Do I regret the things I said? Yes, of course, especially words exchanged in the heat of emotions. That's usually because I'm defensive of somethings I hold dear - values, principles or sometimes the plain stupid old ego.
I've been taught long along that when I have nothing better to say, just say nothing at all. That's a constant struggle, and sure needs a big improvement.
But on the other spectrum, do I regret things I wanted to say, but didn't? Actually, I do, more than that other situation, sometimes. It's usually missed opportunities - like telling your loved one you love them, voicing out your principles, defending the defenceless, righting the wrongs.
The trick, I realised in both situations, is knowing the timing. Utter a word too soon, and that leads to damage recovery. Say a word too late, and the ship has sailed, never to turn back.
But do not let the anxiety of learning the right timing stop you from attempting at all, for then the outcome is sure - you will never master the art of timing and articulation. Instead, choose to reflect at the end of each day by asking yourself:
- Were there times today when shutting up would have been a lot better?
- Did I really listen enough before responding, or was I just plain reacting?
- Could I have said it better?
- Were there opportunities that I've missed because I took too long to pick the right words, and what can I do better the next time it happens?
- Is there anyone I need to apologize to?
That last one is important. :)
You don't become wise through inaction. You achieve wisdom through evaluated experiences and holistic observations, usually of yourself.
Mini Motivation is my own daily strategy to inspire myself. Mostly 3 minute reads.
From Motivation, we gain Inspiration. From Inspiration, we achieve Momentum. And the rest, they say, is history.
Hope it helps nudge you a bit too in the right direction.
Oh it did? Let me know in the comments, and of course an upvote would be a nice motivation for me. :)
Stay awesome!
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As usual Mav, great content and I absolutely enjoy reading your inspirational cum educational articles. 👊
Thanks! 👊 back at ya!
I have regretted deeply on things I've said and things I should've said but didn't. I regret deeper on the latter (same as you).
When you said timing, it really struck me. I was, and still a person who cannot catch the time, the right time, or the right atmosphere to say things. I think that's why I get overwhelmed in a new crowd, or situation. I focus on processing and understanding, not speaking. For I fear to say the wrong things and be judged.
Instinctively, I know how to fix this. Daily reflection by asking yourself questions really helps. Reflecting during showers is the best time for me.
Your questions are a good starting guide for us. If there's someone I need to apologize to, I'll do it immediately, right on their face.
But one thing I'm struggling at and I need your advice.
You don't know what to say but you know you need to say something. What would you do?
On your question, it's quite situational. Usually, we're in that situation because someone mourning a death or facing bad news. In those cases, I realised instead of asking questions like "How are you doing?" or "Are you coping well?", instead, just ask "What's one good thing that happened today?", or "Tell me more".
Also, in those situations, we also have to be aware of conversation narcissism, which is where you say things like "I know how you feel," or "When my XXX passed away, I..." Because while the conversation is supposed to be about them, saying those things will shift the focus to yourself.
You can read more about that in this piece by Celeste Headlee. Cheers!
I see, so kinda shift their focus to "positive stuff" (What's one good thing question) and prompt them to talk more instead of talking about yourself. I think conversation narcissism happened when we thought they'll feel better if someone else gone through the same experience, like they're not alone. Or perhaps the listener likes to talk about themselves, coz that's our favourite subject, ourselves.
Good advice, @maverickfoo. I'll do this method and see how it goes.
It's quite easy to fall into the trap of conversation narcissism, because like you said, we want the other party to relate to an example outside of what they are experiencing. I find, occasionally, it could be better to reference a third party's example, so there's no personal interest in it. That's why metaphors and parables work to enlighten other. :)
Yes! Sometimes I'm so used to talking about myself and tend to relate their stories to myself, even though I wanna avoid being a conversation narcissist. This is really a conscious effort.
Third party example, do you mean like, instead of tallking about you and me, we talk about him/her?
Oh no. Third party means someone totally outside the characters in the conversation. It could be someone famous, someone you both mutually know etc.
Truly agrees bro. Me myself always do not know the better way to talk and always receive bad comment about it. till now still learning how to express myself. this is one of the hardest thing to learn.
You'll have to take a chance, because keeping quiet all the time isn't the right thing to do too. Speak up, ask for forgiveness if feelings are hurt, and learn along the way. Have to be "diplomatic" like @danieldoughty, no?
Ya bro.. agreed. This really need to learn from @danieldoughty
I've been following you for some time and really grew fond of your way of thinking.
I love every word on this post, they all got to me. Good write-up. Really motivating, thanks for sharing as this post motivated me and I guess a lot of people who read it.