We need to talk, mateychops.
I stood in the living room of my Brother, Big D's house. It had been the old family home but he had technically won the inheritance lottery and was proudly living there like a King, rent-free.
Whit aboot?
Asked Big D suspiciously as if I had offered to give him a soapy love enema.
The ashes.
I jerked a head in the direction of the front room where for the last three years our parents had lain in ash form in two cardboard boxes.
They had wanted to be cremated. Which we had done but had made little preparation as to what to do with the ashes and so, on their return to us, in the front room they lay forlorn and almost forgotten.
But this was a new year and it was time. Time to do the do and the do needed oh so desperately to be done.
Fuck it. We need to do something with them. What about taking them up Conic Hill? They loved it, remember?
I tried not to look him in the eye in case he started crying and saying he wanted to keep them forever.
Much to my surprise, he didn't.
Aye... Aye, that's actually a good idea.
He nodded slowly as he said this, the wrinkly bags under his eyes crinkling like anus skin.
So do we take the whole box of them or just a cup or something?
I had to ask as my experience of scattering dead people's ashes was next to nothing.
Whit would I do with the rest of the box?
Big D spoke in a low voice as if the ashy denizens of the next room were listening.
I dunno. Put the rest of them in the bin?
Fucking whit? Throw them in the bin? What the fuck?
My brother curled his right fist as if he was going to blooter me with it.
Aye alright, calm down. We will take the fucking boxes.
With that, we headed into the room and lugged the densely heavy boxes out to the car. It was only an hour's drive. Plus a couple of hours humphing up a hill. Finally, it would be done.
After some time and much puffing and regretting having been smokers we made it about halfway up Conic Hill where we could see Loch Lomond and all that shit that tourists get all ejaculatey panty for.
Here then? You can see the water, it's quite nice. To be honest I didn't want to walk any further with the dead weight of the box that I had. I bet I had my bastarding Dad, he had been six foot odd. Aye, alright. Here then. My broham was sounding forlorn. No doubt thinking sad thoughts. I opened my box. The ashes inside were sealed in a ridiculously thick clear plastic bag. I pulled out my Leatherman Skeletool and sliced it open. It smelt faintly of fags. Fags being cigarettes in Scotland and not hordes of gay men. Maybe I had been carrying my Mum all along? She loved smoking. I passed the blade to my brother who sliced his bag open. He looked at me for what came next. I scanned around to see if anyone was about, it was quite a popular hill to be walking and I was sure there were laws against throwing dead people's ashes about. There was no one. I tipped my box out and my brother did the same. The ash tumbled out with a feathery whoomph and a gigantic spume of grey and white dust rose into the air. I coughed a bit and tried to shield my eyes. Fuck. FUCK?! FUUUUUUCK!?! The wind which had been behaving itself had roused itself into a mini gale and started whipping the piles of ash into the air. AARRGRHHH?! I COULD TASTE MY MUM IN MY MOUTH?!?! At least I hoped it was my Mum. I looked over at Big D, he too appeared to be eating some of our parents and was flapping his tongue about while sputterily spitting, flapping at his face with his big strangler's hands. The wind picked up and whipped up more of our parents into the air and in our faces. Fucking hell, let's get out of here. We nodded our heads respectfully in the direction of the whipping ash clouds that had been our parents. Together now perhaps more than they ever had been. And ran.
Quite a shite pic but I had to be surreptitious as Big D was all pious and reverential on the walk, prick.
Funny how fags means cigarettes. I wonder what words today will have a completely different meaning in the future. "Oh, there goes Bobby hitting his cock-bananna again"
Cock-bananna meaning vape of course
I've been calling them "robot cocks" for years already. Who knows what's next?
Some of them really look like that. Like steampunk guns!
There are also... ahem... artisanal steampunk marital aids... in some parts of the interwebz.
Oh my, oh my, oh my. The things that go on on the webz! 🤣
Hahah, yeah there are words that in future people will be like WTF??!? :OD
You finally did it. Do you think Big "D" is relieved? The cardboard box is a little different than an urn. Together forever with the beauty of the Loch! Great choice!
It is hard to make a choice like that!
Thanks for taking a truly emotional time and making it a funny story. :) I hope they like it there or you'll be hearing from them soon.
Is hard to tell with him. He is truly a closed book. It's a relief for me!
They did offer am urn. In fact they offered many things in their big glossy catalogue of stuff to buy. Scattering was the way to go though. Just took a while!
I think they will like it there, as long as it's not raining or snowing which means for at least two months out of the year :0)
It was a relief for me as well. I do not like dealing with closed books because it makes it awkward to know if you are supposed to be doing the supporting bro thing or taking him out for a beer.
Oh!! That glossy catalog! You could tell they had visions of sugarplums dancing in their head when they put that in front of me.
Glory be! Two months! Who knew it was that long!?
I might have been exacerbating with the two months. Always the optimist :0)
I think he is even more of a closed book now since the stroke. I literally have no idea what he is thinking or even if he is thinking.
Aww bless! The powder is so fine it's like a smoke when it goes up in the air. We took my Dad, as he'd asked, up to devils falls at the foot of Ben Nevis with my mum, wife, bro and sister in law and niece. It's was pissing down and dumped him straight into the water.
The funny thing is the awkwardness cos no one can decide if they should say anything and if so, what to say. "Bye dad" in your dust form is a bit odd!
We kept a spoonful and stuck them in the house foundations when we had the Buddhist blessing service. We all know what a disaster the house turned out to be. Dad was never great at DIY...
Best wishes fella, have a great weekend. Poignancy with humour takes some pulling off!
It's like talc! That is a great place to do it. That's the thing you want to do it somewhere at least half-decent but then you were like, erm where!?
You are damned right about the awkwardness. I was likeyou wanting to say anything? He is mute and it fits end up being just a - bye guys, love you kind of thing.
The house will just get him making sure he is remembered although keeping a little for that is a genius idea
Lol, I wasn't even going to post about it until I got some of that much in my mouth and thought, oh dear this is funny!
Have a good one mate!
If not for the wind, that would have been a very emotional moment... I guess it was meant to be memorable in another way instead.
I know it was three years ago, but sorry for your loss.
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I think delaying it for so long mate it easy less emotionally than it might have been.
Still, a goodbye was good if that makes sense. Even with the ashes in the mouth!
It really does sound like they were there with you! Maybe they just didn't want it to be a sad moment.
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It could be that as it ended up being quite hilarious!
Haha wtf... mom took a trip to the dark side settling in you. Well..yall are together now for sure.. a blend of parents
gone with the wind
Ha!! Gone with the wind!!! I wish I had thought of that was a post title!!! :0D
blending in the wind
Yeek!! :0D
I wonder which part of your mum and dad you got in your mouth. I like to think Perhaps they were the wind and blew it all up on you guys in purpose. You know, one last go at the little shits type of thing. Be free mammy and pappy boom... So weird how we are now the middle aged fogeys! !LUV
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hahahah, noq you say that I find myself feeling rather near the edge of puking!
It wouldn't surprise me if that was the intention, get him one last time! :OD
!LOL
I would totally do it to my kid if I had a chance - I should really get working on that sibling, so she has a partner in crime! Im on the fence here!
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Haha, oh god. Spare yourself! The added hassle of another is off the scale. Everyone says it isn't much more work but everything goes out of the window!
We Gen X are the absolute masters of dark humor, I'm convinced 🤣🤣 This is absolutely what is going to happen if mama dreemit doesn't outlive us. For now she holds the marble box of my dad, but when she passes it will be up to my bro and I to scatter them on the lake of our youth. Probably directly from the stone cat. I will be paying careful attention to the wind
Oh yes, please do. The wind can be a bastard! Nobody wants them in their mouths!!! 🤣🤣
Laughs I can only begin to imagine. Standing there debating over the fucking box🤣🤣
I know, it was a bit surreal! lol!
Checking wind direction would have helped avoid spattering ash flow into the mouth, yuck!
Set em free best place to be, floating around, ashes to ashes, no foul on a hilltop, deed is done, they are at one in nature.
Keep chugging along, happy weekend, awesome region to wander through!
!BEER for your brother putting up with you....
I need a case of !BEER for putting up with him!
A hilltop is a good idea I think. Totally dispersed among the beautiful hills and probably in the Loch too. Magic!
It was quite still, wind-wise before we started. Then again, Ijust might not have noticed the slight breeze until there was fine ash in it! :O)
Blowing in the wind comes to mind for you guys, at least your parents now have their spot where you will be able to go sit and swig on that !BEER or case of them.
It is a nice spot for that! That was my intention to be able to trot up there in summer and just chill looking out at the water below :O)
The Lochs are beautiful year round, loved Scotland.
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BEER.That does sound like a good spot.. and that's a pretty nice view actually.. I'd hate to carry anything that far
YEah, carrying it was the worst. We should have take a cup of the stuff! Its a lovely view up there. Gonna head back up soon when its warmer and get better pics!
How much did it weigh?
Dunno, might have been five or six pounds. Or felt like it. Which wasn't so bad till we were having up hill
RoFL! That's what you get for suggesting binning them XD
I think you'd only split the ashes if there were multiple locations that you wanted to scatter them.
There was so much of it. I didn't think they would give us all of them back and when they did I was like Fark, what now? Ha, its good to be done although I half imagine I can still taste the ash :OD
Hilarious piece of writing, like always. Good to read your parents are out-of-the-box these days. It better to have these funny dusty memories instead of those sad ceremonies, where people are thrown in a deep hole in a wooden crate.
I much prefer the happy memories! I think that's what was killing me about them just sitting their, do to speak!
Sometimes I would also do this. Out of this world. There is a lot of shit nowadays. Especially the skyrocketing prices of everything. This makes the life very difficult for many people. Including us (my brother and me) too.
Sometimes the only answer is to run. I think the way prices are shooting up we will be running away from the mainstream and going off grid!
Dude, I think your mom and dad like to get in your mouth more hahaha. Still, you did what you had to do as a son and took them to their happy place.
Lol, it might not quite have been my happy place but defo theirs. Thankfully I did them both in one go! :OD
I think it wouldn't be important where to put after turning into ashes, anywhere in nature would be okay :)
That was pretty much my thinking. I didn't expect to come home with some of them on/in me right enough :0)
They're now resting together in peace, bro. This location you chose to scatter their ashes has a beautiful view, and I am confident they will be pleased with you.
Thanks mate. I like to think they would be happy with the choice and finally getting there!
they are happy man, rest assured
I knows it!
I taught John how to use a computer ... many years ago.
Did you! Wow, that's the loch indeed!! It's quite close to Glasgow, we go up a lot. It is indeed bonnie!!
Oh, Lord! My respects to your loving parents who are together somewhere in the heavenly Eden a long time ago, the important thing is the good memories that rest in your soul and with respect to the ashes Mother nature with her voice blowing at the time of throwing them when they spread over you and your brother.
The soul needs a certain learning and that is why all parents are perfect, even after they are dead, because they fit into the plans of the soul. Everything has a polarity and exists precisely so that you can see that everything is always being part of a circle, without beginning or end.
I'm still learning from the folk words of Scotland, Mr. @meesterboom
They are together now that's for sure! It's nice to wrap up their journey finally. They love on in memories but the ashes were weighing me down mentally
I understand him because the cycle had not been closed, the word and commitment to his memoirs... I hug you with all respect and I went through that experience with my grandparents and I felt freedom and a lot of peace of mind once launched into the universe, into the world to mother earth Mr. @meesterboom
Peace to all, that is the way all things should be!
🙏❤️
Mmmm maybe the wind was their way to greet you and to spite you... maybe they wanted to stay in the boxes forever... I don't know, I'm not familiar with ashes.
My wife says that once she dies she wants to be cremated and she wishes her ashes to be scattered in the Ganges...she was born in India, really around the corner considering we live in Southern Italy.
I actually don't know what I would like to do when I'm dead, as a good non-believer I know that I'll become food for worms anyway... at this point I got the brilliant idea... just to piss off my wife a little dehihihi
I told her: when I die I want to be cremated and my ashes must be scattered to Oreste Granillo... it's the name of the stadium where the Reggio Calabria football team plays, for which I support.
Obviously I took some offense while a satisfied grin appeared on my face...😈
Hahahaha!! Just remember to tell her that she doesn't have to take the whole box. There are loads! Its heavy and big. I was expecting a little urn or something. Instead I get this big pile of ashy nonsense.
Next time I scatter ashes its in the sea. That way they wont blow about too much!
maybe they'll put me in a tiny little box🤣
Hahah, it is a something to hope for!
I have to get the XL clothes now... at least when dead, let's hope it's a slender, thin figure that fits in a little box heh heh!
:0)
Then another doubt arises... my wife always insists that she wants to die before me.
now I don't contradict her also because I have no idea when I want to die, or rather the idea would exist and it never is... but it can't be done so I prefer not to think about it dehihihi.
What I wonder, if I'm left alone who will scatter my ashes?
Damn I'm screwed, if Regginà in 2100 will reach the champions cup I won't even see a game!
What then if instead of cremating me they bury me in the stadium maybe I could come back in the form of a zombie... during a game it wouldn't even be bad, I'd save on the ticket.
A zombie wouldnt be a bad thing :O)
I always think when you are gone you are gone so who cares about the ash scattering!
Well yes this is true; However, if my ashes were scattered in the Italian parliament and one of the politicians breathing them died, he wouldn't be too bad.
Once I went I went, but at least when I was dead I would have screwed one of those foolish thieves with it.... excuse my French.
But yeah then I'm so lazy alive, let alone dead lol!
You sure paint a picture Boomy 🤣🤣
In all seriousness though, lovely to spread their ashes on Conic Hill together, I'm sure it's what they would habe wanted, well apart from the ashes flying into your faces although I'm sure they'd habe gotten a laugh out of that too. May they rest in peace big man.
What a beautiful place you guys picked. Whom ever you carried up that hill would have been proud/ pleased. They carried you around as a kid so you can one day repay the offer 😌.
Best wishes to you and Big D.
That's pretty sweet, but of course being you, you made it sound like a fairly funny story.
I'm sure your parents were laughing as they watched you brother's running away.
... and so it is done !
Sounds like a bit of a Dumb and Dumber moment. Or was it another comedy?
At least they are free now ;^)
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The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
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