A Geeky Guy's Movie Guide to Red Sparrow (2018)

hanshotfirst (76)in #movie-review • 7 years ago

Red Sparrow is terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

They took the "deceive" part very seriously. They deceived anyone in the audience who foolishly thought this might be worth their time.

Please do not waste your time on this movie. I saw this movie on Thursday night and it was the biggest waste of my time since that one time I walked into the wrong theater and stared at a blank screen for two hours. Sitting through an in-service on the magical powers of practice for a second time would have been a better use of my time than watching this ridiculous piece of hot, smelly garbage. I am not even angry that I wasted my money seeing this in a "premium" theater. I can make more money. I can't make more time. That is gone forever.

By the way, I have never read any of the books. They may be awesome. If so, then the author should be furious about what has been done to his work.

I have three regrets concerning this movie:

I went to see it.
After approximately 30 minutes, I considered walking out... but I stayed.
I didn't write this review sooner. (I will feel terrible if I could have prevented anyone from wasting their time on this raging dumpster fire.)

I don't even know where to begin with how much I hated this movie. Let's start with the title.

The movie is called Red Sparrow. However, it should have been called:

Watch Unpleasant Things Happen to Jennifer Lawrence for 139 Minutes.

This movie would be great if you ~~hate~~ despise Jennifer Lawrence. I don't mean just dislike her or you are annoyed by her, you must loathe the very sight of her. In order to provide some perspective, I can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow. My favorite scene involving her is when her head is in the box at the end of Seven. (I truly think it was her finest work.) That being said, I wouldn't even want to see Gwyneth suffer through what Jennifer Lawrence's character endured.

I actually like Jennifer Lawrence. I don't want to watch horrible things happen to her. Except her "science oven" catching on fire. That was hilarious.

That is basically what this movie is: unpleasant things happening to characters. It is a spy movie with no real mystery to solve. There is no suspense. There is no intrigue. Although they do try to slap on a twist at the end, it was so obvious that it had absolutely no impact on me or anyone else in the half empty theater. I think every member of the audience figured out the "twist' twenty minutes into the movie.

Instead of entertaining the audience with an interesting spy story or even cool action sequences, the creators of the film relied on graphic violence and sex. Both of which were incredibly unpleasant to watch. I do have to give the writers and directors a little credit for pulling off what I always thought would be impossible... they made me want to look away from a naked Jennifer Lawrence. Aside from one attempt at a "romantic" scene, the majority of the time, characters are either hurting or attempting to hurt Lawrence's character.

There is actually one scene that got my heart pounding for a moment. Jennifer Lawrence must hurry to open a drawer but it won't open. I'm not kidding. The one and only exciting scene in the entire movie involves the elite ballerina/spy's inability to open a drawer. (I won't spoil it by letting you know if the drawer opens or not.)

What is especially odd is that I believe the movie may have been attempting to be a love story. I wonder who exactly the creative team behind this turd thought would be the audience. I don't think there is a very large demographic of people who like unpleasant graphic violence mixed with romance. I'm pretty sure that market is already cornered by Fifty Shades of Grey.

Jennifer Lawrence's character isn't the only person that I feel bad for. You know who else I feel bad for? Real spies.

Red Sparrow is an insult to every real spy who has ever lived!

I don't know who is in charge of the International Spy Union (of course I don't, they are spies they aren't going to allow that information to go public) but whoever it is needs to organize a boycott of this insult to covert operatives... and anyone with a brain.

The entire premise of this movie is so absurd (and insulting to real spies) that it made it impossible to take seriously. Jennifer Lawrence plays an elite Russian ballerina named Dominika Egorova. Dominika lives with her mother who is suffering from some unexplained ailment that requires round-the-clock care. As the sole bread winner (who appears to be paid by the government rather than the theater), the ballerina needs to support herself and her mother while paying for the expensive medical care.

One night while performing, she very graphically suffers a horribly broken leg. She will never dance again. (Can we have a moment of silence for her dancing career?... Thank you very much). Because the Russian government is a horrible monster (more on this later) Dominika is in danger of losing her apartment and her mother's medical care. So of course, her only choice is to become an elite spy and assassin.

She is obviously very smart, young, gorgeous, and famous... yet she can find no other way to earn money? Ok I get that the Russians are monsters who would never allow her to get a job using her obviously brilliant brain (more on this later) but don't they have waitresses in Russia? How about housekeepers? Or even strippers? You don't think some rich guy would pay for a gorgeous, famous ballerina to be seen having dinner with him?

I guess not.

But spies? Oh yeah! By far the most accessible career path for an ex-ballerina is elite spy.

Here is where the horrible insult comes. She seems to become an elite spy in about two weeks.

Apparently the training to become a ballerina perfectly translates to spying. Even though everyone else in her program has gone through extensive military training, Dominika "graduates" early and is placed into the field to solve the Russian government's biggest problem (aside from being monsters... more on this later).

Even Boris and Natasha should be furious at these writers.

I am pretty sure that was the moment when every real spy in the audience did a spit take and stormed out of the theater. Of course I can't be sure because they are spies and no one could see them. However, I'm pretty sure the 30 spies in the theater used their ballerina training to sneak out of the theater completely undetected.

Perhaps there is someone out there who can look past the ludicrous idea that a ballerina could become an elite operative in less than a month, but its not me... or anyone else in the theater. On the way out, several people were all laughing at that huge flaw.

As soon as she was sent into the field, I should have followed the spies' lead and left the theater. Sadly, I couldn't see them so I remained there... like an idiot.

I have heard through the grapevine that the Spy Union is actually picketing theaters (and rightfully so). If you see someone outside the theater in a trench-coat, or a very sexy woman who is way overdressed for a movie theater, or a guy/lady with an earpiece, or someone disguised as a mailbox, these are all spies who are protesting. Please wink at them and say "John has a long mustache" in support of their cause. Then go see anything else.

This scene infuriated me... in 1984. Keep your commy hands off my meat like product!

Now on to those Russian monsters. Every Russian person should join the spies (good luck finding them) in boycotting this movie. I have not seen a more laughably over-the-top portrayal of Russians as evil since the 1980s. I seriously would not have been surprised if they showed Ivan Drago and his corrupt management team as the leaders of the government. At one point I thought there might be an intermission during which the theater would show us a Duck and Cover film from the 1950s warning us of the impending attack by the evil Communist aggressors. Either this movie was purposely intended to be anti-Russian propaganda or the writers and director were freaking morons. Actually, I suspect it is both.

Perhaps I would have enjoyed this movie if it were released in 1984. First, the Cold War was still in full swing so the ridiculous, cartoonish, evil Russians would have made sense. Second, I would have been 13 years old so I would have been thrilled to see Jennifer Lawrence naked. Third, I would have been a teenager and teenagers are stupid (except for @hotrod). Fourth the use of a 3.5 inch floppy disk to store vital intelligence would have made sense.

As if wasting two and a half hours on this movie wasn't bad enough, when I returned home, I had to look up in what year the movie was set. Although the characters used smart phones, the "climax" of the movie centers around stolen intelligence stored on 3.5 inch floppy disks.

Since most people reading this have never seen these relics, these are "floppy disks". You should not store top secret information on these.

To my horror, the movie is supposed to be set in 2013 at the very earliest.

So I just watched a movie set in 2013 in which elite covert operatives store their most sensitive and valuable data on 3.5 inch floppy disks.

And you just read a review of a movie set in 2013 in which elite covert operatives store their most sensitive and valuable data on 3.5 inch floppy disks.

I'm sorry.

Geeky Dad's Movie Guide

Number of times anyone should see this movie: 0

Images 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7

#funny #entertainment #movies #steemnews

7 years ago in #movie-review by hanshotfirst (76)

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danielhime (58) 7 years ago

That was a scary funny post. Scared me away from seeing it. I just read Jennifer is attending Red Sparrow promo events inebriated. Even she can't handle the mess of this movie. Wonder how many millions she made...ain't life ridiculous?

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meritigbunu (49) 7 years ago

Thanks for informing me about this movie before time

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hanshotfirst (76) 7 years ago

I felt it was my duty. ;)

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