Ahhhh.
I stretched as I padded out to my newly built deck. It was lunchtime and I had popped downstairs to have a coffee and lounge about in the late summer sun.
As I approached the door, I halted.
What was that strange smell? It was like wood that had been soaked in tea and then set on fire? Shit. My deck? Was it ablaze?!
I leapt outside and yelled as if my penis were being attacked by a hoover.
What on earth are you up to?
The Good Lady barked at me from one of the comfy chairs on the lounge'y area of the deck.
I straightened up rather sheepishly and ran a hand through my hair. Damn. I had forgotten that today, with the ever-decreasing COVID restrictions, the Good Lady had invited around a coven of Doulas for lunch.
Nothing was burning except for the witchery in their black hearts.
Afternoon ladies.
I said with a smile and a tip of my head.
They responded with a chorus of hellos, I looked around them. The one on the right with the pierced nose and unfortunately prominent collarbone that made her look like a badly moulded clay jug was The Morrigan, To her left was a flame-haired round thing, Wacca-Wacca and to her left...
Oh, FUCKITY BAWS?!?! It was Olette - the screeching goth magpie of a woman that I had not seen for over a year and a half.
Olette rose and looked at me with dead, amber eyes a crocodile would be proud of.
Oh Boomy, you will be perfect. Perfect!!
She leaned forward and clasped my hands, drawing me toward where the coven was sitting.
A waft of wind carried her brackish decaying scent toward me, a mix of dead things and despairing screams.
Perfect? Perfect for what?
I looked pleadingly at the Good Lady but she merely laughed and nodded along with the rest of them as I was guided into a seat next to Olette.
We were discussing chestfeeding, darling. We need someone to practice with.
Olette cackled and waved a flaccid thing at me that looked like the body of a squid.
Chestfeeding? Like, breastfeeding you mean?
This was confusing, I was more than familiar with breastfeeding having lived in a house where anything that stayed still for five minutes had a boob stuffed in its mouth but chestfeeding??
Was this more politically correct Doula nonsense to go with the tying sticks together and burying potatoes out the back under the cold light of the moon?
Olette stood and moved behind me, her breath hot on my neck.
Let me just strap this onto you?
She hissed like a deflating frog on a spike.
What?! Eh, What you up to?!
Olette reached for my t-shirt and pulled it up until one of my fine man-breests popped out.
Oi!?!
Relax darling, we want to see how comfy the feeder thingamajig is. Come on, help us out?
The Good Lady chirped in with her not really asking voice.
Oh alright.
I grumbled whilst holding my breath and clenching my abs to give the Doula's something to take home for the wank-bank.
Olette fidgeted around my back and seemed to be using the whole event as an excuse to press as many different parts of her bony torso against me as she could.
There, finished. How does it feel?
Olette grinned in triumph.
Erm, it feels alright. Bit tight maybe?
I looked down at my chest where, I realised now, some sort of fake boob milk delivery device attached.
Oh shit, this was weird? It looked boobish. I mean really like a boob. On my chest!? Shit, what if I got an erection? Oh no. Erections are like buses, when you least expect it about three of them will arrive.
Here, how does it feel with baby?
The Morrigan thrust a plastic doll in the direction of my new boob.
Gingerly I took it and stuck its head on the nipple bit.
Uhm, I don't know. Fine...?
I replied despite nothing feeling fine now and perhaps ever again.
Great! Let's get that off you then. Unless...
Olette looked at me searchingly.
You want to keep it on for a while..?
They all laughed and nudged each other as if I were just old meat they were throwing to a hungry dog.
I wrestled the thing off before Olette could get her bony claws at me again and trying my hardest not to flounce, I turned and headed back to the house.
I think I shall take my coffee at my desk.
O you make my day - where are the photos hahha - Was your wife always into the natural stuff when you met her?
Lol, if a camera had appeared I would have ran for cover!!
She hasn't actually. It was when she became a Doula and started all that kind of thing she started getting into it. They are an earthy lot ,lol!
A hug and thanks for making life more pleasant by reading your ocurrencesHi @meesterboom , Olette, what I wanted was to feel close to you ha ha ha ha, I imagine the women talking to joke you, but it seems to me that the good lady has a rival in her friend ha ha ha ha ha ha you would have hugged her and observed the reaction of those witches ha ha ha ha, next time you do it, don't let those witches make fun of you.
Thank you for reading!! I call them witches to their face jokingly but I don't think they like it very much, Probably why they torment me so!!
I hope, someday, you will regain your masculinity. I don't know what should happen for this. At the very least, you must find a dragon and defeat him with bare hands. There will be more guarantee if you do this not with hands, but with bare dick...
Dragon strangling. Is one of those things it's very easy to fall out of the habit of. But I daresay o can get back into the swing of it :0)
Oh, dear God. How did I miss you and the Doulas? You make me laugh and appreciate the art of being able to laugh at yourself, with a touch of class. (or something akin to that)
Thanks always for the smile! And get that thing off!! Unless....
Unless!!! Hehe, its a strange looking beast of a thing. I wont pretend I haven't thought about trying to insert my nethers into it somehow.
But hey, Sundays can be dull. :OD
That is because you see Sunday much different after #BeerSaturday! Get on it, man! :)
Lol, that is true. Good old Saturdays!!!
!PIZZA
$PIZZA@dswigle! I sent you a slice of on behalf of @meesterboom.
Did you know you can earn $VFT through the PIZZA farm? (2/20)
There are so many things I want to Google.... but I'm not willing to mangle my search algorithm .
Don't mangle it. Just be happy in the not knowing!!! ;0)
You always manage to make me laugh out loud at your antics. I can't imagine your family ever having a ho-hum day :D
Oh there are plenty of those!! But they don't make such good tales :0D
And then the next one doesn't come til tomorrow morning.
That's buses for ya!!
Although, I am sure it was the mighty Metallica that said tomorrow never comes... :0D
Garth Brooks but it's a totally common mistake, Nothing else matters. Sad but True?
That karaoke classic! I like ole Garth, he is of Wolf and Man!
Absolutely no one makes me laugh the way you do! 🤣
Hehe, cheers lass!! I try my best! :0D
This chestfeeding term is bit confusing. I went to search a bit about it.
Anyway, we don't have this doula profession here. Not that I know of.
Off to the next chest post in feed.
Haha, two chest posts in quick succession!! Couldn't have planned it!!
The chest feeding thing was a new one on me. Very bizarre!
Yes, bizarre is the word.
Ahh Olette, your favourite XD
I love how you manage to blunder your way into the most ridiculous situations XD
Also "fuckity baws" always makes me laugh whenever it crops up xD
Fuckity baws is my favourite, it makes me smile to say it which always helps.
Yes indeed, Olette and Doulas! Having no Covid restrictions is a strange thing indeed!
Darn those bus-rections.
Yup. Filthy things!! :0D
Next they'll be asking you to wear the kitty costume and feed six at once.
Hey that sounds like my next idea for Halloween fancy dress. 6 of them boobies strapped on and me in a fur coat. I'm game!
You could put whiskey in there!
Then I would just stay in the house nuzzling at my own teats!!! :0D
Well yeah I understand why. As soon as you step out all the people will come running yelling about, "Whiskey Tits is here!"
Kind of like the ice cream man, but different, and far more perverse.
I wish I had married someone called whisky-tits. As long as it wasn't a bloke in a fur coat right enough
Be careful what you wish for. There's no way that would come true without a catch.
I bet you won't forget they are going to be there next time !
How... uncomfortable !
I always forget when she arranges these things because I hear her start to say something and then it just goes on one ear and out the other. I guess I will have to start paying more attention!!! :0D
I imagine your deck will be smelling strange for a long while now, now that those doulas have oozed all over it. Best to just set it afire and start over.
I was worried about the oozing. They are as bad as snails for leaving a slimey mess. I have already got the petrol out. It's going up!! :0D
Good man. I recommend using Brazilian hardwood for the rebuild; doulas hate that kind of wood and so will keep their future oozy covenries to your grassy yard areas.
That is good to know. I might just get a massive collar made from Brazilian hardwood and wear it protectively around my neck. That should help
You would be wise to just go ahead and get a full Brazilian hardwood bodysuit tailor made. Put it on and then never ever take it off. Don't forget to tell the tailor you will need a sizeable crotch-door for your man-wood though.
Cool, I think I've got it. So, I will go to the local tailor and tell him I want a full Brazilian. Then tell him to make way for my own man wood.
I don't think anything could go wrong.
Yes, that is precisely it. If the tailor gives you any trouble that means he is in bed with the doulas so it's okay to set him on fire. Cheers mate you got this 🍻
I bet next time you'll keep your ass upstairs..
I dunno, sometimes you have to show things up a little :0D
Ooooo, that sounds ever so... er.. titillating!
I have never seen such a peculiar device in my life. Sometimes having a wife that's a doula gives you a glimpse into a weird and mysterious realm!
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Oh talk about a wall worthy photo!!! 😂
It would have the potential to be a gruesome sight if it weren't for my handsomeness carrying it off :0D