Day 113.
Sometimes I ask myself - is my life really going on? Do I feel like keep on living? And how long can I live like this? Or can I change my life somehow, can I ... should I? I've never shared so much about myself as in these 113 days, on the other hand, that's why it's a diary...
Now is a good time to say to all you, who supported me during this time, and keep supporting -
I am graceful. ❤️
I am so thankful to you for your care and your indifference to me. For your big and small donations. For words that are more precious than gold. I will never forget what you did for me. You know, I have a good memory, so far, hehe.
And so I also want to say -
Please, forgive me. 💔
I am sorry for not being a such a good friend to you as you are to me. I wish I could be more active on Hive, more engaged, learn new things, check your blogs every day and remember your stories, and write more good comments.
As long as I have money to live on and there are no critical needs, I will not do power down. I want to remain a useful member of the community, a modest curator whose vote add a small reward to others. But I wish I could do more for you. And I believe that this day will come, but I do not know how soon.
I also must admit that
I was wrong. 😞
And you were wrong too. I'm talking about weakness. You were mistaken when you said that I was brave and strong. And I was also wrong when I said that I got used to it, and that living in Kyiv is no longer scary, well almost.
I don't know what exactly broke me and why it happened after 3 months of war, but it happened. Everything that I kept in myself for so long, because I wanted to be a good example and support for my loved once, all this is now breaking out. I weep every day when there is no occasion or reason for it. I scare people, and it's even a little funny.
A nightmare.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I had a nightmare about the war. Not a dream, but a nightmare. I just started to fall asleep, and it's such a fine line between reality and dream, and that made it seem even more real. It was very quick. I heard the sound of a falling rocket and shouted to Nick - on the floor! And fell off the bed to the floor, face down, legs crossed, toward windows. I saw an SMS from Natalie on the screen of the phone that I held in my hand, - "Did it hurt you??!!!" The next moment I heard an explosion and then air raid alert, and a thought flashed: again, as in the very first days, first an explosion, and then an air raid alert. And next thing I realized - the air raid alert is real, but only it, because I'm lying in bed, not on the floor.
I was surprised at how much I was scared. I haven't been this scared in a very long time. I couldn't sleep anymore that night, and for the second day now I hear false sounds from time to time - either a flying missile, or an explosion. I am a little ashamed of this fear, but now I know how people feel who have left their homes and fled from the war to other countries.
I also know that I won't be able to live there, I won't be able to leave my husband and family. But sometimes I feel trapped.😨
We are all tired. We all want to return. But first we must end this war. Until then, we can't distance ourselves or forget. There are so many people who feel much worse than me, and who are doing a lot more than me for victory. That's why I'll buy a sedative at the pharmacy, or a bottle of cheap wine, weep for a week, maybe I'll even scream. And then I'll be myself again.
So don't worry my dear when I'm silent. And don't dare feel bad for me. I just need a little more time to get back to you.
Love you,
P.S. now I need to press the Publish button until I press Discard.
Привіт. Радий, що ти натисла правильну кнопку. Це дало мені змогу прочитати твої переживання.
Зважаючи на досвід та не бажання брехати, не буду писати, що все пройде за "ну максимум 2-3 тижні".
У Вашому випадку, на мою думку, доки не закінчиться війна про видужання думати передчасно.
Зато, знаю що може допомогти зменшити хвилювання (тривогу) та покращити ваше самопочуття.
І на кінець, повторіть будь-ласка свій телеграм. Я Вам маякну. Щоб на крайній випадок, у Вас завжди "була можливість" поділиться подібним самоаналізом, перед тим як натиснути кнопку "відхилити". з людиною, яка може допомогти...
Не знаю, чи це була правильна кнопка. Я стільки чорновиків уже видалила, сиільки всього написала в порожнечу... Було таке відчуття, що якщо і це не запощу, то просто здамся. Я ще не готова здатись, хоча не дуже розумію, куди приведуть ці зрушення свідомості.
Від новин не вийде повністю відмежуватись, бо ж і чоловік, і друзі. Але в мене нема відчуття стресу, чи тривоги. Просто не хочеться нічого, взагалі, і нічого не радує. Я дуже шкодую, що не можу змінити характер, зараз це так би пригодилось.
Перед тим, як я і цей коментар кансельну, @zirochka_ua
First of all, Hive is not going anywhere and you are already our dearest within this community so do not think about it too much... We are always here for you.
I think it's okay to feel scared, it's not weakness. We are human and have emotions, it's been over 3 months since you have been dealing with this horrible war situation. I used to see nightmares a lot even for a while I used to forget where I was. Your words just broke my heart, I wish I could do something for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you...
It's okay to feel broken because I feel broken sometimes but remember, we are all strong and these bad days will pass away very soon...We will have a gorgeous future...
Thank you darling. I have to deal with this situation on my own. We are strong ...
I can't imagine what you are going through. I don't blame you one bit for not being able to take the time to post (but it does let me know you are still there). I know it can be physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.
I'm so sorry about that nightmare. I'm sure I'd be the same way. You are brave. Being brave doesn't mean you have no fear, it just means you keep going anyway.
We humans need each other, physically. We can pick each other up when the other falls (physically, emotionally, or mentally). We can cry with each other. We can hug to let the other person know that while we may not know what they are going through, we care.
While I'm not there to physically help you, I wish I could give you a big hug to let you know that I do care.
Thank you...
Oh God! It's heartbreaking to read your lines, but it has been expected. You have been holding strong in front of us (most likely crying a lot alone). You are a human being and what you've been through it would be a lot for anyone. It's normal to go through these phases, so don't apologize.
You're an example to all of us, how you've been holding up and what you've been doing for others to help survive. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Cry if you have to, if it makes you feel better as you can't keep it in yourself forever. Get it out of your body and then you'll have time to put yourself together again.
We're here as always, even if we're on and off as life is going on. Don't lose hope as this madness can't last forever. Love and hugs! 🤗♥️
Actually, I did not cry for a long while, I didn't want to. Lately, it was like ... tears, I wipe them away and it's all, keep moving. But now I weep violently, cannot stop it, in public transport or at doctor's appointment, and I don't feel better. That doesn't sounds like me and upsets me so much 😖
Give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself.
!luv
@erikah, @zirochka(1/1) sent you LUV.
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I am so grateful that I was born in Austria in 1987 and could live for more than 30 years now here in a peaceful country. But in terms of human existance the first and the second world war are only 77 and 104 years in the past and Austria was involved in starting both of these wars. Both my granddads fought in the second world war luckily got cought as Prisoners of War by the Americans and could return to Austria after the war. Both my granddads didn't tell a lot about the war but when they did it was always terrible and something they would not wish anybody to experience.
One thing I can remember very well was how excited my granddad was when Austria joined the European Union and when the Euro was introduced December 2001 / January 2002. He gifted me the "Euro Starter Package" wich contained all the new Euro Coins. He cried because for him this was a message that there will not be any war again in Europe. He also gifted me a book he wrote about his live and eventhough compared to his livespan (90 years, but when he wrote this book he was 70) war is one of the biggest chapters in the book. Maybe I will read it, but now I am a little bit build a little too much by the water and probably would cry to much. One thing I can remember when I flicked through the book was that according to my grandfather war always feels like "Waiting".
Waiting for the bad things to end, waiting for new orders, waiting for food, waiting for the day to end, waiting for a time to go to toilet, waiting for news, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting........... and this waiting is slowly killing your mind.
Sorry for this long text but I had to write it. Hope good times will come sooner than later and wish you all the best. Best greetings from Austria.
I highly appreciate your "long text"! Your grandfather was a wise man. His life made him wise. In my opinion, a person who has survived the war will never want to go through it. It doesn't matter if he is on the side of the losers or the winners. The time will come when you will be ready to read his book. But I can say that he very accurately described the war as waiting. This is what my life is, every hour and every day is waiting.
Thank you ❤️
Привіт дорога @zirochka
Я вас розумію. Я пережив багато подій у своєму житті, і я впізнаю почуття та емоції, які ви описуєте.
Я також іноді відчуваю провину за те, що не спілкуюся більше з вами, що не коментую ваші дописи, хоча ми разом працюємо над цим чудовим проектом NFT for Peace.
Я хотів би більше спілкуватися, підтримати, підбадьорити або просто зазначити, що читаю ваші дописи з великим задоволенням і повагою, що у вас є уважний слух, щоб вас слухати.
Моя сором'язливість і те, що я люблю працювати в тіні, а не в центрі уваги, напевно, одна з причин. Але, безсумнівно, ці крихкості, які ми поділяємо, створюють нашу людяність. І це наше найдорожче надбання на даний момент.
Сміливість... Привітайся з Ніком за мене.
Наше життя таке коротке, його не можна відкладати на потім, його треба наповнювати подіями, зустрічами, хорошими словами і справами. Я так довго відкладала життя, що мені здавалось, що я пропустила все хороше, що може бути. А потім намагалась наздогнати, надолужити. І тепер от знову - я просто чекаю, моє життя завмерло, і я не можу цього змінити... Навіть не так, життя не завмерло, воно продовжується десь там, це я завмерла.
Дякую Вам за хороший коментар, і за те, що ви просто є собою. Нік переказує вітання. 💙💛
Ох, як все до болю знайоме ((
А ще оте - картати себе: а чи достатньо сьогодні зроблено, ні - могла більше/ чи вже не могла, ресурс -- і привіт - біль, страхи, розпач та безсилля!
Просто обіймаю! Хай вищі сили дивом дивним дадуть джерело наповнення хоч по маленькій краплинці!
the whole world thinks your brave people protecting your country <3 I hope this war is over soon sending love from the U.S. to all the people of the Ukraine.
Thanks to you and all American people 💙💛
yes ma'am prayed for you and the family!
Thank you
You definitely don't have to be strong and brave all the time. It's also good to let your emotions out and have a damn good cry. I'm so sorry you are still having to go through all of this. ❤
XXO
You are brave, so you are sharing this post. War breaks people emotionally and physically. This is a thought-provoking article, everyone should hate war.
Fully agree with you. Thanks
Don’t worry @zirocha we so understand. You don’t need to be strong and brave all the time. Even though we see you like that. It is just all the build up from the days.
Let it all out… it needed to come out.
We will be here when you return. Just take care of yourself…
We can’t imagine what you are going through but we are here.
Bigggg hugggg 🤗🤗🤗
I can only wish you the best, I have no idea how you feeling, the pains and horror.
Times change the question remains when.
When?
Grace remain with you...
This is the main question for all of us - WHEN...
Always the main question at every point in our lives.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through and feel so powerless for not being able to help more. And it’s absolutely normal to break down at some point considering the horrific Invasion Ukraine is living, that doesn’t mean you are not strong! You are strong and will survive this!
Will survive this. Thank you XXX
Sometimes we're tested not to show our weakness , but to discover our strengths... Sending lots of love and hugs❤️💕
Sorry, out of BEER, please retry later...
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STOPMy dear, I truly understand what you're going through, the wonder, the longing, the constant nightmares that remind you of the hard times. But, something that you do need to remember is that, there's always a new day tomorrow, you wake up after your nightmare in the morning, and have a new chance to make those feelings worth it, like this, inspiring other people. Warm hugs for you and your loved ones.
!luv
@luisanapam, @zirochka(1/1) sent you LUV.
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so sorry for what you and everyone there is going through! Wish it would just end!
Me too, but it cannot just end, everything has gone too far 😔
Que alegría verte mejor, tu rostro muestra más tranquilidad. Un abrazo
🤗
You know, @zirochka I just finished to read your post, I've been doing it since a while... I found what you doing, simply fantastic. I mean what I just saying right now. Your strength, bravery and of course, humanity has no boundaries. I wrote a post about the origins of this conflict. If you wanna go and take a look, it will be just nice. Keep strong, keep your faith and remember, we are all with the ukrainian people!
Thank you, my friend.
I will check your post, hopefully tomorrow
Whether you are weak, or strong, we love you.
Whether you are scared, or brave, we love you.
You only have to be yourself. We still love you.
!LUV
!BEER
@thekittygirl, @zirochka(1/1) sent you LUV.
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