Up your Game - How To Rule Social Interactions

Many of us like to spend time alone. I happen to find great joy when I immerse myself in my own thoughts. It requires me to eliminate any distraction that would steal from my attention.

Such introverted and social isolating moments allow me to do massive creative work. Whether I'm working on a book, my next blogpost, or simply writing down goals and strategies for the future, I couldn't self-deliver efficiency without intense sensory deprivation.

But I cannot allow myself to fall into the other extremity. We are social creatures. We evolved to live in cooperation. Solitude is good. It allows for introspection. Too much or too little of it is not good though.

I know that there are many people today who spend way too much time alone. Some of them deliberately choose to do so, while others are trapped in isolation due to the nature of what they do. Working on a computer alone in the office is one such example.

These people may find harder a time to bond with others when engaged in conversations or in any other social context.

I think this is normal though. Your social skills, like any other skills for that matter, are enhanced through practice. Spending a lot of time alone keeps you away from such practice. Thus, you lack social skills. What to do?

First of all, it's great to be an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. What we're trying to improve here is the inability of some introverts to bond or show assertiveness when they are in social gatherings.

I'm not going to show you 'hacks' of how to do it. I think there's little real value in this word. But I'm going to uncover a strategy that I found in a book written in the '60s', that is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.

Maxwell 5 - Plan to Disinhibition

Let's assume you're going to an informal gathering, a meet-up group for people interested in off-road cycling. But it could be any type of social interaction - formal or informal.

1. Speak whenever you have something to say

So you're at the meet-up. Ten group members have arrived so far. There are 2 dynamic discussions groups. You are in one of them. One guy does most of the talking. He often goes off-track and the rest of the guys seem disengaged. You think you can add valuable insight to the discussion...

Well, don't just stand there and think! If you feel there's something you'd like to say, just say it. If it doesn't turn out right, you'll have to improvise. Otherwise you'll face embarrassment.

Come on! I really can't believe I have to spit out the obvious. Unless you force yourself to speak up, you're never going to raise your game.

Practice has to start somewhere. And most of us begin at the very bottom. It's uncomfortable. I know. But that's exactly the feeling you need to experience to move up.

That's how you build self-confidence, which is at the root of social dominance. It's like building your muscles by lifting weight. When you do resistance exercise, you break muscle fibers, which get repaired and grow stronger while you rest. That's how you become stronger with each lifting session...

The same goes with social interactions. You break your silence at the risk of being embarrassed. You create precedence and you build momentum. With each social interaction, you speak-up more often. You become better through deliberate practice.

2. Don’t Plan Ahead

This builds on top of the first step. And it's kindof counterintuitive. I have to force myself not to plan because planning is what comes natural to me. It's a habit I've developed since 2010. I always carry my goals with me. I am often driven by the saying:

No wind favors a ship without direction.

So I have to momentarily let go of this ingrained belief. Whenever I have important social encounters coming up, I only summarily visualize how it's going to take place. The details are established on the go.

This type of uncertainty improves my social skills because I have to be always prepared to adapt to the discussion. And, as Maxwell points out, you should act and correct your course as you go along. Holding a rigid plan of action is self-limiting and it can put you in jeopardy.

This is how you disinhibit yourself in a smart way.

3. Stop Engaging in Self-Criticism

Introverts tend to be more anxious, fearful, and self-criticizing compared to less introverted people. Lack of practice and spending too much time inside of the comfort zone (not engaged socially) are often root causes for these negative traits.

I don't say not to analyze your past actions and behaviors. In fact, I encourage you to do so. But when you do it, do know that you are extremely prone to subjectivity. When you look at your past actions and you don't see the good of them, you basically lower your self-confidence. You're downgrading yourself in your own eyes and this may negatively impact your future social interactions.

Analyze your past actions, by all mean. Look at what you did wrong. Look at what you did right. Try being dispassionate and objective. Could you improve what you did wrong? Could you avoid those wrongdoings in your future interactions?

I'm really sure you could. Keep in mind, it takes introversion to engage in such deep analysis. But you're an introvert! And you thrive in such situations. Learn to take advantage of them.

4. Speak Louder than Normal

I said no hacks. But, I'm gonna break my rule. I'll give you one hack. This is probably the most readily available and easily implementable advice that you can immediately put into practice.

According to Maxwell Maltz, introverts and inhibited people are notoriously soft spoken. If this is you, here's what to do...

As you break the silence when you're in a social interaction, try to analyze your voice and standing position in real time. This is proprioception - or how you perceive yourself.

If you notice your proneness towards soft-speaking, gradually increase your voice, speak louder. Don't fall in the other extreme though. Make it naturally and try to make it unnoticeable to the others.

What's your posture? You don't want to be in a low-key position. Your posture and your gestures influence your mood. Don't believe me.

Go into your bathroom. Look into the mirror. Think of a pleasant situation in your life. Smile. Keep your shoulders high. How do you feel?

This is a personality 'hack'. It comes from the outside. It's you influencing your mood. Here's a quick video that can help you:

And here's how you should stand when you feel low:

These quick hacks will most likely increase your proprioception, your self-confidence, as well as how others perceive you.

5. Be Genuine. Tell Others you Like Them

Remember what Dale Carnegie said:

“Praise! And praise specifically!”

It's not enough to say:

'What a great job you did back then!'

This will most likely be perceived as cheap flattery and it will have the opposite effect. It could even be perceived as ass kissing.

You should instead say:

'Jeff, you've outdone yourself. Looking over the reports you did, I can only imagine how much time and effort it took to complete them; especially since you had to parse through the entries all the way back to January.'

When you are this specific, the other person understands that you're not superficial and that you are careful and responsible for every word that comes out of your mouth.

Ending thoughts

These 5 steps that Maxwell provided back in the 60s have been proven extremely efficient for many people, including myself. Why not make them work for you as well?

For one reason, I don't believe in fixed character types: either ENTP, JNTP, blah blah.

I think that personality tests are bullshit.

I believe each of us carry a unique mix of introversion and extroversion.

If you happen to be more introverted than extroverted and you'd like to develop your extroversion through disinhibition, practice the steps above. You could start with #4 since it's readily implementable.

However, you have to go through all the steps for multiple times until you get it right consistently. This is how you create and enforce a new habit. In time and with deliberate practice, you could switch between your introvert and extrovert mode as you switch the on/off of a lightbulb. Remember what Doc Brown said in Back to the Future:

"If you put your mind to it (*and practice deliberately), you can accomplish anything."

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Credits for Images: here and here.

#psychology #practical

Cristi Vlad, Self-Experimenter and Author

I don't believe that introverts are any more inclined to be insecure in social situations than extroverts. The difference is in how they deal with it. Both tend to deal with it from their comfort zone. From my introverted tendency to observe people, I've noticed many an extrovert being loud and obnoxious.

After watching for sometime, I often realize, the person is actually rather insecure and appear to think it is being covered up by being loud and obnoxious. Once I identify what's going on, I tend to ignore the behaviour and to some extent the person. That tends to happen with the introvert who copes by being quiet.

Although, some of those quiet introverts are just very comfortable in their own skin and really see no need to say anything unless they choose to.

I remember observing an individual who was very very quiet and trying to figure a way to help bring the person out of his shell a bit. I stopped that quest the day that he choose to speak up on a subject and did so with great confidence and authority. Was all I could do to not let my jaw drop open.

A certain degree of self-confidence is pretty necessary on both sides of the spectrum.