The past few weeks were a mighty struggle. What started out as easy patience exercise turned into an outright threat to our next winter opportunity - we found a promising housesit in central Italy! But you know, the van is super rusty and desperately needs some repairs - especially in order to pass the official legal hurdles in Germany.
Fortunately we know a guy. He has always fixed cars of the family, so it came natural to ask him if he could do it. He said yes. We remarked that we didn't have unlimited amounts of time, and he stated "one week of hustle and the car will be ready." And we took his word for it. When things didn't start right away he assured us he would get to her soon. And then the weeks started piling up, as I sat inside the van in a parking lot full of damaged vehicles, waiting day by day whether now would be the moment it would be our van's turn. It wasn't. He had taken her into the workshop two or three times in the first two weeks, but then the van just sat there. Other customers came and went, other cars were finished. A weird situation. To do major chassis work for a friendship price was great... but this also meant patience. A whole lot more than I had anticipated.
As time slipped away I asked more and more for clarifications, for "the new plan", for anything, and I must have gotten about two dozen assurances - roughly one per day - that
- our van would be next up, in the workshop
- he would start working on her in a few hours
- he could get to it early tomorrow
- he had not forgotten about us
- he was sorry but he can't do it today.
- he would do a weekend shift
- she would be ready by such and such
and so on. Saying yes all the time.
I have never gathered so many promises within a span of a few weeks, and wow what a challenge it was to believe in them. None of them were honored. There was always another reason. And a good one, we can totally empathize with his need for customers that actually help him earn a living, and that have way shorter time spans than us. But eventually the pain got too great and we amped up the pressure with a less diplomatic passive stance. We could not wait any longer. And that seems to be fruitful, sadly. Maybe it's just normal in the system to shove and tear to eventually get what you want. But this is how things are done here, even with acquaintances who do you a favor.
What became really apparent through all of this is that a promise can do major damage if it isn't upheld. Especially, a series of promises. Experiences ike this leave a mark. Think of a kid with a dad who constantly promises things he never follows through with. Talk about demoralizing! Will rob you of all optimism and trust tendencies in your young days.
When the next word uttered is preemptively disbelieved by the listener - what a terrible state of affairs it is, what a wonky foundation to build a relationship, business, life, cooperation on together. Eventually you become numb to the reasons, you realize there will always be reasons and that they never REALLY equate to why things aren't done. Ever. Excuses do not get stronger in numbers, they make the excused statement even less valuable. And all future statements.
So what do I take away from this for myself? Do not promise things you are unsure about. Especially do not promise things to make a social situation lighter, more diplomatic or somehow tolerable. The disappointment about the broken promise afterwards is greater and directly proportionate to the resistance I feel to saying no to someone right on the spot. Yes, it may be a disappointment then but it is a clear statement, everybody knows what's what and there is great efficiency in coming back to spiritual center right away. In honoring your own inner compass and gut feeling, at the risk of inconveniencing or even offending someone who is dear to you. Or maybe not even important to you, depends on the pathological degree of artificial diplomacy. Ahahaha.
Saying no to people is an art form, and I feel I am intermediary at the very best. Saying no to strangers is easy now. Saying no to friends, to other acquaintances and family is all the tougher because these people tend to stick around. "No"s get filtered and maybe confused with social norms, the other's expectations, cultural trends. It really is all noise. A no simply means no, first and foremost.
I want friends who can take a no without guilt-tripping me. I want to say what I feel and not have to explain myself.
Oh, and this constant explaining and JUSTIFYING everything... it's almost as bad as overpromising.
Sounds rough but reminds me of having to wait 3 months for a new roof on my first house (in Portugal), back in 2019. Every week I was told that they would start next Monday but they kept delaying it because it might rain ( meanwhile I had already paid 10 thousand Euros. It gave me such stress that I ended up with such severe stomach pain that I needed an IV drip. Although back then I thought that was caused by drinking contaminated water/bacteria ( that's what the 'experts' told me ).
By the way, I had to send a very tough email today, to my twin sister, telling her that I changed my mind about being a witness at her (bureaucratic) marriage ( for paperwork/VISA reasons), as the relationship with her boyfriend of almost 2 years ( and soon to be father of her child ) feels very toxic. It felt super difficult because I have long been a people pleaser/diplomat and she is my twin sister ( and the mother of my amazing niece and nephew ) but @clareartista helped me with taking this important decision, after she met my sister and boyfriend, two days ago, and feeling into it. It sure helps that she has heard me talking about their unhealthy relationship, basically since the two of them got together and man have I tried to talk sense into my sister, to no avail. Let's see what today's email will lead to. No matter what, it felt like the right decision ( and I talked to my mom on the phone about it, earlier today, so fingers crossed.
Sending love and good vibes ❤️🤗
what a glorious example for saying no. seems like a good decision and it may lead to unforeseen gifts to be delivered to all involved. well done <3
@vindiesel1980 does this sound familiar to you?