Monogamy seemed weird too me since as long as I could remember. I love chocolate ice cream and I love vanilla ice cream but how can I have only one for the rest of my life? How can I choose just one when there are so many that taste sooooo good?
I suspected that I wasn't after monogamy but when I suggested that to people I started to date, they freaked out. So I had a few "serious" boyfriends in my early years but also a slip up here or there. That's what made me realize that I have a problem delaying gratification and need a lot of freedom in my life. The freedom to flirt, to get excited from meeting someone new and let that moment carry you to a night of uncontrolled passion. Chasing rainbows, just like Rainbowdash.
Lucky for me, I fell strong and hard for Simba (look him up on steemit, I don't know how to tag him yet). Apparently he was in an open relationship before, so when I tried to ge his view on these things he was into it. Together we agreed on a few basic guidelines. Others came and went throughout the years but these are the roots of our open relationship:
- Complete honesty, even if it hurts to hear. We will always discuss this calmly and remember that-
- The most important thing in this is each other . We believe that we wouldn't go hurting each other on purpose. That is why-
- We will always try to balance both our needs, remembering ourselves and each other in the process. Naturally that applies also to-
- Safe sex. Really, 'nough said.
Being bisexual, we started with the classic "I'm not jealous as long as you are only with people from your gender" but a lot have changed since then. My first experience at that was when I went to a girl I met online. I had lots of fun with her but when night came and I couldn't go home to hug him, I realized I prefer having him around. Naturally, our next step was to find a unicorn. These rare amazing women that loves threesomes. Again, delayed gratification hit me. Took too long and I didn't like to wait. We hit the swingers scene for only a short while when I got pregnant and we decided to wait with that. As fate would have it, Facebook was finally getting strong in my country and I found myself in a cool little geek polyamory group. At last, I have found my people! All of them have been so colorful and amazing,- they spoke freely of dealing with challenges in non monogamous relationships, sexuality and gender identification. I couldn't wait to get back in the game but had to wait.
Naturally, it's hard to see everyone all the time, work, raise a child and all that. As an ADD fairy with her feet not even touching the ground, one of the biggest challenges I had to face have been time management. Apparently, the fear of forgetting or double booking partners, thus delaying our encounter in yet another month or two, finally made me organize my life and keep a calendar.
I learned a lot about things I never expected to come from this. Patience, listening to myself, being intimate, opening up and reading not only body language but also the emotional one. We now have a few partners each, of all genders, and we keep making new connections while making time for each other.
I stumbled across an eye opening article about a year ago:
http://polyamorydiaries.com/why-men-cheat/
It is wonderful and should be read by everyone. Even those that have no intention of breaking away from monogamy.
This path lead me to read the book "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan.
That's a great read as well! It touches on the evolution of our species and how our psychology and physiology is geared towards polyamory. Agriculture and private property is what changed our environment to make it economically beneficial to move towards a culture that encourages monogamy.
The economics behind the paleolithic period is explained very well by Hans-Hermann Hoppe in this (free!) book:
https://mises.org/library/short-history-man-progress-and-decline
Highly recommend you nerd out on this one!
Everyone trying to live a happy life should UNDERSTAND these concepts since otherwise you will fall into a bunch of mental traps including this infamous false dichotomy.
When someone is cheating people often say:
People actually give advice that equates to: "ignore your feelings and thoughts and throw away the most important relationship of your life"
Yes.. give up on your best friend, the mother/father of your children, the person with whom you have a mortgage, the person knows you better than everyone else. All because you are hardwired to crave novelty.
There's also the zero sum game that's assumed with relationships.
You can have multiple friends that each have their own flavor/spice. A person with whom you party with, another with whom you go hiking with, another friend to have deep discussions with, etc. None of these friends take away love from the others.
This logic is not applied to someone with whom you have sex with though.
Relationships are not black and white, there are infinite shades of grey. There are infinite ways to set up a life with other humans. Some people are monogamous, some dig orgies, some have a main spouse with a few friends with benefits, some go out hunting WITH their spouse, etc.
I think this is the next logical step for western cultural evolution. To understand our biology, then design a lifestyle that takes this into consideration in order to maximize happiness and avoid the far to often depression associated with modern culture.
Well, monogamy, yes :)
I tried three years living in a kind of open relation.
My GF was married...he knew me, liked me.
They had two kids and in the weekend we were having excursions all together like a 3-parent family with two kids.
I am sure that was a good experience for the kids as they could see that life is more than just thhe conventional :)
It lasted almost four years and he was my best man at the pagean weddingceremony I had with her.
We considered buying a house all together but then life happened and things turned out differently.
I don know, if I would do it again...propably if I love "her" enough, yes.
For sure it is an experience I do not want to miss in my life.
For the moment I am super happy in a (hopefuly) monogame relation.
My excuses for my terrible typing today...It even does pain to me as linguist..but I typed too much during the day.
Enjoy every phase of your live, because thats what it is: phases :)
Try all you want, but do not hurt anyone and u will be happy.
This is an interesting story, thanks for sharing it.
I have two burning questions though. You mentioned you got pregnant.
This is a complex issue, that I personally don't believe a small child should have to deal with at too early of an age. Just my own view.
For example, you are with someone "new" who seems like a normal, sane person. 6 months later they lose their job, they go through a psychiatric breakdown, become clingy and weird, and make you and your partner's life a living hell and start stalking.
You know those oddities, like movies are made about? :)
interesting question 1
I don't think societal norm will change fast on open relationships.
I'm guessing you will be brave and learn your kids to challenge society
So I kinda think you've called this one wrong. All of us on earth are slutting up fast (and I mean this rather positively, I think-- we don't know what the very long-term results of this will be yet). What am I talking about?
Here's the odd thing about all this, though: I mean, historically we've always been freaky, us humans, but... well, with the multiplied opportunity, comes a multiplied lifetime partner's number.
@intelliguy isn't it a shit state of affairs that you consider "lost their job" such a negative? I mean, yeah, you might have to-- what I mean is-- globally, all of us are under way too much pressure overall. 2016 is global insanity.
(1) He is 3 years old now and knows our partners a little (we have about 4 ever since he was a little baby as he gets to see them here and there) - he likes them. Last month one of them came with a giant electric lego fire truck and we all had fun playing together. It's not like we have sex in front of him... so our activities and communication is quite normal, social and kids safe when the kid is awake. If he will ever think they are more than just friends, then the only problem would be if he told this to my mom. Kids take this quite normally from what I've seen in polyamory relationships with kids involved (I know about 3 who are open to their kids about this), kids take this quite naturally. It's society who won't take it so lightly so I'm "in the closet" about this when it comes to the child's life. It's not really a topic to have with mothers of kids who are friends with my kid. It's my sexual life and shouldn't interest them or be discussed with my kid. (we are in an open relationship we are not poly)
(2) You mean, if I'm as a female get stalked by someone I dated? Happened to me a few times, but way before I met my husband. Unfortunately, it's a dating risk and exists in the dating world, not unique to open relationships in any way.
Very interesting. I think we have been programmed to believe monogamy is the only way and in my opinion at our primal core that is not what we were designed for. In the same way I feel like I could only be in a monogamous relationship myself out of jealousy, which to be honest is probably from being told all this time that if someone isnt 1 on 1 with you then they are a bad person. Very good read though!
An open relationship isn't a real one
One wife is enough @rainbowdash lol
Imagine if they both take the stage at the same time #99problems @cob
I know how to share the stage... and sometime you just take turns lol
Touché, twos a party - got you ;) @rainbowdash
Enjoy every moment. The best thing in our life is love.
Very interesting post. Personally not for me but each to their own.
make sure everyone participates in the first steemit lottery
https://steemit.com/money/@nabilov/the-first-steem-lottery-hosted-by-member-nabilov#comments
Similar to SP, SMD tokens cannot be purchased directly on an external exchange. SMD are primarily earned through contributing but can be purchased by converting STEEM tokens to SMD tokens.
Actually Steem Dollars can now purchased on external exchanges !
https://poloniex.com/exchange#btc_sbd
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PS Abbreviation of SBD = Steem Backed Dollars
or just SD = Steem Dollars (not SMD please edit)
Good post. Relationships are extremely hard and extremely necessary.
What's your number? ;)
Awesome, we need much more openness and clear communication in the world. I'm happy for you ;)