There's a story I've been meaning to tell, I was just waiting for the right time and I think that time is now.
If you've read my Intro post, you know that I am a survivor of much trauma which includes PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) brought on by childhood trauma and military sexual trauma.
I am a veteran if the U.S. Military so was able to seek help through the V.A., but that was just the beginning of my healing process. It was there that I gained the knowledge of the power of mindful meditation. All of the sudden I was becoming self aware. I was able to process some of the darkness, and still had a long way to go.
Due to some chaos in my life, I couldn't push my self to consistently make it to my therapy sessions. I kept pushing my mental health aside and kept repeating the same cycles of depression until one day, I noticed my friend on Facebook, an old Navy buddy, Kelvin,(@Rodeo670) stood out amongst my friends. So I kept my eye on him and eventually reached out about this community he boasts of. He was going through a pretty rough patch at the moment but every time he mentioned steemit and @minnowsupport, his mood would change. I wanted a piece of that happy pie. And that's when I joined steemit. Which was cool, I thought "hmm, so facebook, but with crypto? Let's see where this goes." Steemit on its own was alright but soon enough I was back to my old routine of putting hearts on all of my friends and family's posts on FB. Eventually, I listened to Kelvin and checked out P.A.L.(Peace. Abundance. Liberty), a server on discord. I just remember Kelvin's text, "Let's get you some friends!" Not something I've actively done in a long time( social anxiety)...
So there I was, trying something new. There was something about registering but I told myself "Meh, dive in." First in the shallow end, much like when I wwnt go to the beach as a kid, just dipped my toe in, so to speak. Then I clicked over to the deepend and boom, it was alive with chatter. This strange nostalgia hit, I was back in my old chatroom days just being a fly on the wall, people watching. Then I just played verbal "Double Dutch", looking for windows to crack jokes, an old past time of mine. I loved having inside jokes and seeing all the LOLs and positive Emojis flying! This is where I met the people who soon made MSP much more than upvotes, resteems, and follows, it felt more like a home I never knew, I always wanted.
I can't remember specific days but there was a time in between where my dark days seemed to consume my whole life. I had just finished yelling at the one person who never left my side...just like usual me,right? No. This time I knew something wasn't right... Maybe it was all those conversations with @clayboyn that gave me these thoughts...It was almost like foresight, I knew if I ignored this pattern of behavior I'd end up dead. I knew what I needed to do, something told me. Like a voice in the back of my head.
"Reach out"
Where once, I felt like I had no one, this time I had P.A.L.! I started thinking of all the warm feelings I had Joking around with @kristyyd, @clayboyn, @bigdizzle, @men0s, and much more.
Still shaking and holding my phone and a Veterans crisis hotline magnet I pulled from my fridge, I sat in the bathroom, crying until I could barely see the screen. I searched for a mental health channel to no avail, then stared at the recovery and addiction channel. Something lit up in my mind and I just poured my heart out to a complete stranger, @sostrin. I finally told someone my deep dark secret, I'm suicidal. I can't recall our conversation word for word but by the end of it, what matters is I was able to ground myself. I told him I'm still shaking, and he mentioned we we're having a normal conversation. Then I felt a release. A weight was lifted from my chest, my throat stopped tensing up. I was okay, for the moment. But from that point on, my life began to shift. I believe that moment in time, changed my mindset. All of the sudden I was asking the right questions.
I was paying attention to the right things.
π
Several days later I go on P.A.L.( MSP waves became a part of my daily routine.) And stumble in on a conversation in the Deepend channel. My (now) friend, Lion, was telling someone how his friend had depression and could not leave his house. I quickly chimed in, "same, it's hard to leave my house." From there, That created an important conversation about the darkness plaguing me. Where normally I'd be searching for helpful articles, help came knocking on my door(metaphorically)... After feeling emotionally drained, I fell asleep and it seemed overnight, my depression that had been plaguing me for years, did not win. My heart, my mind, was filled with clarity. Positivity continued to manifest itself online and real life. I was able to take my kids to the park and just enjoy a beautiful day, outside, with the sun beaming down and life just felt so new. I have the day memorialized in a post! Symphony in the color Gold β
If you follow me on steemit you can see a completely different Stace. I started out writing poems of my trauma and lucid dreams, to making an ode to the sun! Yes, this fight with darkness might be some lifelong journey, I'm willing to accept that, but after experiencing this kind of breakthrough, I am never going back.
I'm pretty sure no one I talked to was a psychologist, or any kind of PhD, but that doesn't matter. That's when I saw the power of friendship, true friendship. You don't have to have a PhD to be kind, and to treat others the way you wish to be treated. And just like that, I grew. π
Special Thanks to:
@aggroed : Without you, there wouldn't be this golden community.
@rodeo670 : for bringing me to this community and helping me grow.
@crimsonclad : for everything that you do, guiding Everyone on P.A.L. to where they can thrive. And delivering metal in full force!
@clayboyn : for speaking to my soul and igniting the poet in me. Inspiring me to grow as a poet and an awoken being.
https://steemit.com/music/@isaria/hi-here-s-an-original-song-called-drive
@isaria : for reading my poetry and allowing my words to come alive with every breath.
@Lion : for helping me in building my armor simply by asking my darkness why it's here, what's it's purpose. Igniting the courage I desperately seeked so I can face my demons.
https://steemit.com/thedancingdreamers/@rodeo670/the-dancing-dreamers-meet-donna-charlie-india-s-rising-edm-star
@Donnacharlie : for being a ray of light through your voice.
https://steemit.com/msp-waves/@ma1neevent/ma1neevent-interviews-show-recap-11-8-17-live-voice-chats-with-steemit-users
@Ma1nevent and @snekky : for having me on your show on MSP waves
https://steemit.com/@ellievallie
@Valentine : for being a strong woman who empowers other women.
@imp.unity : for spreading knowledge, love, and light.
These are just a few of many quality human beings I've met on P.A.L., and have gotten to know on steemit. There's so much more people who have truly touched my heart to where my heart has been full. π
πThank you π
Thanks for being part of the community. You never realize the impact one person can make. Then you form a group and pray the impact is equally felt. So glad to have you and to hear your story only inspires us to keep at it! You are a blessing!
Welcome home.
Thank you fam! Was so inspired when you made your post. I let go of the fear of letting people know my story. β₯
Our family here has that effect on people.
It's stories like this that keep me going. It's a ton of work building a different community and teaching a different way of life, path of success, and definition of place. The world doesn't have to be the shitty violent, abusive, scarce, spynet. We are the creators and can build something so much different.
Welcome to the Fam stace. Work on lessening the language that you use to describe your trauma first and foremost to yourself and then focus on giving yourself the right to be peaceful with yourself and in your skin.
When you got that down let's get to work. There's a world to change and it's only going to happen person by person, and healing trauma and pain and finding a different path from there.
You're loved and an inspiration. You can only be courageous when scared and you're doing it now. I'm very impressed and proud. On top of that you're an eloquent story teller and I'm personally touched by your sharing.
Thanks for being here and I'm looking forward to watching all you can create and build.
I think this too~
You can't change the world, but you can change people around you.... But the first person anyone should change is themselves, for better!!
I was in the R/A channel with you that night, and the strength (yes, strength) that I watched come over you as you worked through that scary, debilitating place that you were stuck in was incredible. Never forget that in all this, you have opened yourself to both good, bad, β and sometimes kind of hilariously strange β interactions in the pond, and you have grown with them and around them and through them and in spite of them.
Everyone needs help now and again, or feels like life has dulled them, but in the last week or two, I have seen the brighter shine that you are emitting. So for that, I thank everyone you've mentioned and more, from the bottom of my heart... but also tell you that I am proud of and humbled by this strength you are rediscovering in yourself. However you find it and express it, it is yours, and a part of you. Your willingness to share it with others, despite feeling unachored yourself at times, is a true expression of faith and love without expectation.
Kindness costs nothing, and you are worth everything.
Thank you. The brighter stars do shine from our hearts.
One love.
Beep! Beep! This humvee will be patrolling by and assisting new veterans, retirees, and military members here on Steem. @shadow3scalpel will help by upvoting posts from a list of members maintained by @chairborne and responding to any questions replied to this comment.
Infinite gratitude to my vet network of support β₯β₯β₯π
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My door, or DM's are always open if you need a chat :)
I've found MSP and PAL to be something i look forward to most days now. lots of wonderful people there. even disco who wants to kick me out most the time ;) @discordiant
I only consider it maybe 2-3 times a week. Usually it passes without incident too.
Really though, I wouldn't actually kick you just for making me work harder. It's much more fun to torture you while your there. :)
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Now you go well It is good for u @staceyjean
Heartfelt and emotional, well im glad you are finally an overcomer
We are happy to have you with us Human :]
Very inspirational post! I hope to dig out of my hole someday as well. I joined MSP this week because of an invite from @rodeo670 . They are a great group of people and were very welcoming. It seems like an invaluable tool to all the noobs like myself that are just starting out on steemit. I'm glad the sun is shining on you now and that you have turned the corner to a happier life. (P.S. I like the metal too \m/)
What an incredible post π±
Thank you for sharing your experience with us! I always talk about letting your mind prosses the information and it was a really brave decision to make this post about your life. And I bet that now you feel really good after making this post!! π
I must say reading this made some emotions float haha
I am so happy that I had any positive effect on you and I'm really happy meeting such empathetic person like you. Really glad to be in MSP, you can always count on me if you need a listening ear or someone to shine some light onto the darkness β₯
It's really funny btw, you mentioned me by my discord name (@Lion) but I still stumbled upon your post accidentally!
Big hugs! Resteemed
life is very enjoyable moment
Sweet <3
Agreed. Reach out. Talk about it. Together we stand. Divided, we fall.
Read most of your post... it's interesting and I felt related as I also have a dark side and find it hard to leave home (but I do)... Still, the internet is my home and I met great people on steemit. (some were/are members of MSP)... I don't speak a lot in P.A.L discord so I don't think I spoke with you.
But I'm a member of Writer's Block (just a member though)... who were based on MSP but got their own Discord when
theywe became big enough.I won't say don't be sad, when you're sad.... Sadness is part of life and you better let it take it's time. But don't be suicidal!! One day you'll be happy for everything even your most sad times.... you won't feel that way if you died.
Oh wow π You beautiful are one of the most lovely souls I have ever met. Thank you for coming in and being amazing ALL OF THE TIME! You make me laugh and I love having fun with you in there ππ€ you are truly a hero in many ways including to me and having the courage to come out and speak your mind. I look forward to more crazy silly talks π And never forget this gal thinks you're pretty kick ass! PS - your princess is absolutely beautiful π
Wow what an honest and heartfelt story, I'm so glad you found us Stacey β€οΈ
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You are beautiful!
I felt brightness in you from the moment I first talked to you, and reading about your journey is incredibly inspirational.
I'm really grateful that I met you!
π
What a way to open up about so many things that you've learned to heal. Truly a testament to your spirit and the love in your heart. I'm so happy that you found this wonderful community and that all of that support and care was mirrored to you.
It's so nice to meet you. I look forward to learning more about you when we do our interview together!
nice post
i am following & please follow me
@osman28