A few days ago I alluded to a life-challenge my wife and I are facing currently although didn’t elaborate much other than to say ”neither of us are directly in peril”. I thought I'd elaborate a little in this post, more just to get the thoughts out of my head than anything else I guess.
We got home from Europe a week ago and my mother-in-law asked if we would be able to take her to the hospital as some tests were required. Naturally my wife was immediately concerned and as it turns out she was right to be; My mother in law has been advised by the doctors that she has a serious form of cancer.
Faith and I are not strangers to cancer as we have both lost a parent to the illness; My mum passed away at 59 years old in 2004 and Faith's father at 33 years old in 1982 when Faith was just 11 years old herself. Both situations were incredibly tragic of course, as always, and whilst life moves forward we never forget the pain and suffering our parents went through or our own for that matter.
I never met my wife’s father although he was a tenacious man, a battler and above all else doted on his daughter and only child, Faith. Despite the intense pain he clung fiercely to life being reluctant to leave her fatherless however inevitably the struggle had to end. My wife, at 11 years old, stood beside her father’s hospital bed and with his hand in hers told him it was ok for him to go and that she would be ok. She told him she’d miss him every second of her life and yet she wanted him to stop being in pain all the time. He was unable to speak however he smiled slightly and his body sort of relaxed as he fell asleep. My wife stayed a little while and then was coaxed to leave. It was the last time she saw her father alive as he passed on that evening, only two hours later.
I was told that story by my mother in law many years ago which helped me understand my wife a little better. She still wakes in tears sometimes after dreaming about her dad and it breaks my heart. Now she faces more tragedy as if she hasn’t faced enough.
When her father passed away her mum had to work very hard to provide for the both of them and they had little more than a roof over their heads and, after the bills and expenses, only a little left over for food and clothing. There was no luxury in their lives, in fact some of the basics of life were indeed luxuries for them. As often happens in cases like this friends seemed to drift away and before long they were left with only a couple of stalwart friends, and of course some family to offer them some moral support. It was a terribly difficult time for them both.
My wife ended up leaving school to attend hairdressing trade school and her mum found the means to put her through school, purchase the appropriate clothing and equipment and make ends meet at home. Faith eventually started a part-time job part time when studying and she recalls coming home after her first week at work to hand her pay to her mum to help with the bills. Of course her mum refused telling Faith that she had earned it and it was hers to do with what she wanted. Faith took her mum out for dinner with some of it as a small celebration of her first week at work…A luxury they had not been able to afford for a long time. I think about the two of them sitting there at dinner and it makes me so sad, yet also happy to know my wife was such a strong person at only 15 years old!
I met my wife when she was a couple weeks away from turning 16 and I was 17 and a half. She was a beautiful teenager, stunning in fact, and I was immediately smitten. She smiled and laughed and would shyly look at me with her large brown eyes framed by her long blonde hair and when she did my heart melted with love. We have been together ever since, have faced many good, and bad, moments side by side, and have supported each other with respect and fierce strength and loyalty. It is that same strength we will need to face this new challenge however when I look at my wife right now she looks afraid, uncertain and very stressed, not broken, but breaking. It breaks my heart because there is little I can do but "be here" for her in some small capacity.
Throughout the 31 years Faith and I have been together I have worked hard to ensure she has what she wants, which is generally only what she needs. She is not materialistic and my upbringing was rather modest as far as money goes as well so we don’t feel much need to furnish ourselves with a great deal more than what we really need. This time however I cannot provide what she needs or wants. Her mum’s recovery.
Faith’s focus is firmly on her mum right now and she has taken steps to ensure she has the time and flexibility to be available as required. She also runs our business, which will probably suffer throughout this troubled time, however I support her decisions and would never question her motivation to be a hundred percent supportive to her mum. Faith has been of immeasurable support to me throughout my mum’s terminal cancer journey, a terrible time I had with an ex-business-partner, has supported my family (younger brothers and sister) throughout their childhoods and has been the voice of reason, my greatest supporter, advocate and my best friend. I want to make this right for her, but I don’t know how.
I’ve said this on other occasions but will do so again, I am not sure I know what to do right now. In truth I don’t know if there’s much I could do other than pick up some of the slack at home and give her the ability to focus more on her mum. This will be a difficult time for the both of us but more for her. She is already drained, emotionally and physically, and her brow is constantly lined with worry. Her mum has a follow-up appointment on Tuesday this week and we hope to hear the cancer hasn’t spread although we both know the news may not be favourable.
Wishes count for nothing in life, I’m abundantly aware of that, however if they did I’d wish for my wife to suffer no more pain or heartache; She’s had enough throughout her early life struggling to cope with her dad’s illness and then with her mum to make ends meet. It breaks my heart to think of what it must have been like for them all those years ago, the tears she’s shed, the things she has missed out on, and now here we are facing another scenario that will tear her apart all over again. I feel pretty helpless and angry to be honest. I don’t know if that’s normal, the anger part I mean.
So far we have kept this thing pretty quiet, just between the three of us. I mentioned it on steemit a couple of days ago and have had some messages of support, which is nice. I write about it now as it helps me to think things through and to clarify my own thoughts and feelings. I know I need to be supportive and will need strength of my own to do so for my wife and mother-in-law as well. After so many years together Faith and I know each other pretty well but this is uncharted territory for me and I'm feeling a little lost to be completely honest.
OK, so that’s pretty much all I have for now. This post probably reads as quite depressed which is how I feel however it feels a little better to write the words, somewhat cathartic. Thanks for reading through if you managed to get this far.
GalenKP
Im sorry you both are dealing with this. Its good to get it out. Sometimes the little things like chores and such make all the difference. I think "be here" is bigger than you realize. Presence is comfort & strength. Wishing you all well. Blessings
Thanks @weirdheadaches. It's actually brought some clarity just writing it down and I'll probably do so again at some stage. After 31 years together we tend to know how to react with each other but because it's her mum things seem to have escalated and I'm in unfamiliar territory. I'll work it out though I guess.
I'm so sorry to hear this news @galenkp; sending my best to you and Faith, and of course her mom.
By the way, from my own experience, anger is a normal reoccurring part of all of it.
I have heard that also. I feel a little helpless; Sure, just be here and be supportive etc. but I feel helpless that I can’t change the situation and angry that Faith has to go through this in the first place. She has been very upset and I don't like seeing her cry. I think that's what makes me so angry...My inability to simply take it all away.
Thanks for your reply.
Yes, helpless. I understand completely.
I’m sure your scenario is much more difficult of course. Obviously you understand completely how I feel considering what you’ve been going through with Brian.
I did get to the end of it...I read it through and I cannot imagine the immensity of what you are walking through. I will offer prayer as it’s the only thing I can offer. I pray strength and inner peace that transcends understanding for you as you walk with your wife. My prayers and thoughts will be with your wife and her mum too 🙏
Thank you Jessi, much appreciated. It's been a tough start to this process. I think one of the hardest thing is not knowing where we stand with it all. They are going to the hospital tomorrow to get some more results from tests last week...I dread coming home and asking how it went tomorrow. There's many people suffering out there in the world though, many much worse than us in this situation.
Thanks for your thought. Greatly appreciated and just writing this post sort of put things into perspective. Writing has always had that affect on me.
Yes writing or painting can be therapeutic and actually remove it from you so you can understand it better and make more sense of what’s inside you. Sending thoughts today!
Thanks Jessi they are at the hospital as I type this. We are eagerly awaiting some news but also dreading it. Thanks for your thoughts.
It can put things in perspective at times. All you can do is either fight it the best you can or accept the things you can't change. I know a few people with cancer, and have overcome it only for it to come back again.
So, the best I can do is offer my unflinching support.
Yes, cancer fkn sucks and my thoughts also go out to my mother-in-law and I hope for the best result for her. It's the pain and suffering my wife is going through that I struggle to deal with effectively though. She isn't demanding of course, that's not her style, but I want to support her the best I can and I am struggling to understand how.
Thanks for your reply though, greatly appreciated.
Hi galen. That is terrible news and feel for both of you This is a stressful period and brings home how fragile life is. No one knows what tomorrow brings and we must live for today.
I agree @cryptoandcoffee life is but a fleeting moment in reality and is gone before we know it.
I think I pieced things together a bit, probably from some comments on one of your last posts. I'm really sorry, man. That's never easy. I think it's normal to be angry about the injustice of it all. You fiercely love your wife and want to do everything you can to protect her, but you can't punch cancer in the face. All you can do is "be there for her and her mom."
I'm far enough away that I can't really do anything to help. Also, I don't have any special medical knowledge or miracle cures. I can pray though, so I'll do that.
I'd say more, but you've probably already heard it at this point. Just know that I care. All the best to the three of you.
Greatly appreciated my bro. There are many worse off than we are of course however feeling helpless is not really something I'm used to which is why it's all so hard.
It sucks to feel helpless, that's for sure. I work on trying to recognize if there's something I can do to fix or change things. If there's not, then I try to not worry about it. In a situation like the one you're in, it's not at all easy to do that.
It’s a good strategy and one I’m familiar with...But as you say this situation is somewhat more difficult to facilitate. We’ll work through it though.
My well wishes are with you and Faith. I know your bond will keep you both strong.
Thanks @stuffing we'll get through it, I’m sure.
Sorry to hear this bud. I had to say goodbye to my own father just before my 12th birthday. There is nothing you can do other that be supportive, caring and strong for her. Sometimes you have to accept that you are unable to change a situation and do whatever you can to get through it better. Thinking of you guys mate
Nicely said mate, and so sorry to hear about your dad. It's life of course, but is never easy. By the way, did you see my silver giveaway post? You were nominated entry by my friend @stuffing just now so good luck in the draw.
Thanks for your words my man.
Bugger, no I didn't see that, been so busy clearing out my department at work as it is shutting down so it's back to the drawing board (job hunt). Thanks @stuffing , you're the best
As terrible as this may sound, you know the worst is yet to come. As I said to someone else, recently (I can't remember who, my memory is terrible at the moment.) Weather the storm down. Don't let it weather you down.
Endure it, survive it. We're all here for you however we can be.
Roll around in some of your silver. It'll make you feel better.
Plus, it's healthy. Silver is anti-bacterial, too.
I'm a realist and so yes, I know what you mean. It's hard for Faith though of course. Hmm, I hadn't thought about the healing properties of rolling in my silver but now you've planted the seed I might put a silver-rolling-sesh together tomorrow after work to perk me up a bit! :)
I'm so sorry, Galen. I read through this with tears in my eyes. My heart is with you and your wife through these terrible times.
Once again, your love for her is inspiring and I really hope you two can make it through this <3
Thanks @honeydue I think because how close we are we will make this work as best we can. We were talking tonight and Faith is so nervous about tomorrow and what they’ll be told. I’m hoping there’s good news but will have to wait and see. Thanks for your message, much appreciated.
it's a great life struggle ,,, your wife is a strong woman and never give up ,,, I hope your day is always fun for my friend @galenkp
Yes, I hope your day is always fun as well...
oh thanks my brother
My well wishes are with you and Faith. I know your bond will keep you both strong.
Thanks for resteeming this one @weirdheadaches. God bless you @galenkp, you and I have a peculiar amount of scenarios in common.