My dad wasn't there much when I was growing up. He travelled abroad for work, did army things, and was emotionally absent too. Eventually, we patched things up a bit, but it didn't change that part of my life much.
That's why when Frank and I have the kids, I'm always happy for them to have some alone time with their dad. Sometimes I'll do something with one of them to alternate, so that they each get some alone time with Frank.
At the beginning of our relationship, I found myself feeling a bit jealous because I had not known that kind of closeness from a father. I'm super close to my mom, and my maternal grandmother was like a second parent to me, but for some reason, my father lost interest in me and in my brother when we were very young. Me it was when I was 2.
I have healed some of those wounds, but a lot still needs to be healed. As much as I cherish the rare moments I get to see my dad today, I would have liked for him to give more time for me when I was growing up.
It's beautiful to see fathers who love their children and give them their time and energy, tend to their needs, and show them their fatherly affection. It's important to a child's emotional development too.
Neither was mine to be honest. It was in the last few years of his life that I finally felt like I had a dad, and then it was over. Our relationship healed from those early years though and ended well at least. I found a lot of our fathers simply didn't know how to be a dad. Nobody showed them. This is not the case for all, and definitely not an excuse, but a sad reality.
I get what you're saying that they don't know how to be dads. My dad's a workaholic, yet has horrific debts, so he works even more, so he never put in time for us, he was always so focused on his finances.
I think he has a form of PTSD, and since I have CPTSD, I think today, I can forgive some things due to my understanding of the illness. He was in the army, did things that are bound to cause trauma to a person. I wish he would open up more though, he's always so secretive, reserved. Maybe by opening up myself, it can help. I dunno. I'm not trying to save him, but I can better understand today too.
As an aside, I think the baby-boomer generation learnt a lot of things that is contradictory to how millennials feel life should be and it's possible that our generation of parents are stuck in old ways that aren't compatible with our way of being, a more sensitive, open and honest way of being. Not to mention a lot of the brainwashing they received from how society was in the 60's and 70's.
One of the things I've heard about baby boomers is they were one of the first generations of fatherless fathers, because so many of their fathers were in WW2 and either died or came back scarred, unable to cope properly.
I found that opening up to my dad was part of what healed our relationship. Problem is that you assume a lot of risk emotionally when you do that. I've had the support of my wife so I felt able to take that risk, even though it could have easily backfired.
I understand that. I've been able to open up about what I go through with CPTSD because or a narcissist, but I've not been able to reach out to him about his PTSD and what he's seen and lived. Perhaps some day I will get there.