This is a series of small writing essays portraying some of the most goddamned painful things that can occur in the life of man. Composed by @crushedpenis
3:
You have some of the most interesting, comfortable and enjoyable times you've ever experienced in your life; you've finally reached a higher state of human existence, however you just make the mistake of asking "can it get any better than this?". Nope, it can't, and the next day all your assets are frozen, your bank account can't process foregin ATM withdrawals, all your friends leave you, your booy calls block you on Facebook and you feel like a hobo, and you the next 6 years of your life in an Orthodox church in a post-Soviet country sleeping on the floor while the 80-year old maintenance ladies keep destroying your sleep schedule, screaming at you to take your hat off, even though your nipples froze shut a month ago.
2:
You build up yourself for a good 7 months through hard work, mental discipline and strong routine. The girl of your dreams just mentioned your city in a Facebook post; she's gonna travel there! You get so excited about the news you throw your super fit body onto your road bike, put on your favorite song on the iPad, push off with a kick and start moving down the street. The climax of your oh-so non-mainstream song draw near, and you focus on not turning into a pile of mush because of the fine notes played by some of the best musicians known to man. As all of this happens, you don't notice the train coming your way as your bike is about to cross the train tracks. The train car hits your lower back and you bounce off the bike, hit your head in the sand, land on your butt. 9 seperate disc herniations, both arms broken in 4 places, feet torn to pieces and a chronic headache induced by head trauma. Like icing on the cake, you also pooped your pants.
The doctors say there's no way you'll be able to live a normal life for a very long time. The next 2,5 years of your life consist of nothing but day-to-day physical rehab, psychological suffering you've ever tasted in your life. All your muscle gains are gone, you feel like a hobo, and you hear a notification from your phone: You pick it up, and it's a message from her: "Hey! Wanna grab a bite to eat? ;)" *You die*
1:
You've masturbated to a girl you've been talking to on the Internet for a good two months now. You talk every day, you wank everyday, and the cum loads fly high. Then, one day out of the blue, she posts a picture of another man grabbing her sweaty (she just finished working out, of course) close-to-perfect butt cheeks, and the loads of pure cum she has built up inside of your cumload factory for a good quarter of a year turn to ashes, your dick says "goodnight" forever, you jump out from a 15-story-building window and life is over.
Stay tuned for Volume: 3!
yours,
-crushedpenis
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