love for your support and comments!
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STOPThank you for sharing. Cheers.
You're welcome! I appreciate the feedback :-)
Wow you have been through so much!
Grateful you made it to The Garden of Eden as you really are an amazing woman. It is unfortunate you have been through such hardship yet I feel you are destined to achieve great things.
It is likely you will help many people over come difficult lives and great hardship as you will be able to prove without a doubt that its possible to go through hell and heal to a level of thrival!
I want to put all my experiences to good use,and the more people I can help with them the better!
As I said yesterday, none of this would be progressing the way it is for me if I didn't have such an outstanding role model. I am thankful for you and the experiences that you have had, that made you choose to be who you are! For the majority of the people in this world, it really wouldn't matter if they were alive or dead because of the lack of the way they positively impact our existence as a whole. In this day and age especially, you don't come across many people that make you say, "Wow, the world would be so much worse off if this person didn't exist!" It is easy to express that sentiment about you. :-)Thank you Quinn! I feel that the hardships we choose (consciously or unconsciously) to be a part of shape who we are for future endeavors. I get to have a perspective that most people don't because they may have had an "easier" life. I am much more grateful for a place like @gardenofeden, because I know how horrible the opposite end of the spectrum is. I have a great deal of compassion for people that most don't, but at the same time I have little tolerance for bullshit since I also know just how capable people can be once they choose to have a better life.
i am so glad to read that you are at @gardenofeden
I know! I am so very glad to be here :-) Thank you.
I am fulfilled in knowing that I have not only inspired, but set an example that is changing your life.
I am grateful that I am able to share and support so that you have a real chance at healing and living.
It is my purpose and thus the greatest feedback.
∞§∞Blessings on the way∞§∞