I can't imagine what you are going through. I don't blame you one bit for not being able to take the time to post (but it does let me know you are still there). I know it can be physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.
I'm so sorry about that nightmare. I'm sure I'd be the same way. You are brave. Being brave doesn't mean you have no fear, it just means you keep going anyway.
We humans need each other, physically. We can pick each other up when the other falls (physically, emotionally, or mentally). We can cry with each other. We can hug to let the other person know that while we may not know what they are going through, we care.
While I'm not there to physically help you, I wish I could give you a big hug to let you know that I do care.
Thank you...