I thought I would spend this evening writing something a little more personal. If you can relate to this I would love to know.
I’m 27 years of age. Soon to be 28. In my world this means all my friends are in long-term relationships, getting married and planning, if not already delivering, human beings. I’m in a long-term relationship too and I’m pretty happy, by my standards that is, and clearly not by everyone else’s.
The pressure to get married or just do something that would indicate i’m ‘growing-up’ is intense. INTENSE I tell you.
I can’t go a week without someone asking me when my boyfriend and I will get married. Will we have kids? Are we going to buy a house? Why aren’t we ‘moving forward’?
Moving forward towards what exactly? Forward to meeting the standards that society sets for us? When it comes to marriage, I guess my parents were a little different because I never really had any schooling from them in the ‘standards of society’ department, so all I know is i’m apparently doing something wrong and definitely missing everyone else’s deadlines.
Let me just set the scene a little. I used to live in Singapore where I worked as a food and travel writer, among other things, and now I split my time between London & Kuala Lumpur and run my own fashion label. Again, among other things.
image via Pintrest
In the eyes of my parents.. let’s just say they are still waiting for me to make them proud and go back to a stable 9 - 5 where the majority of my life will be spent at the same desk every day and the rest of it getting to and from that desk. They would never directly say it, but i’m sure that would make them feel much more secure. But on the marriage front they've never even asked.
My friends can handle the fact that I don't have the same kind of jobs most of them do, the elephant in the room is usually the marriage part. When it's discussed they say I will come round. They think that i’m running away from life’s responsibilities and are waiting for me to get a reality check. Most of them anyway. The ones that never left our hometown in particular. I think once you move away somewhere, anywhere, your perspective on the whole of life drastically changes. And gaining perspective isn't always a blessing..
image via Pintrest
I enjoy being with my partner and I don’t find a need to get married because: I don’t have the money to throw a party for everyone I know, I’m not religious and most importantly actually it’s something i’ve never wanted or really considered. I always dreamt of having a house by the sea, not a diamond on my left hand, second finger from the right. And is it really so strange to have different dreams? To want to spend your money on traveling the world and uncovering as much of this beautiful planet as possible, as opposed to on marriage and children? Sure you can have both, but what if I only want to make the former my sole priority?
Luckily I have found a partner who thinks the same way as me.
People say it’s because i’m young and my mind will change when I get older. I’ve now been hearing that for over twenty years. And now I am older. Or do they mean older still?
Never say never. I believe that now because it’s too limiting. You never know what is around the corner and how the world might change your persecutive in some way. So i’m not saying I will never get married, but I am saying that at the moment this is not something that is important to me and with my life as it is and what I have planned for myself, I can’t ever imagine it being important to me.
Children? I haven’t made up my mind yet, but for now it’s a no. I’ve got a hell of a lot of things to do before i’m 30 and the list gets bigger every day. I’ll get back to you on that when i’m 31.
So yes, I don’t plan on getting married but I do plan on moving to California or New York, traveling South Africa and South America, setting up my own manufacturing team in India, learning Hindi, doing a Nutrition course and so much more within the next 5 years.
If that makes me strange then i’ll take that.
If you're not married and don't intend on being, i'd love to hear your thoughts on this one!
Yasmine
If you're not married and don't intend on being, i'd love to hear your thoughts on this one!
Nice post. You question was geared toward non-married couple.
I am refrained to answer cause it will be biased. But I praised your courage to show all steemians you are your own self. We all should respect that.
Keep on steemin'
I suppose I was just looking to find some steemians who think the same way as me, but all opinions welcome! :-) and thank you for the post. I appreciate it :-)
I don’t understand how a stable 9-5 job is better than being able to travel the world and open up to new possibilities. It baffles me that, people don’t realise what an amazing opportunity this is, sure it isn’t stable but you’ll find your way and be happy you know.
I don’t want to ever do a 9-5 job but I want a job that pays me well and let’s me travel the world and explore on my own ☺️, that’s like the perfect dream job.
I am TOTALLY with you. I guess it's just social norms, isn't it. I feel pretty happy not fulfilling them :-)
You have to also take into account that, with the exception of countries where there is little separation between religion and state and where people are particularly devout, divorce rates are often higher than 50%.
It's a gamble and the odds are stacked against you.
Falling in love is a potent drug and the first few years may indeed be blissful, but sooner than later that passion will fade. Then marriage becomes work. You have to work on being patient while compromising every day. Living with and sharing a bed with the same person for years leads to taking each other for granted. You may even find yourself irritated with every little thing your partner does. Falling in love is like a crazy funfair ride and it moves at the speed of light. Falling out of love is a longer process and you may waste many precious years holding on because of platonic attachment, fear of being alone and putting off the horror show that is divorce.
I got married at 22. I was divorced by 27. I am much older now and have never even considered it again. Not because I got burnt, but because it left me with some insight and I've looked at every marriage of everyone I know from every possible angle.
Here are my observations:
-People who married in their late 30's and beyond are doing the best. You know yourself and where you will and will not compromise. I'd say that 38 is the cut-off point for having a child if you're a woman.
-Once baby makes three, a woman's focus and priorities are obviously going to shift to the child. This is often where they lose romantic interest in their husbands and the marriage becomes a child-focused partnership where there had better be a foundation of great mutual respect and maturity in order to keep things together.
-Once the passion had faded, it is natural that at some stage you will start finding other people attractive. They say that a man has a roving eye, but we are not that different and women have the same desires. They just hide it better. Cheating is BS, so you may find yourself is a sexless prison.
-Prepare for a lifetime of fights about nothing really, simply out of the frustration of being chained to someone once the flame is out. I hypothesize that many fights are picked in order to elicit at least some emotion and passion, albeit negative. Anything is better than not talking to each other.
-40 is the new 30. Really. My 30s were the best years of my life. Youthful enough to give life horns, but with maturity that hadn't yet turned into slowing down and mellowing out too much.
-If you can't bear the thought of growing old alone, you can always marry at 50. People actually still have great sex and have lots of fun well into their 60s, as gross as that may sound. I always thought that I'd never find older women attractive, but it's been years now since I switched from perving on the daughters to drooling over the moms.
Enjoy your 20s and 30s, please! To hell with people who want you to limit your options by 90% by means of marriage and kids. They mostly can't stand the fact that you are free while they are not.
Do whatever the hell you want. You have one life and there are no specific ages to be doing or having achieved anything.
Interesting perspective and thank you for sharing it here. I guess your points are referring to marriage alone? Are long-term relationships not the same? By that I mean don't they experience the same up and downs that marriages do? Interested to hear your take on that!
I am of course speaking completely subjectively and offer nothing but my personal observations and thoughts. Not every marriage is like this, but most are.
Quick answer: There is a huge difference between long term relationships and being married. Of course long term relationships can exhibit the same symptoms as a shaky marriage, but it's easy enough to move on from once you've had enough.
I'm going to edit out the part where I lump long term relationships in with marriage. I was thinking of couples who were together for six or eight years and already fought all the time with clearly visible cracks in the relationship. And then they marry because 8 years is a long time and they're falling apart. An official marriage makes it very hard to break up. Something I've often heard was "we've been together for too long to ever be apart". Emotional codependency. Strong platonic attachment. No one wants to be known as a divorcee, a frightful badge of dishonor and it really comes with a stigma.
People change once it becomes official. Without fail. Everybody I know, myself included. I suppose I should've made that a point but I've never tried to figure out why.
Maybe it's the official legal contract? You are now bound together by your government. You are bound to each other by the banks and corporations. This is another level of trust forced upon you. You already have to trust your partner to not cheat on you or lie to you. You have to blindly trust on an emotional level when in a partnership. Now you also have to trust that person to not wreck your life financially.
Maybe it's the expectations born from cultural reinforcement. You have to be a good husband or a good wife. TV sure as hell taught us well. Then there are friends and family with the brainwashed mindset, often miserable in their own relationships, who want to put pressure on you to conform to their standards.
Without knowing, people start to "act like married people". Most pack on pounds during the first year or so. You see them less. Where you could phone them at any time before, you quickly learn when not to bother them. They start hanging out with other couples more than their with their old friends. Just some things I have seen happen to almost every marriage that I was close to.
I know people who have been in very long term relationships, some 20 years plus. They are doing the best. They still have fun together and are way more affectionate to each other than married couples.
So my problem is with marriage. It's a bad thing, still based in medieval religion and traditions.
Some people make it work beautifully until they are are bags of wrinkles, but the world has changed or more accurately, is changing every day.
Millennials should start to let it go. It's just an industry binding its customers like cigarette companies do with their producs.
It's outdated. It was designed with the man in absolute control over the household with women being submissive. It only "works" under those conditions. Which of course is ridiculous in 2018.
Again, some interesting points. I do agree with some parts of this, but I also think it's really hard to generalise since every marriage is different so I guess it's tough to identify what 'works' in marriage. I do this marriage is outdated, but also I really do understand why some people want to marry.
Our views come down to the lives we've lived. Perspective, a strange and wonderful thing.
Yep, we're all products of our environment. This is just where it took me.
I think, I want get married this year :D
That's great :-) Do what makes you happy!
I found this so interesting and relatable. As a person who has always accidentally walked the left hand path- the road less trod, I get what you mean about conventional expectations. Though for years I tried to walk the conventional path because I believed that was what a 'good' person was supposed to do.
But I always gave up, did what I wanted and made people feel awkward.😂
Oh well it's too late for me now and the older I get the worse it gets. Just gonna ride this flaming train wreck off the cliff... whenever that comes.😀😃😅
Started following you by the way.👌🏾👍🏾🖐🏾
Sounds like we are very similar in that case :-) Thanks for the follow! I'll check out your account too :-)
Thanks I just joined!😀 I hope to add some fun content!
Hey @yasminep :))) I am with you girl. I am married, I love my boy , my kids and my life , but I was so happy to read your thoughts. I was feeling the same with those stupid stereotypes. We are traveling the world with our kids, and people think we are crazy.
" Why don't you live in one place?
Why are we torture our children?
Why are we moving so much?"
Why don't you mind your goddamned business ???
I start thinking , if you have real friends , they will be happy for you no matter what. If they are not, they will said bad things , not because you are doing the things not right but because they wanna be in your place ;)
I will follow you :) Good luck with everything :)
I know it's nothing to do with me, but I LOVE the fact you're travelling the world with your kids. What an unbelievable experience for them. Just do you. Choose whatever path makes you feel good and happy. Thanks for your comment today! :-) I will check out your account too!
Guess you have revealed the voice of most folks who share the same mindset as you. It is easy to have this attitude and talk about that all day. But make it happened by taking action? It takes unimaginable courage and determination.
And here you did it, salute.
Thanks buddy. I appreciate it! :-)
Interesting sharing of your perspective on marriage! Everyone has right to make their own choice, I can imagine how intense is your pressure especially during festive season! Do what you think is right and I'm glad that you found a partner who share the same thought as you!
Thanks for your input here! Truly appreciated :-)
No-one should ever question or ridicule your dreams @yasminep or pressure you to fit in with their ideas, their model of what you 'should' do with your own life. True love does not require a piece of paper to sanctify your union with the person you love, nor does it require the wearing of a ring to bind you together.
Just because a path is well trodden does not make it the way to go...I admire you for walking your talk, and following your own inner compass to guide you in creating your own dreams. ⭐️❤️😊
Thank you so much, Lily! You've put a huge smile on my face today. Everyone really does have a different journey!
Very glad you are smiling @yasminep! You have every right to be proud of your choices and path. That is something to celebrate and honour and value very highly. Our unique perspectives and journeys are there for all of us to be enriched, inspired and encouraged, not smothered, criticised or pressured to fit in with the "norm." And these days, what exactly IS "normal" anyway? 😊
So very, very true! I love your positivity! Keep being you, I think you're wonderful :-)
Awww thanks honey...thats really "sweet" 😊
Sorry even I groan at my own puns sometimes 😱😄😎
I met my wife late. We got married later, haha.
Until I showed up, she was perfectly content being single despite the usual family question you've been bombarded with at festive season.
Not that she lacked potential suitors. So, lucky me.
We joke that how come we didn't meet earlier, although tracing our offices where we were over the years, we could have crossed paths many times. Weird.
I have friend who were ladies also never thought of getting married or having children. Quite a few now are mothers. Tbh, sometime its hard to imagine they are now mothers, enjoying motherhood.
Nowadays, below 30 still early. On the other hand, should you change your mind, don't wait too long to have children. It can get more difficult for some as age catches up.
Interesting perspective, James. It sounds as though you're happy! Thank you for sharing your experiences here.
yes I'm happy, and very blessed to have her in my life. Hope my comment gave some additional perspective :-)
It’s very interesting read and I think you totally shouldn’t care about what others think and what is it that you should do. Marriage is just a commitment but most people can live together in a committed relationship and stay happy, I think you still have many years left... I am 30 now and I’m not ready for kids or marriage yet! But one day I might be or I might not be, who knows? Point is I stopped caring after 30 what everyone else thinks..... my life, I do whatever I want. Trust me when you hit 30 a lot of things don’t matter anymore, you become more selfish but why wouldn’t you? You have one life, use it! :)
You're totally right Alla. A lot of my friends tell me that at 30 you feel more comfortable in your own skin. I think I should start caring less about what other people think!
Oh yeah, about those people who tell you how to live your life? I find that they are in a very privileged position of dishing out advice that they don't have to suffer the consequences for.
I made it a point to only listen to advice from those who had taken the path themselves.
That's also true. It's hard sometimes to switch off from other people's opinions. But I'm learning to become more comfortable with my own choices and more comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for reaching out about this. You make a lot of sense :-)
You do you, sweetie! 💚 You can create the perfect life that suits you perfectly, don't ever feel pressure to live up to anyone else's standards. As long as you are happy!
I can relate, I also want a house on the beach 🏖. If you do ever come to South Africa, you have some friends here! We know all the beautiful spots and of course the vegan restaurants 🌱🍕
You have no idea how much you just made my day. THANK YOU. So great to hear someone who agrees and I will make it to South Africa one day ;-) It's happening! Xx
Hiya! Great meeting you at the CNY Meetup earlier. Always nice to finally put a face to the Steemit ID :)
Been married, been divorced, and now in a healthy relatioship with @deborism. Though we talked about it, but there's certainly no rush in marriage or kids. I already had one, but would love to have one with Debbie too, if chance permit.
I guess what I'm saying is, there is no rush, and the good thing about being divorce, your family members and friends stop rushing you to get married, haha. That makes me think if they are even invested in your relationship sometimes, or just wanna get it over with, like "Oh, at least he's married, or at least he has a family now." I hate that because it sounded that it's a must to get married, like a "badge" to collect. To me, is what you do with the marriage that counts, not the wedding. And what you do with your life that counts, not just the fact you're not dead.
But that's me. Marriage always felt like overly commercialised these days. I hope after the banquet and honeymoon and securing the first home together and having the first child and all, the couple can remember why they were in the relationship in the first place.
I'm totally with you! I think as long as you're doing it for the right reasons and because you truly want to, that's the main thing, @debroism is absolutely awesome! You both are :-) So good to be connected!
I am married and do have kids, BUT my husband and I were together for almost a decade before getting married and eventually having kids. We moved away from our safe familiar surroundings (much like you) and gained perspective. Actually we moved to several places and had outside of the box jobs. It was wonderful, and we are stronger humans for it both personally, professionally, and together. The pressure to get married was very intense. I remember that. You end up with a set of rehearsed responses ready in your pocket for all of the genres of people in your life. In my humble opinion, I think your choices are perfect and your path will present itself as you go down it in exactly the way it is supposed to. Keep on keepin’ on! Cheers!
Good for you!! It sounds like you've lived a very adventurous life and have made some fabulous choices. Thanks for your words today! :-)
Ah the social conditioning is a joke, if you've not had 2.4 kids by the age of 30 and a ring on your finger you've somehow failed at life according to society! Does my head in, good for you for holding strong and walking your own path! Resteemed
Thank you, Tony! Really appreciate your words :-)
this is the season of intense question for Chinese folks.
during Chinese New Year, the relatives, some of whom you never see for the past 12 months will ask questions like.
So, we have this:
Hahah yes! I went to a Chinese New Year dinner last year with a local family and I had a lot of questions haha. I'm not even related! This made me smile! Thanks @ace108 :-)
you're welcome.
You go girl. I am married but we are certainly not planning to have kids at this times and I found myself in your post. There are so many things in front of me I want to achieve before 30 (I am 28 right now). People often ask me when I am going to have kids. In the past, I always answered that I certainly want to have kids probably within a few years just so I can satisfy others with my answer. Now I just say it as it is. I don't even know if I want to have kids. People always stay surprised but who cares. Love your spirit. We would certainly have something to talk about.
YES! You do you, my girl. Thanks for your words. Given me a real boost today :-)
They are two issues with the marriage thing that society gets wrong, first, most people are looking for the perfect partner to complete them. And that is wrong by itself, you should be complete by yourself and marriage is more about finding someone that compliments you rather than completes you.
I Personally have nothing against marriage or having children. In my personal experience and opinion It's one of the life beauties, while I already have a house within 500 meters of the beach and in one of the best and safest cities in the world, in Dubai, the house itself is nothing compared to my little 5 year daughter, I actually enjoy the beach and travel more with my daughter since I get to enjoy my time and watch her growing and learning and being part of her development, the beauty of children is they remind us of how simple life is, watching my little daughter wake up and seeing the sun is enough for her that today is going to good and that how I was when I used to be a kid, I wanted nothing but a good day with friends and I was not thinking about tomorrow.
Marriage, in my opinion, is just a signed contract or agreement between two persons that love each other that they will respect and be there for each one, this agreement or commitment can work for some and does not work for others.If it does not work, it is as simple as declaring that contract as invalid from now on and each one goes his own way.
Thanks for this @digdaga. It's awesome that you spend so much time with your daughter and travel with her too! :-)
'marriage is more about finding someone that compliments you rather than completes you' - I love that. Really, very, true. I guess that's true of any romantic relationship? Doesn't need to be marriage.
I am married and had two wonderful boys. I also had the JOB. It wasn't great at all. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and my kids.
This life is about what you want not what everyone else wants for you. The new generations are changing. There are some young ones that are following the past but I see more and more people like yourself. I told my boys not to get married, there will be plenty of time for that. Go and explore and have fun. You are young and now is the time to do those types of things. Not when you are too old to appreciate a long walk on the beach because your body aches and you can't. I think what you are doing is perfect. If you can share that with someone with the same thoughts then that is even better.
I had a cousin who went out and traveled around the world when we were all having kids. I admired her, and thought that if I could do it over I might choose to do that.
Life is about right now, in this moment. Enjoy it as much as you can, in whatever way you see fit for you. :)
'Life is about right now, in this moment.' Totally agree with that. There is more than one way to live I suppose. Thanks for your comment @carey-page!
Thanks for your post.
Society likes to create a projection of themselves on others as a way of justifying their choices in life. Also, for many years, a person was determined as successful if they had a steady job, got married, had kids, bought a house and nice car. But now, things have changed and there are more and more young people like you. However, a lot of people in society have not evolved enough to accept that being successfull nowadays is not necessarily having all that I mentoned above. Basically, the most important thing is to stay true to yourself and what you want, no matter what society wants for you. Courage! You'll see, many will not admit it but will actually be jealous of your lifestyle and choices ;)
I agree with your points, Jessica. Thanks for taking the time to write this to me :-)
I never got married so far. It kind of was not on my priority list... I am quite independent type of person and I had a child relatively early in life...with 25. Broke up with my partner soon after that (after 7 years)...Now, 11 years later, I feel ready for a relationship but marriage...I’m actually quite indeferent about it :D
I agree with you - I don’t really care about diamonds or the big party...though house by the sea would be nice ;)
So happy you can relate too. Keep doing you @matejka13! xx
Great post, Yas. And I 100% agree with you (you probably know that anyway). You've always had my full support on whatever you decide to do or where this life takes you.
The most important thing is to live in the moment (which I'm terrible at doing by the way), day by day, month by month, plan ahead but always be ready for a change if it comes your way (much better at this though, haha).
Choose what makes you happy and the rest can bugger off. True friends and family will always be by your side whether you get married and have kids or not - as long as you're happy, that's what matters the most.
Love you x
That's so so true, Ings. Thanks for this! And I know you've forever got my back. Love you xxxx