I remember once when I was young I read a quote from Sir Oscar Wilde. In it he said: “There are only two great tragedies in this life. Do not get what you want and get it” Since I saw it for the first time, this phrase resonated in my memory, opening my perception what was happening around me. As people could not get what they wanted and somehow, this was the flame of their existence, but it quickly drown in the inescapable of their situation. I also come to appreciate how those who got it were going through a similar situation. As ironic as it may seem, both endings are equally devastating for the human spirit, which is so stubborn and obtuse that it can only reach its maximum potential during the journey. The search makes the mission and not the objective. It makes me laugh like this cannot be truer.
Numerous have been the times in which, personally, I desire some banal article as it could be a simple packet of cookies and this is more intense than any motivation that I feel regularly, but once I have it, it is justunsatisfactory. What did I need to do to make these cookies fully savored? To have to fight with fists for them, to solve complex riddles in different elementary temples, to smoke grass before to enjoy them more? No. It was the simple and excessive expectation of an achievement that caused that reaction, in addition to a lack of effort for its fulfillment.
As selfish as it may sound, in my opinion, existence (in which none of us decided to participate) is a test in search of self-sufficiency through certain personal sacrifices. These are not giving up a love life or things like that. No. It consists in being able to invest the effort that is needed to fulfill what we propose. You will not approve that subject if you do not study for it. You will not get that promotion if you do not dedicate yourself and you focus on demonstrating that you deserve it. You will not have that car you want if all you do is sit down at night to write posts (I do not want a car). So, what are you really waiting for?
I have gone through similar situations and I am not far from it happening to me. I did not make an effort in an assignment, which would allow me to dominate and evolve in bliss, and then get depressed for having failed based on the lack of initial effort. It is almost a joke to conceive this chain of actions. It seems almost as a computer program: Have intention to try, do not try, fail, and get depressed, then repeat. And continue like this indefinitely until you just stop trying and break your cycle. For example, I am someone who really wants to learn how to draw and capture all the things that come to my mind, horrible and shameful things that I could draw today, but it would be like some kinder garden’s doodle. I have tried to propose to learn drawing but I have never managed to take the second step. In fact, I could not say I took the first step; I just put on my shoes and stayed in bed listening to the Evangelion’s soundtrack. I have confronted myself on multiple occasions, being unable to begin the path I have tried to propose to myself as if I did not really care.
This is where I become introspective. Warning:
You could easily say that I just do not like what I do. Maybe that is the great revelation behind my lack of pro activity. But what I think is the real reason is the lack of previous effort; the absence of discipline in general. There are not many excuses about it and if I must admit that I'm lazy, I can do it, but at the same time I must admit that without having developed some gram of discipline, perseverance and goal-finding, these turn out to be just a joke. I do not have it and frankly, I can admit that it is probable I’ll never be happy, resigning myself in some work that gives me enough money to buy food that I do not have to cook and live in four walls where nobody bothers me, all This is because I do not fight for what I want.
In addition to what I already mentioned, I must admit that I am not someone who could be considered a good person completely. And I do not say it for unimportant things like lying to your girlfriend when she asks you if you consider another woman attractive when it is clear that she only seeks to trap you in the biggest 'Predator' style, but decisions that I have made that affect negatively to people that I care and love. One of the most defined features that I have is apathy; I developed it for different reasons, but mostly as a method to protect myself from the frustration of this lack of achievements; As a result, it is difficult to determine what one wants, since all options have to be equally important, making none more attractive than the other, repeating to myself the phrase 'Nothing matters' often, which, although it sounds depressing, it is true. Nothing matters. We are people on a piece of land in the middle of nowhere trying to achieve selfish goals that will not transcend in any way, but if something is true is that if nothing matters, then everything matters. This is where you can feel confused, but when I say 'Everything matters' I try to express that only we are the ones who determinate it. We can allow everything matter to us, or only our family or our friends. It is the decision we take what makes the difference and it is not complicated one.
I started this entry with an appointment and I think it would be dramatic and interesting to finish it with another one. A phrase that has also stayed with me since I read it is 'You must do what you feel right'. It's as simple as that. That is the grain of sand that can define a person completely. 'What you feel is right' is not a moral code. It is not a creed. It is only that which really feels good. What you know inside you feels good. Doing it all the time is a difficult task, but doing it a couple of times is a beginning. At least at times where it really matters, just do what you feel is right. Happiness is a broad concept. At the end of the day, when we look at the past and remember moments where we were happy, these do not make up more than 20 minutes and happened at times where we did not even perceive how happy we were at that moment. All of us are born to live a life that we do not ask for and die when we have learned everything we need to enjoy it and that is why we seek happiness and this, in reality, is not more than 5 minutes in total. To our advantage they are not consecutive. Not in general cases. These 5 minutes are scattered in our memory and, keeping us excited for the next moment is the true motivation of the human being. Those 5 seconds where that beautiful girl with glasses smiled back to tell you in an ironic way that you were the worst boyfriend in the world. Those 10 seconds of emotion that you felt when your father and you escaped from the school trip to the arcade. That time you looked out to sea from the port when you went to the beach on your surprise a sublime night for another 15 seconds. Those feelings do not die. Those feelings are you. They are what you are, whether you like them or not, but the fact is that you only have 5 minutes. To smile because you had them is better than to complain because they will not come back. They will not return. There is nothing you can do about it, but they are part of you. You cannot miss something that you will always have with you and that is what feels right.