Have you ever felt completely drained?
The last two days have been difficult for me to find any kind of motivation but instead of being in the debilitating "dark place" I realize that I feel kind of adrift in the gray spaces of in-between.
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Functional but not 100%.
Tired by cannot sleep.
Calm exterior and torn up on the inside.
I'm not going to give you all the in-betweens because it's life and adulting sucks sometimes!
So does the feeling of hurry up and wait.
There are too many things on too many fronts in the present position of "hurry up and wait" and frankly, it's flippin' exhausting.
Where is the resolution?
WHEN is it coming?
What happened to the dark place?
Highs and Lows - June 22, 2017
The low
It's a cyclical thing - or at least I think it is - when the dark cloud begins to descend the week leading up to June 22. You see, it's the anniversary of my father's death. This year marks seven years without his voice, his confidence or humor, and quirks that made him unique. He was the template of my life.
From him I learned most of my parenting skills (the do's and don'ts), the importance of being an active listener, to give is more rewarding than to receive, to remain humble and keep one's sense of humor, to love family and nature. I learned that it's okay to follow one's dream as long as the basics are taken care of first.
The high
And just as I was content to spend the day wrapped up in the dark place, my heart leaped with joy seeing a letter from Parris Island, where my youngest son nears the end of Phase I in Marine Corps bootcamp. With the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning, I tore the envelope, my eyes hungry for his written words. And then I barked with unexpected laughter.
Here you go!
Quite the prolific writer, no?
The short and sweet of it is this: It's something my father would have written.
I was reminded of my time in college when it was the first time away from home. My family owned a bar at that time plus I'd been making Harvey Wallbangers for dad from the time I was 5 so liquor was not a mystery nor was it ever off limits. Needless to say, I never went through the wild and free phase of the "college experience." So, on phone calls he'd ask if I had booze in the room (knowing I was still underage) and my answer was always honest. After silence for a heartbeat or two he'd say "Send me some." LOL
What is this gray space?
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As I sit here pouring out these random thoughts I'm wondering what happened to the dark place? Familiar grief, where have you gone? It wasn't that long ago when writing an anecdote about dad required a box of tissue but I'm... okay.
I really hate that phrase, "I'm okay"
I'd almost prefer the dark debilitating place where a goal might be to shower that day if I could get out of bed. Sure that place feels like shit but at least I know what it is. It knocks me down and I'm out for a little bit and then it's over. But this gray place? It's like swimming through mud. I can only surmise that it's some kind of healing. It's foreign and strange and I'm not certain I like it. Maybe that sounds a little crazy?
Follow me on 
Hey @merej99
Hi there I think grey space is a state of mind you can change it by using your tought any time. You should to change this grey stat to a better state. No one want to become grey.
Hope you find yourself blue and white after steemit
I will follow and upvote your grey state.
Follow me at @srek
Best regards
Today feels a little better. That feeling of swimming in mud is not so strong and I'm more awake today. They grey space is losing its grip and fading like mist against sunshine. :)Thank you @srek
Would you consider it as a natural mood cycle? I mean everyone of us goes through depressive state sometimes. Might wanna consider seeing a professional for help. Hope you feel better!
Hang in there, Sweetie...
Tomorrow will be better. :D
😄😇😄
P.S. Your dad sounds really special. I'm glad you got that "glimpse" of him in your son! ;)
Every once in a while it feels like my father manifests himself through me or my kids and in my head I say, "Oh! Hey dad. Thanks for visiting." Today feels better. Thank you @creatr.
The letter from your son was sent to you at the right time. The anniversary of the loss of a loved one is never an easy time. Some people become super depressed when that time of year comes around. That letter was perfect. I can only imagine opening it myself. So unexpected and funny. Sometimes we need that in our life.
I believe that people do live on through generations. I've noticed that my sister is exactly like my Grandmother. It is like her personality was shifted into another body. My sister was born after my Grandmother passed away so they were never able to meet. Although, there was a creepy day in which she kept pointing to the ceiling in the living room and would not look away. My mom asked her what she was pointing at and then she said "Grandma". Maybe she did I wish I knew. She seen pictures of my Grandmother, nothing more than that. Not that I can prove anyways. lol
Well, I really need to go to sleep so I can wake up early and continue to work on my website.
=) I enjoyed your post.
@capitalpink, that is what I just finished doing. Working on my website! Now a little steemit before bed.
Are you using Webflow by chance? I spent about 15 hours watching youtube videos learning how to use Webflow and watched some of their live streams. I was determined to master Webflow because its the best Website builder I have found. You can design pretty much anything. I like that I'm able to design a unique website different from everyone I have ever seen.
I left Wix for Webflow. It was worth it!
Oh wow. I'm using good old Wordpress. I have friends that use Wix and like it, hadn't heard of Webflow.
Webflow allows you to create perfect websites that work on all devices.
i did not like the Wix mobile version, the loading time of Wix websites or the fact that on my google Chrome browser Wix websites do not work properly.. and if it happens to me it will happen to others..
Webflow is perfect in my opinion.. for designing
This is good to know. Thanks for the heads up!
Ooh, I love wordpress but now I'll have to see what webflow is about. Do they have templates to work with? I bought elegant themes because I love working with Divi. I wonder if it's compatible. hmm...
It really did reinforce my belief that the universe gives us what we need when we need it. The energy is always there and because of that I believe your sister saw grandma :) Good luck on finishing your website and thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I'm sorry for your loss, and glad that you can treasure and enjoy the good memories you have of your father.
My father certainly wasn't perfect but I truly believe he did his best. He was one of my best friends and I miss him.
Very nice post. Yes, "I'm okay" really sucks. Thanks for posting :D
"I'm okay" is such a non-answer, right? I realized how terrible that phrase was especially after my father died and I started to own my emotions. If someone cares to ask it's time to give them an honest answer, right? How shocking would that be? And then it begs the question: When you ask how someone's feeling, do you really want to hear the answer or do you expect a non-answer so you can get on with your day? Hmm... That might be my next blog post!
I hate that phase and the phrase "I'm Okay" I always say I'm plodding along instead. I'm glad your son's letter brought a smile to your face. You probably needed that a lot more than some wordy scrolls.
I know when I say "I'm okay" to myself then I'm stuck on the fence and neither side of it seems greener. If these shades of gray are different types of fences then at least I'm not sitting on barbed wire. Maybe today feels like I'm sitting on a large stone wall and I feel like throwing rocks.
Then go outside and throw some rocks lady, Not at your neighbors house obviously. get a big tub and throw rocks in until you fill it.
I went for a walk instead and it felt great to get a little Vitamin D before the thunderstorms begin. :D I had the crazy thought about picking up archery again. LOL
You know the other saying I hate? "This too shall pass". Because yeah, when this is over there'll be something else to worry about!
But it's true, really.
Also you've got a kid in service and all he's asking for is protein bars? That's some seriously good momming you've done there.
It will all look different in the morning.
PS look up what Lloyd means in Welsh - I know about the grey, believe me :)
Yes, wasted words like "This too shall pass" bugs me too. It seems passive aggressive and I just want to say, "shut up and pass me a life line or get out of my way."
I did look up Lloyd and maybe that's one of the reasons we get along so well! LOL HUGS.
It's amazing how life works and you received this letter on a day that is historically tough for you. The cosmic timing brought a smile to my face. I don't know what to say to you about your "gray state", but I'm here to listen and that may be the best thing to do right now...for me to shut up and listen. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Today is a better day. I got some rays before the thunderstorms descend and I'm trying to get my head back into VIVA as I better organize my calendar. I'll ping you Josh's address. He's getting ready to start Phase II - you know what that means, right? Gas chamber. bwa-hahahaaaaa....
He's already in phase 2!!??? Where has the time gone! I am slacking. Get me that address! I am glad you got some sunshine in. That is great on the body and mind.
Coincidentally I am going through a similar situation, but I rise to myself making me remember that I am the pillar of this family, in these situations, I look at my childhood and I see where I left and see where I come, in these things I find the motivation See the way forward and get up and walk.
I am sorry that you are going through this, you are a strong woman and you have overcome great obstacles, I have no doubt that you will find the motivation and you will arrive where you want to arrive, I can only send you much strength and encouragement dear friend @ merej99 !! Do not Decay !!!
I send you a big hug
Thank you @jlufer - you are an amazing friend and your insight really shows that we are kindred spirits. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take the first step. We get through it, don't we? HUGS BACK!
The following all applies to me as well
"Functional but not 100%.
Tired by cannot sleep.
Calm exterior and torn up on the inside."
That letter from your son, simply remarkable!!Wow, you are great @merej99.
His letter was perfectly timed and exactly what I needed. So @mathworksheets - how do we escape the gray? I walked today, kicking a few stones along the way (see comments between @phoenixmaid) and showered to wash away the grime of yesterday. What do you do to get back to 100% ?
For me to get back to 100%, I do connect to the source and cut myself off from the outer world. A little fraction of time is enough to refurbish myself to 100%.
When my son left for university in January I did not know how to handle it. Steemit literally kept me alive. I worked for like 16 hours a day just to keep busy but I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about the situation. Life is just hard sometimes and life is so shit sometimes, but we get through and then it all happens again...life is like a roller coaster all the time. Just hang in there...
The heartbreak of separation from my kids started a few years ago. We're a divorced family and 2 of my boys sat me down one day and basically said they love me but felt they needed to live with dad as they grew into men. That hurt A LOT but I understood their point of view. My hope was to become the voice of conscience in their head - to be loving, giving, helpful, and independent. It was the sign for me to let go and let them make those decisions. You're so right! Life is a roller coaster all the time!
I can definitely relate to the hurry up and wait...it's how I've lived my last two years and it IS exhausting. Hoping for a resolution soon for the both of us! Best wishes.
Cheers to that! I'll take resolution and a few sanity days :)
Sorry I feel like a jerk for asking this... when what you wrote has a lot more importance. But I just have to ask...
When you use phrases like this, it brings more depth and imagery to what you're saying. It's quite a talent, and I know it flows out of you so easily....
I can't help but think you must have been an avid reader prior to being a writer. Would you finish a novel every week or two for a period in your life?
I'm curious.