My mental strength is not always apparent to my children. I do everything in my power to manage my mental illness. This includes therapy, medication, supplementation, exercise, and dietary restriction of problematic foods. It also includes telling my children when I'm having a hard time and need to take a break.
My kids know my closet is my safe space. We all have spots we frequent to calm down. My eldest son goes on the trampoline. My middle child gets under the blanket in my bed. My youngest chooses my arms or the shower. I go into my closet and close the door.
My daughter, yesterday, wanted to be snuggled and tickled.
Recently, I was in the closet and my kids hadn't heard me telling them where I was. They came looking for me. My middle sweetheart came straight to my room and said, "Mom, are you in there?"
I told him yes.
"Okay."
His sister started to open the door.
"No, don't open it," he said kindly. "She's calming down. She'll come out when she feels better."
Me from my daughter's POV.
I lay across my closet floor and cried because his understanding was both complete and supportive. I used to feel ashamed that, as an adult, I needed such a "childish" calm down space. In fact, I rejected the space for months when a therapist suggested it was regressive. That is how I discovered my autism. It was ultimately a good development, but I was severely disregulated due to denying myself my safe space.
I have had to work to be proud of listening to my body and using the space again. By refusing to interrupt me, my son validated me in several ways. First, he demonstrated that he recognized my need for the space. Second, he stated that I was succeeding in my use of the space. Third, he maintained the sanctity of the space because safe spaces and calming down are important.
In my home, we talk about recognizing and honoring our bodily needs in the same terms as our mental and spiritual needs. It is important to rejuvenate all aspects of ourselves in order to be our best.
Sometimes that means goofy selfies to make ourselves giggle.
I know that my choice to tell the kids I'm calming down in my closet seems odd. I have judged myself for it for years. But the truth is I am modeling self-regulating behavior that my children follow. They are stronger mentally because we celebrate taking care of ourselves. Self-chosen time outs are our norm.
But the kids don't always see this as a strength. It is frustrating to have a mother who can't self-regulate with deep breaths. Who, after walking around the grocery store, has to sit in the car for several minutes with her ears covered and her eyes shut before driving.
Yes, they understand. Yes, they support. But they also see other parents who are able to truck through life in regulation. Like their father. Or their grandparents. Or their friends' parents. In comparison, I look unhealthy.
Here's the thing: "mental illness" doesn't mean unhealthy. It implies dysfunction that may or may not be managed. Mine is managed. I am healthy even though I experience mental illness. I know plenty of unhealthy people with no apparent mental illness just as I know other healthy, mentally ill people.
I am physically very well. Here I am working on handstands at the gym yesterday. Photo credit goes to Kid 1.
I hope my choice to be open about my self-regulatory needs benefit my children, that one day they see how much strength it took to set judgment aside and share the imperfect parts of myself with them. I hope they know that I do it because it makes me a better parent, more consistent, more present. I hope they set aside what society says about those of us with different ways of processing experiences and recognize that every person is unique, every body has different needs, just as does every mind.
Beautiful pictures, Shawna
Following you, @shawnamawns
Thank you so much! I'm on my way over to follow back!
You're welcome, Shawna & thank you for following me, @shawnamawna
Shawna, thank you for this post. Truly, I am almost about to cry. This has helped me (literally in this moment) to help me reframe a conversation my mon had with me when I was a teenager.
A lot to unpack here.
Oh. My heart just jumped two sizes. I'm so glad I can support you, Rachel. <3
"I am modeling self-regulating behavior that my children follow." This is everything. xoxo
this is called a family..
great post keep it up..
Thank you, Muhammad!
nice enjoy with children ?
My children are sources of great joy in my life.
beautiful pictures and beautiful family
thanks for sharing
Thank you for reading and commenting. :)
If I had had kids in life - I would have probably put the diaper on the wrong end! Good thing, perhaps, as an only child / only grandchild who never married and has no relatives beyond my Mom, one generation / branch of the tree of humanity shall end with me.....you are truly a Superwoman @shawnamawna !
Aww, thank you @lanceman! I can't imagine what it would be like to not be surrounded by family. It seems freeing, but that may be a loooong summer talking. You are deeply appreciated, and your legacy will live beyond your branch of the family tree.
Your middle child is a gem!!!! god bless you guys!!!
He absolutely is. Thank you! ❤️
Kids can suprise us and sometimes it better for us to be kid again ^_^
This is so exceptionally true. I think sitting in my closet is a return to easier times. I've always had a go-to closet growing up. In fact, I only recently stopped setting up my kids' closets as mini-rooms expecting them to do the same. LOL
Try Zen.
There is a Tibetan monastery here where I practice Shambhala meditation and yoga. It's a beautiful experience. I know it differs from Zen. We do have a Zen temple as well. I may look into it!
Wow, I'm impressed! It's so difficult to speak publicly about mental health issues. It's people like you, who educate their families and share their stories, that help raise awareness and fight the stigma. You keep helping millions of others that have similar problems. I don't have anything special to ask or to say, I wanted to encourage and support you in what you are doing.
I completely agree with you. There is something really wrong when our society only seeks to accept us if we pretend to be in a place that we are not. Social media has exacerbated this, since it allows for people to curate what they show to others. I am really worried for the mental health of all these kids, born to such unachievable high standards. Us parents need to show, by modelling those behaviours, that everyone is different, manages life differently and that it is completely ok to not feel in control all the time. Well done for speaking out and believing in your good skills as a parent.
We need more people like you out there, normalising humanity. Upvoted.
I love that you said "normalising humanity." We really are just humans having human experiences. I sometimes say to my kids that I'm "feeling very human" or some related statement when I'm vulnerable and pulling myself together.
You are correct. We need to make sure we aren't curating too much of what we show the next generation. Life is not all cheese for the camera. I take pictures of myself crying sometimes because of that. Maybe I will be brave and share them here sometime. It's part of who I am, and I find it's good to have a balance of happy and tough moments in my camera roll.
You're doing amazing!
Thank you!!
I love this post so much, and needed to read this today. <3
I'm so glad it supports you! Let's stay connected. Following.
Always so refreshing to see honest and pure vulnerability. Such a vital element of healing! Great post.
Thank you. I deeply appreciate this affirming comment. ❤️
🙏🏼
Beautiful post! It's so true that we all need a safe space (especially those of us with anxiety disorders). You sound like a wonderful mommy <3!
❤️ Thank you! Do you have a spot you love? They help so much.
you are really a gr8t mom ,,you daughter must be proud of you
Thank you!