While I cannot assess the quality of your translation - I can assess the quality of that which has been produced in the English language...
Its a lot better than I thought that I'd come across when clicking on your chosen title. ;c)
Incidentally I'd have chosen to stick with 'Colourless' as title - and avoided self-reproaching words in the title (as they become a permanent part of the link). Let people decide whether they'd attribute the term "poor" to it. :c)
As to the poem itself - I personally enjoyed reading it. It spoke of a kinship - a seeing beyond the surface that humanity as a whole could largely benefit from.
An ability to peer into peoples' thoughts - for as far as they are welcome, of course.
Congrats on your promotion. ^_^
Thank you, @pathforger, for you comment!
I deliberately put the 'exercise in poor translation' up there, even when I may or may not decide to alter the post or something. maybe I should've called it 'an exercise in developing one's writing style'. Still, it is what it is.
I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this post. there will be part two of it, soon.
Thanks again, and have a good one!