Looking Forward To 2018 Without Expectations
Looking Back Without Getting Lost
My mom Beverly and my Father Fredrick were married in 1958, I was born in 1960, my sister of this union was born a couple years later in Wiesbaden Germany. My Father was stationed in Wiesbaden and was a Captain in the Air Force. He was a navigator and a pilot and flew many missions throughout the Middle East.
My Father's favorite thing to do was go fast, he loved driving fast cars and flying fast little jets. I don't have any pictures of his little jets. I think my sister has them, she is the keeper of the family photos. I don't keep many pictures of my family because photographs have never been the holder of memories for me. I carry my memories within me, buried deep in my genetics.
Th e photo of a man feeding a baby is my Father and I... I learned to love sauerkraut at an early age. You can see a few of my Dads cars and they will become my next car paintings. I don't know what kind of car I am sitting on with my Mom. If anyone knows, please tell me!
My Dad died of cancer when he was 29 years old, I was almost 5 and my sister was 2.5 years old. My Mom went on to marry dysfunctional men, one of them was a psychopath that got off terrorizing little kids. I learned about the darker side of human nature from my Stepfather and my Mother. I will never know what my Father would of taught me and that's why I missed him so much as a child.
During the time I was doing a lot of vipassana retreats all the traumatic memories lost their power over me and I had a dream about my Father during that time. I visited him one last time, he was with another family but he told me that if I needed him he would always be here for me. After that vivid dream my grief and intrusive traumatic thoughts/feelings left for good. That's why you don't see many family memories or photos on my stream. Most of my family are still stuck in our family trauma . The family I still have relationship with I feel the need to protect and don't post much about them online.
My Dad loved fast cars my Mom loved Morgan horses. After my Dad died my Mom bought a small 40 acre farm near Portland and settled down to raise and show Morgans. I grew up running with spring foals. The horse on the far left was mine, her name was Pixie, she was a blood bay and we traveled many trails through the Oregon woods together. I helped raise her from a foal until we sold her when I turned 12 years old. The middle photo is Char Rebel and the background was Lady her mother. The far right photo are some of the spring foals I used to run with. I would walk down to our front pastures and hang out with the broodmares and their foals. Often the little ones would dance around and run with each other. I found they would also dance and run with me. Looking back these are the memories I choose to remember. All the rest of the painful memories are stored away until I want to recall them, they no longer rule me!
Everything Is Gonna Be Alright
If you think you can't live another moment, take a deep breath, life is constantly changing. You can learn to ride the change without being the victim of it!
A link to My Blog
I believe the car is a 1965 ford mustang drop top.
It just that all the characteristic pieces are off the photo or obscured.
But I feel fairly positive about that bumper.
But, but, I am not a gear-head. Some of my friends would tell me exactly what year, model, and trim options it was.
It is one of the hardest things (at least for me) that when you heal from family abuse... you no longer really have a family. In part, because going back only retraumatizes you, plus, they no longer know who you are, because you cannot act out your defined role anymore.
My first Dharma teacher told me my family would try and power out on me when I started letting go of my families trauma. He was right, they called me crazy when I was doing all my retreat work, exercising, learning how to eat correctly. I stopped being the family scapegoat as well and I finally left after I figured out that my becoming healthy and healing my trauma was not going to help my family or make them love me. In fact leaving them in a way is helping because they can no longer blame me for their problems. I found it odd that people who say you are an unlovable ugly person would want you to stay with them. They should be happy I left but they aren't. This to me defines crazy...
What I wish for everyone no matter how hate filled they are is that they find enlightenment. That would be the best revenge for me!
I looked up cars with that kind of body style and I came up with the Ford Mustang or maybe a corvette...I will do some more research.
Happy New Year @builderofcastles, I wish you contentment and health, with a big cup of wealth!
After looking at photos, I am pretty sure its not a 65 mustang. As the wheel well is shaped wrong.
It could be a corvette or a corvair.
I cannot find a photo of that wheel. If I did, then I would know for sure.
I think this photo was taken in 1961...I am not two years old ...
Found it!
Its a 1958-62 Renault Floride Convertible.
If the photo included the mirror, or part of the headlight it would have been easy... Still, I envy my gear-head friends.
Ahhh! I got it, copied and stored for my next car painting. Thank you so much @builderofcastles<3
Rear engine and slow😂
Yes. As I understand it, this car was a knock off of the Corvair. With a rear air-cooled engine. Similar to the VW.
It does look like a cute little car.
Happy new year and thanks for sharing so much personal stuff! I find this inspiring at a time when I needed to think about overcoming life's setbacks. Thanks! :)
It's not that personal, I don't get into the verbal, sexual, and physical abuse I went through until I was sent to a foster home. Or the bonding to such awful people that I had to work my way out of...My story is told for those who still struggle with old trauma or are in abusive situations right now, doesn't matter whether it is abuse from family, work, or government. Trauma can be let go and one can lead a healthy life. Happy New Year @rocking-dave.
Happy New Year! All the best to you and those around you you value!
Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through the traumatic incidents as a child. I've never heard of vipassana so I'll have to look that up. I'm glad that even though the damage and trauma you're in a place where you can offer encouragement for others and make the world a brighter place in spite of the darkness surrounding us.
Happy new year
I worked with hundreds of women in codependence anonymous, closed surviver groups and Al-Anon and I am used to sharing.
The vipassana I took was taught by SN Goenka (www.dhamma.org and it's free) who died a few years ago. You get an assistant teacher and video tapes of lectures. I was able to do a retreat with SN Goenka years ago and found his assistant teachers just as competent and helpful when you are needing clarification. The retreats are very strict, no mixing of sexes, men and women stay in different buildings when resting and sleeping. Depending on the center you may have individual rooms or bunkhouses and usually everyone meditates in a big Dhamma hall. What I found was I was grounded back in the body, trauma kind of cuts the body and mind off from each other. The technique digs up all sorts of stuff though, stuff we've been hiding from so this is kinda like bootcamp vipassana. It's dive in and you will either sink or swim. You can't take anything but yourself into the retreat. You will meet yourself or what you think is self...hehehe
You have to take retreats for enlightenment, as a Boddhisatta, one who seeks enlightenment to help others...It's not an arhat practice, which is really weird because Theravada Buddhism feels there is only one Buddha until all the lessons Buddha taught die off and then another Buddha comes into the world. I think that's done so when you go sit in retreat you are not looking for something personal or get rid of something. What happened to me was a side-effect of practice.
Truly a drunken dick
I missed the kindness of your father, died and you came down small.
Some of the things we challenged can not be changed like a relative's death
Thanks for sharing these dicatriz
God willing, you will be in 2018 at best
Alcohol played a large part in the disfunction...Being a female with no father in my society is dangerous. I think that may be so in most societies. Human kind harbors within it's pool of diversity people who prey on others. I think the job of the father is to teach how to defend oneself and to protect those who haven't learned how to protect themselves. For the girl child a father represents the man she will look for as a mate. That's what I missed most when growing up without a father.
Happy New Year @klasanaj, may God Bless your family and land with health and prosperity.
@reddust,
Sorry for hear it! I like the way you think! New year just arrived to my place! So, wish you a happy new year friend!
Cheers~
I've listened to so many people's stories of sadness and trauma. We can't escape this life without experiencing the loss that death brings. It's our choice how we react to the painful events in our life.
Happy New Year @theguruasia, may this year bring you and your family, happiness, health, and wealth!
May we all experience the thrill of dancing like spring foals! hahahaha <3
@reddust,
One day we all die! If we can keep remind it life will be easy to live! Thank you very much for your great wishes and I wish you same friend!
Cheers~
I'm sorry you had such a childhood. Your dad died from cancer, he was very young. Your mother is a champion.
Happy New Year - you are an Angel.
Happy New Year @dobartim, may this new year bring you and yours happiness, health, and wealth!
It's time to write me an e-mail for health, then we will enter the new year 2018 as it should :) Thanks a lot for kind words and big support my sister.
I will write you, today everyone is gone and I have some time to sit down and do the little things that are so important and need to be done. Thank you for your kindness and I am happy to know your friends and family.
The attraction energy always works on time.
Happy new year
Happy New Year!.
Happy New Year @safrijals, may your God Bless you and your family.
Thank
Wow such a life story thank you for sharing and happy new year
We all have interesting stories to share. Memory is interesting, the past is gone and so is the person who lived during that time. Remembering is much like making a quilt from many different pieces of fabric. Thankfully the past stay's in the past ... There are so many interesting memories that would make amazing stories to write and paint! That's how I look at my past, an interesting story....
you know i respect you as a good woman
Happy New Year! Friend
Happy New Year @papma, God Bless you and your family.
Thank
Happy new year!
I'm sorry to read about those hardships! I hope 2018 will be great for you and your family! :)
Hardships are part of this life, it's best if we can learn from them and then they will transform into hard won lessons! Happy New Year @naydenova!
They are. Life is not perfect and all we can do is learn and move forward. All the best! :)
Happy new year. Look at a bride side. You turned out to be a very good human! At least i see you like that.
I have walked the edges of light and dark and finally chose the middle way beyond what is good and bad, although I still practice the virtues. I try hard to be good but coming from a dysfunctional family I had to define good, that turned into an interesting adventure ;-)
Happy New Year :)
Happy New Year my friend.
Happy new year 2018 @reddust!!🎉🎊🎉🎊
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to you my friend @alktoni
Welcome to the new year 2018, hopefully fun,good story
Will be gorgeous year 2018!
HaPpY NeW yEaR
Upvote and resteem done.
@reddust - Ma'm you have a good & strong heart... I like that & respect it... Nice t see you at this stage after a hurtful time back... God bless you & happy new year ma'm...
+W+
Happy new year 2018 @reddust.💚💙💜
Have a fun-filled, smashing, rocking and happening New Years 2018.Upvote and resteem done done.
i feel very bad for you ...but these situation are part of life ...it makes you stronger ....
wish you a Happy new year
Life is way of many ups and dOwn gOd bless you my dear
Best wishes for you
Keep moving on dear
Aw, crushing to hear your dad passed at such a young age. I'm proud of you, sister, for taking good care of yourself, and for continuing to love your dad after all these years. Trusting you will continue to be blessed by his presence in your life. I'm upping and resteeming this–it touches my heart.
The story of your life is filled with a lot of meanings lessons Thank you for sharing a happy year
Happy new year @reddust hope this year brings a lot of joy to you as well as our steem community !!
Thank you. I hope I learned something from 2017 to make 2018 even Better. Good dreams can do a lot of good. Wishing you many good dreams in 2018 @reddust
This post has received gratitude of 0.90 % from @appreciator thanks to: @reddust.
you may have had a very chaotic past..but that doesn't mean you are gonna a suffer for the entire life..im really happy about you..you are a brave lady who didn't give up..but you have learnt from your darker days..and here you are..im proud of you..and i wish you a very happy new year..and may this year bless you with all the joy and happiness
May this New Year brings you a peace filled life, warmth and togetherness in your family and much prosperity! Happy New Year!
@reddust you just made me cry on #newyear . "Everything Is Not Gonna Be Alright" EVER . We just take things easy & that is just because we don't have options to change or make anything & everything like we want !
But Still
| Lets This Deep Topic Here |
HPY NY YR
everything is gonna be alright its life :) Happy New Year
well i too had such experiences but i moved on as no one can do anything life is strange ... Happy new year 2018
photo ate the memory of your time, happy new year.
:0 you are 57 ,that is somehow not believe-able,You are indeed loking much more younger than that .
Those are indeed some precious memories you shared .
Happy New Year !
No expectations no dissatisfaction :)
Happy New Year
Thank you @reddust, I'm very touched by what you've written here. It's very important to me what you write about your difficult childhood experiences and how you found ways to overcome their power. I'm so glad that you share, it's not always easy to open up. It's also not easy to hear from someone, who found a way out of difficult, painful place, time... I think you're doing a wonderful thing, that can end up with someone finding a way to heal themselves. It's invaluable! I feel very moved. I'm imagining you with the foals, and riding a Pixie. I had relationships with animals through different, sometimes tough times. I wanted to have a horse for many, many years. I'm very curious how it is, to be friends with horses. I know how it is with dogs, cats, parrots, rodents. But how are horses when you can spend every day with them? I had never opportunity to know a horse very well, and it was always a fascinating mystery to me :)
All the best to you in New Year @reddust!
Much Love,
Klaudia