I gaze upon a lamp
cast shadow and question,
“Why do you stalk my steps,
yet flee my approach?”
A response, rare, was offered
in the wordless way shades do,
a fleeting turn to stare at stars
and dream of lightless space.
Confused, I posed anew,
“Why do you brand me aegis,
yet fear my embrace?”
Mute and expressionless,
our gazes met
Then, to absence,
parted way.
What is this blank expanse,
the path of the formless lost,
the forgetfulness of deep sleep
and a discarded lighter.
What is this blank expanse, to me?
Penless pages in torn margins, coffee
left sill-sitting and lapped by candlelight
eyes waiting for my own to rest.
roughest one I've put together so far, lots of frayed strings at the edges and not sure it has space to grow or is more than a scrap, but Day 5! death be not proud ^_^
Written for free-verse poetry maven @d-pend's revolutionary poetry initiative The 100 Day Poetry Challenge [Advanced Group] undertaken for Steemit School where @d-pend will be hosting a daily poetry show at 6 PM GMT.
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You know, after reading Ebb and Flow, and even Sky Burial, I'd like to see you write more poetry that resides within the realm of the day, rather than that which deals with the shadow, or with rot, or the has-beens and never-weres. I think you need to let go of something to write these pieces, but I think they are truer to you, rather than the image of you you carry from days past.
Now, after I'm done with my two-bit character analysis, which is probably not my place to do, and inserting myself into the poem rather than addressing you, directly, let's deal with the poem directly.
I must say I'm not that much of a fan of direct speech in poetry. Maybe in general, but I've noticed that any moment in which you employ this device, and there was a similar use in The End of the Twentieth Century, it somehow doesn't flow. Writing dialogue is hard. Writing dialogue tags, even harder. And I feel it's not a good fit for poetry, and that it is almost a case of telling instead of showing. In poetry, it is the poetry that should convey these messages, almost. To tell us of what was spoken of, rather than literally what was said.
I feel I did not convey why I feel it doesn't work properly, but I feel there's something lacking when that device is employed.
Even third body, "I posed to it anew, asking why it branded me aegis, yet feared my embrace," would work better, you know?
The second stanza has a good flow to it. The penultimate stanza, not so much. Not that all stanzas and poems must flow, but the penultimate one just doesn't. "Lighter" sits there like a jagged piece of bone in the middle of my steak. Never understood those T-bone lovers. It's mostly the final line, but also slightly the "deep sleep", that fits the final line, and the final words within, not as a line you must wake up after.
As to the piece as a whole, it is an interesting one. It lacks that final punch of a clear-cut missive. It is more of a formless wonderment, an expressionist painting. I am not sure this is where you wish to leave it. Which means that some more hints need to be peppered within, and perhaps the last stanza ironed out, or perhaps even an additional one added, such as what the shade plans to do. Though that is probably the single best thing left to the reader's imagination.
And if you want to keep that more half-formed feel, then I think such questions as you ask might be too on the nose. Cut the last line in the penultimate stanza. Add more about the tiredness, of the unformed nature of it all. I feel that is where this poem is actually heading. There is strength in unanswered questions, but perhaps even moreso, when the questions are not asked aloud.
I think I have a foot in two worlds, not just in this, but in many of my experiences that have built the foundation of my identity. sometimes it deceives me and I think I've moved on from one thing or another, but the world always seems to bring me back.
and I spend so much time bothering with the dialog, more than on anything else, and am usually never satisfied. More than anything, I need to spend some more time actively and mindfully reading poems with dialog, which is not something I have sought out enough of.
Yeah, there might be some things I want to salvage from this to write a more pointed piece, I'll take some time with it on the backend of the 100 days, but not a priority, this one. Never quite figured out how to take my outline and make it tangible.
You know, I thought of asking you, since you're so much more widely-read than me when it comes to poetry. Are there any good examples of poems with dialogue you can think of? If so, I'd love it if you shared.
As to the other thing, I don't believe we can truly "move on" past things, so long we remember them. And that is what makes us us. This is also related to why I believe forgiveness is impossible, hue.
I really want both impressionistic and editorial feedback its all important to me > bats eyes ...and no not on my silly haiku :P LOL
So sometimes I read poetry and don’t connect, other times I fairly get it but this got me. I caught myself giggling at a point with the effect you caused in this poem. You are great, don’t stop and my line out of many others i love is
thank you so much, you are far too kind <3
That elusive muse ... sometimes by existing out of clear sight and in the shadows, we uncover some magic with our reaching. A very intelligent and highly effective write.
Yes ... this challenge is a hurried task master, isn't it? I am onto Day 6. I breathe a sigh of relief every time I have a finished poem. I tend to like have my gestate a little before I put it out there for other eyes. Not to worry, this one is nicely polished:)
I always have a flashlight beside my bed and downloaded on my phone. <3
You write absolutely well as always