I had lunch today with a fellow gentleman Humphrey Badgerbast. A good chap despite having a face like a labradors minge. As we supped brandy in the Sea Dog's club I asked him how he dealt with the lower echelons of society who clung to the skirts of fine folk such as ourselves.
Ha! Cut em open dear fellow and wear them like a hat!
Humphrey threw his brandy glass at one of the footmen to emphasise his point.
I popped another slice of candied pigs foot on my tongue and pondered his words. An impulsive fellow, mind addled with the salt of the sea no doubt. But did he have a point?
I have ever been known for my compassion. Why once a wretched looking young feller-me-lad tugged at the hem of my coat as I went past, begging for food. I was more than happy to have my manservant drag him off to the nearby saltpetre mines. They are always looking for young lads to fill their dark crevices.
It is this compassion which drives me to help out any of my fellow steemians in need by way of my weekly column. Please, by all means solicit me in the rooms of chat where I can have my own manservant comb the winnets from the hog pie to supply me with those most needy of missives.
And here we are, another Thursday has come to pass. I have hitched up my proverbial skirts and girded my loins as best as I can to deliver some satisfactory advisements to my fellows in need.
Spam_Farmer1: Cn you upvt my post please - somerubbishlink
Interestingly this message was tagged with the waronspam hashtag.
Uncle Boom: Upvote your post I presume you mean? Do you realise the mind boggling irony of what you have just done, you babbling hemorrhoid? You have just spammed me with your link and tagged it with waronspam!
I have a good mind to dip my boot in horseradish and deliver it straight up your jacks before setting the bloody dogs on you. Now get out of my sight.
Next.
Spam_Farmer2: Do you want more exposure and to get your post resteemed to 6000 followers? Send 2 steem/SBD and post link in memo to - somerubbishsteemian
Uncle Boom: More exposure?! What the blazes, are you asking to see my penis? And for me to pay for the pleasure you raving rapscallion? The only chance you will have of that dear fellow is if I soak it in vinegar and beat you black and blue with the damned thing and that, you can have for nothing.
Once again, the pleasure my dear friends at lending a compassionate ear has been all mine. Rest assured all of your missives are read and I am open to helping all.
Remember, anonymity is guaranteed for...
Today, after I woke up in the late morning I made my way into the huge green and mesmerizing garden I don't have. Looking around while sipping my freshly brewed coffee with milk and sugar and a cookie in my hand, my eye fell on the corner of the field.
I threw away my coffee, that's how shocked I was before stamping towards a shouting and very fast sprouting field of spammers! I was sure I killed them all the last time but it seems they are like a never dying weed!
I shrugged, I coughed, I shouted and screamed, nothing helped!
Now, I found the flowthrower I always wanted in sale for only 349 dollar........
Weed needs to &^%%%$
Great POST!
Have a wonderful day
@poeticsnake
And equally great comment!!
I felt I was with you, supping at my coffee and charging after you into the green :0D
Love it!
you really know how to humor us on waronspams man
you had lunch with someone who looks like a dog in a sea dog's club ?
what does a blabbing hemorrhoid look like? :D
You wouldn't want to know my lady, a horrifying thing :0)
hahaha
i can't imagine
i tried though hahha
like the chicken's butt moving
hahaha
At least you tried. Hehe!!
I must say sir, your advertisements are quite amusing. Might we expect more of these later?
I've been following this other guy around who keeps on advertising his services. I have copied his spam and changed it somewhat, with which I now reply to his spam:
He has yet to respond himself...
I thank you kindly milady for your honeyed words.
Yes, that is a most fitting piece. I am sure that he will keep at the chance of taking you up on an honest offer. Perhaps date I say he may change his ways? If not then a good belting with a stout rod should be adminstered!
Sadly, the fellow is still at it. I'm afraid I am no good with a rod though, so I shall continue to follow him around with my own form of advertisement instead.
I think that will work just fine!!!
Now I could somehow see this become a video-series on dTube... =D
Hehe, that would be a fine thing! I can already see the tartan blanket on his knees!
Hahaha, with a pipe now and then. Brandy filled glass. Mumbling inbetween sentences.
There is an image emerging. =D
A very clear image!! Perhaps how I see myself in years to come Hehe!!!
LOL
Fair notice @meesterboom, I'm working on memorizing some of your lines to use at work. I especially like, "I have a good mind...." Not sure if I should use it on a co-worker or my boss.
Just never tell them they have a face like a labradors minge!!
Hehe, well there is always some prudence to be had when dealing with the high head ones!! ;0)
That's the best post I read in ages, fucking hilarious dude.
Hehe, Cheers dude!!! I try to raise a giggle!!
hahahah I always rush to read your post and you never disappoint to make me laugh except the turkish story (accident)-hope the good lady is well.
Humphrey Badgerbast will be a good steemian because he will fearlessly kick the ass of F4F spammers haha...wish you well.
Oh god of Humphrey would, the man has the right of it!! Cheers mate!
welcome, send in my greetings.
This should be the fate of all spam farmers.
To the stocks with them to be pilloried and we can all throw rotten tomatoes at them.
I rather think that your gentlemen friends would enjoy this while they drank their port and brandy :-)
I think that would be right up their Street!!
Funny post! Thanks for sharing @meesterboom. Always nice to get a laugh while steemin'.
It's the whole reason for my existence I think lol!! Cheers mate!
Such wisdoms! Very advisement! Wow!
Once again thanks for a delightful dose of boom.
Haha! I take it your friend Mr. Badgerbast doesn't hang out on Steemit lol.
You are very welcome.
Haha, it would be rather unfortunate if he did, that was my favourite line ;0)
Me too man! Had me giggling at that one
Hehe, then I can rest easy!
Love the adverts. Spammers are my the bane of my existence! When will they cease and desist?
I don't think they ever will!!! I rejected when there were none. Almost!! :0)
they are the weeds of the internet!
And that's where the flamethrower comes in handy!!
I must say, @meesterboom, your metaphors and analogies are inventive to say the least!! :D They always make me smile... A face like a labradors minge.. dear god haha !!
Hahah!!! Oh yes, I like to come up with an inventive offer or two to spice up the text!
very nice post...!!!
upvoted...!!!
Why thank you very much!
OMFG!!!
The end~*~
Lol, the vinegar bit? :0D
Hahah, This cracks me up. "Spam_Farmer2" and "somerubbishsteemian" Hahahhaha
Nothing like saying how it is!!
At first I have to say that now I have just an image in my mind: you with the hitched up skirt! :D
After this image I forgot everything you wrote lol :0)
Lol, it's all about the imagery eh!!!
I think Uncle Boom should wear a monocle, not spectacles! By Jove!
(LOL!)
If only I only needed one eye! ;0) hehe, by Jove indeed!!
I love the stories of Uncle Boom, always very didactic and intrutivas of how to act before these situations
It is good to see that you mitigate the humor dear friend @meesterboom, these guys are increasingly crap, they are like insects, they become immune to poison
We must kill them all
I could not be more in agreement with you @jlufer. Sometimes besides the poison all we can do is try to poke them with humour!
upvoted and resteemed
Cheers mate!
"face like a labradors minge". Lol. Another expression I haven't heard. Poor guy. Maybe you should provide some advice on dealing with that.
I fear there is no cure or advice that can remedy that!! I am a veritable factory of created phrases :0D
Babbling hemorrhoid, oh the lols I'm having from that visual! Now each time I see one of these creatures from the abyss I will envision an itchy painful blood filled vessel yapping away from the inner recesses of a gnarly bumhole.
Hehe, you describe it better than me!!! I quite liked that one too. What better way to describe them!! :0D
The very definition of a hemorrhoid is "A constant pain in the ass", so I would say it is indeed a perfect description
That is very true!! Hurrah!!!
The word "exposure" is a great way to know when any opportunity is worth AVOIDING. Exposure indeed!!
Exactly, what kind of felon pushes someone for exposure!! Outrageous! :0D
My dear fellow I doff my hat to thee! The way you deal with the lesser folk is heart warming.
I try my hale companion, I try! We have to look out for those special folk :0D
The bloody spammers wont even give a token upvote, BoomDawg.
I noticed, they are all oooo followed and upvoted but it's all lies!
nice post bro...
ha ha haaaaa nice....
;0)
Bob's your uncle
And then some!
LOL
wow Nice Story
upvoted and followed you if you like cuteaniamals please follow me
Nic Post and Every time i see your post, i always feel happy and happy. and I Follow u and U Follow Me and Upvote
That's fantastic! Thank you
My good man, I say, have you ever noticed, perchance, that our Thursday posts never intersect with one another. Quite curious actually. Whenever I go to the gentlemen's club to reminisce past days, you are off gallivanting somewhere else. Will we ever share a Thursday chewing pig's feet side by side? We shall never know.
That scalawag asking for an upvote is bad enough, but to use the tag waronspam on it? I think he's just begging for a good whipping. At the very least, he certainly knows how to put a crosshair on himself.
For the resteem one. Ugh. I even followed some breadcrumbs and discovered that there are at least 2 warring factions that perform the same service. None of what they resteem even break $5 so I don't why people are still falling for it. They're like urchins who think that they're better than other urchins, which is certainly the bad kind.
Oh yes indeed! Cheers!