Disclaimer:This is a relationship post... brace yourselves!
Please note that the writer is female but in this post choses to borrow the male point of view...
This is not in anyway a legal or professional advice!
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I do not know how to say what I want to without the risk of being misunderstood or taken to the extreme by involving other stuff, but I have to risk it because this really is something important. Hopefully some other stuff I say will help make some of that less likely.
Hopefully....
I was having a conversation with someone this evening and we talked about marriages as well. She shared some things with me and they struck a cord inside me.
In my place there is a saying that you (parents, friends or anyone outside of the intending groom) do not marry for a man. What they mean basically is that they do not carry the financial burden to marry a woman on behalf of someone, as it is a responsibility he must bear to show that he is a man.
I agree to a large extent as to get married and stay married is not a joke nor for the fainthearted. For all our disagreements about which weddings count, which are the best, whether it is important, an achievement and all that, for the most part I believe most of us agree it is a big deal to get hitched and so people should not be jumping in anyhow.
I know people assist their friends and family with money and items when they getting married. There is nothing bad here. It helps a lot and shows their support. I also know that sometimes some brides also pitch in and no one but their husband and perhaps a few friends and family know. The gist never leaves that tight circle.
There is also nothing bad there and I am not against it if she chooses to do this and they can be happy with it.
My issue (and my caution) is when you have a man who desires a woman handles it all and/or even goes to someone else to pay for the entire wedding as he does not want to. This is very wrong and is a massive red flag you need to look out for as a lady. It is a large warning bell you cannot afford to ignore.
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I still hold to some of the traditional views about marriage customs in our nation so yes, for me it means that I for example am going to marry someone. So I go to her place, meet her people and declare my intent. The way the wedding goes varies from place to place in our country but in the end the point is I went to seek a wife and she agreed to marry me.
In other words, she is not marrying herself, so I should not be asking her to bear the financial burden of the wedding. If we had both agreed to handle it together, it is different. Again, let each do what they want. But that thing where some men say the woman should do it is just not OK nor advisable in my opinion. You may feel/know otherwise. If you do, please let me know. I am quite open to conversation on this issue.
Please note that this thing I refer to is not the same as a man seeing the cost of the wedding is too high or the demands from the bride's family are too much. Those ones are understandable and how it is handled varies from couple to couple.
I am specifically talking about a man who is asking her to foot the bill for the wedding or asking someone else to. Or even worse a man who does not feel the need or push to commit financially so the woman is "forced to" so as to cover her shame and all what not.
A man who refuses to commit financially to wed you is not going to wake up tomorrow and commit to financially be responsible for and to you in marriage. That is just one of the issues you are going to start having. Another will be value. I am not going to risk equating bride price and paying for a wedding with a woman's worth, but I will say this; if he did not think you worth the "trouble" then, I doubt he will think you worth the trouble after you have done it all yourself.
I really do hope I am making some sense here as I am trying so hard to not go overboard and confuse/mislead anyone. Some of these dudes have even been known to throw it back at their wives years later saying things like; "after all I did not marry you. You did it yourself."
Stupid?
Yes.
Definitely stupid.
But it happens all the same.
I have never seen or heard a story where this kind of thing ends well. I am not saying it cannot. I am not God so I do not know all the weddings and marriages. I can only speak for the ones I know of. It did not work.
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Getting married is a big deal. When you are seeing funny stuff as you prepare, do not be afraid of what people will say to halt it and figure out what is going on. That shame you are afraid to bear that makes you carry on with a relationship and go ahead with a marriage, will be worse if it crashes.
This is one of the most amazing posts i've read in a long while... i liked everything you wrote up there and i totally agree... even if a man isnt financially stable at the moment a date should be set... he should work towards it, he can have assistance from people but he should be the one taking responsibility, ... in some way it shows how he values the woman he's about to spend his life with
Love always wins!
@rudnicki love only wins when the two persons are in love and try to make the relationship work... it takes more than love to make a relationship flourish
Practice making each other feel wonderful everyday inside every way!
Wait till you love someone but they don't show no commitment whatsoever...
Am male and i agree that being financially involved in your wedding shows that the lady youre getting married to is important... i mean? No one spends on stuff they don't value
I think trying to make sure you're very involved in the spendings that comes up during your marriage as a man shows how responsible you are and how much you want your wife at that point in time, its also not the criteria for a happy /lasting marriage but 'at that point in time' it shows you wanted that lady in your life!
I don't know how it works in other countries but what i read up there is entirely true in nigeria... ladies are usually in a rush to get married that they forget to draw the line of responsibilty and at the end it hits them back at their faces...
'Most' people would never value what they don't spend on... thank God for the persons who do
I still do not understand why a man would want you in his life but won't take responsibilty to make sure he gets you... that should be an instant red flag... i mean? Its different if yoi support but if you do it all? My dear as a lady it isn't really a wise decision!
No matter how broke a man is ge should be able to see how important marriage to the one he loves is to him and he should be more than willing to make an effort!
Hey @crystalll... very important post up there
I agree that a man should be financially involved in his own wedding, if not what's the point of calling it his wedding?
1. a wedding itself doesn't need to be that expensive
this idea that a wedding should make a woman feel a princess is not just outdated but also stupid. it's an occasion worth celebrating BUT the point is having a marriage, not just a wedding. you'll need the money for a house; projects; kids; etc. to me, that's way more important than spending tens of thousands of dollars on a dress.
2. you are in it together
and again, that's the whole point. from that moment on, you are basically agreeing on sharing the burdens of life together; if you start by not sharing the burden of a wedding, it doesn't speak well for the future.
BUT if one is having dream-wedding expectations and really need them satisfied, that should be on them. if, say, the woman wants to rent a castle and the man really couldn't care, why should he throw in so much money for it? same thing if the guy wants, I don't know, use a fancy sporty car or rent the Rolling Stones as a band.
I think you got the post wrong... read again!
The problem is not who pays the bills of the marriage, the problem is the condition that led to the person footing the bill. I don't think any man that's truly interested in a woman and wants to build a future with her would allow her carry the burden of the wedding alone; even if her dad is dangote. When a woman is too desperate for marriage, that's when such things do occur. Even in situations where the man don't even have much and the woman is supporting him, the man always tries his best to ensure that his contribution in the wedding is tangible because he sincerely wants to be with the woman. Na woman wey dey pressure man wey Neva ready for marriage naim Dem dey leave the whole marriage expenses for.