Depression & Anxiety are each a form of demon all of us have to face at some point, for some people they are a bit more persistent, and when they come hand in hand they can trigger a War in your mind.
I quit management 7 months ago, I was working on average 60 hours a week in a job I had grown to despise, and this also festered a deep hatred for dealing with 'customers'. When you're in any kind of customer service oriented job, as the employee you often become sub-human. Some people feel that it's totally fine to disregard all forms of social interaction etiquette, and that they have the right to tear into your soul and you will just have to put up with it. And they are correct. We do just have to put up with it, hell they even give us training to teach you how to put up with it.
Couple this sad state of affairs with being highly empathic and somewhat open, and largely being in denial of that aspect of your self, and it's easy to fill in the timeline to where I just impulsively handed in my notice and decided that I deserve better than that.
I was never satisfied working. I always intended to become self sufficient, but after this, or after that, or when x, y and z conditions are in place then I'll make a move.
Suddenly with my 30th birthday looming, I wondered where the fuck I had wasted the last 10 years of my life. 10 mostly miserable years working like a maniac for other people, very successfully too. I led one firm from near bankruptcy when I first started there, to needing to employ double the staff 1 year down the line, and again through an almost second crash following Brexit. Granted that was not a single handed effort, but I will give my self credit for directing it that way and initiating the recovery.
When I work, I work bloody hard.
I've not had a single job where I did not progress. I have never been fired, I had not, up until 6 months ago been to a single interview and not landed the job. I am not gloating, just setting the stage.
Fast forward to this morning, that same person was sat in the shower trying to hold back a panic attack, trying to get my god damn shit together to attend an interview in a few hours time. The panel of 4 who interviewed me would have had no suspicion of this, I can guarantee you. It wasn't a fake version of my self, the confident radiating woman who walked into that office, is just another version of me, who had been working tirelessly for years on end. She decided she needed a time-out 7 months ago, & somewhere along the line she fell into the grip of depression and anxiety, whom she had successfully managed to keep leashes on, all be it difficult to control often, for a long time. But she could not steer the reigns anymore, and had grown weak from sheer exhaustion, because I had been ignoring her pleas for help for too long. I could see her struggling but I kept pushing her, and ignored all her warning signs. Image Source
Please, I need you to come out, I know I didn't help you when you needed it, and I am so sorry, but I really really need you to come out today. Finally a door has opened and I can't walk in there with these two idiots i.e depression & anxiety.
She Is stubborn.
As soon as the alarm clock wen't off this morning for my partner to get out of bed and off to work, before I opened my eyes, that few seconds of realising you're awake was like a bulldozer slammed straight into my guts and a long piercing knife went straight through my heart. I couldn't even talk. I pretended I was still asleep, I knew that if I started to talk I would just be hysterical, and my boyfriend would be late for work, he would not leave me in such a state. So I pretended I was still asleep until he left. Once he did, I actually decided I would go back to sleep, I could feel what was lurking, and thought if I went back to sleep and got up just in enough time to have a shower and get ready etc, that the inevitable would not happen. So I set my alarm for 1pm, giving me an hour and a half to make my self presentable.
There was just so much noise going on outside I just got up within half an hour. I had some tea and a cigarette, distracted my self on steemit for a bit, but the pit in my stomach was getting heavier, and I could feel the tears tickling the surface. I managed to offset it a bit, but then it came.
The demons in my mind were fully awake now too, having had all night to gather energy as I slept, here we were, face to face about to engage in battle. They start with the thoughts........you're not good enough, you won't get this, it will be the same as the last interview, you've been out of work too long, do you even think you could handle going back to work right now? Look at you.............
Then the tears came, the shakes set in, the heart got ready to fight thinking there is a predator near by, my mind is going crazy, it's a rapid chain reaction. Now everyone is involved and screaming and shouting at the other one and I am on the sidelines somewhere thinking to my self - shit, we've got an interview in a few hours, how on earth am I going to calm this lot down?
I could tame it all for a few minutes, then another outburst, this went back and forth for about an hour, and I messaged my boyfriend saying that I didn't think I was going to make it out the door at this rate, when the hell did I get so pathetic?
I then just said to my self - Ok, you don't have to go if you really don't want to, but can we just take a shower? Can we just do that first, and if we still feel like this later then we just wont go.
Result!
I managed to get in the shower, had another wave in there which resulted in my sobbing in the corner- the classic movie scene- but I was able to deal with that much easier this time as my responding thought was- yes but we're only having a shower, the interview is not relevant right now. And it was working. After the shower I sat in my bath robes for a little bit, had some tea, chain smoked about 3 cigarettes in 30 mins (Yes I am ashamed of that, and yes I know it doesn't really help), and just watched a few video clips online.
The next step was doing my hair and makeup, I hate that appearance makes a difference, and I don't just mean your clothes. Psychology has proven that your chances of succeeding in anything are slightly higher based on if someone judges you as attractive, and I am not only referring to the opposite sex. We instantly consciously and mostly subconsciously make rapid judgements about someone's appearance. It's gross, and I hate that it's that way, but the evidence is there, it does give you a slight advantage.
This stream of thought's then triggers another roller coaster in my mind- you look tired, you look like shit, you better get your make up spot on, you actually look a bit fat too. Of course I had to wait this one out until I could actually apply any makeup. We got there, eventually. Now that I had managed to get ready, it all seemed like a much lesser ordeal, I had about 15 minutes to spare before I needed to leave.
Having yet another cigarette my mind started to flash back to an interview I had had some months ago and did not get. How humiliated I felt, how hard I worked and studied for that role, how well I thought I had done in the interview, and how embarrassed I felt telling people that I did not get the job. Christ, if I fall down this rabbit hole then i definitely won't walk out that door, I thought to my self, with a mild increase in heart rate, tears almost bursting out of my eyes........Nooooooo don't start crying again, not now, your make up will be fucked and then you will have to do it again, which you don't have time for and you absolutely will not go late, we both know that, you'd rather not go at all then show up late.............
Then there she was, she had heard my cries for help..........she had not abandoned me.
Pull your self together!!!! You definitely needed some humiliation, you had gotten a bit cocky and aside from financial restrictions, don't often have any other blockages in your way, that had inflated your ego. You realised this a few months ago, that you needed a taste of humiliation to ground you again, to remind you to display gratitude, have you forgotten?
You also made it down to the final 2 out of 115 applicants for the job which you did not get, you were second, so will you get over it already, it really is no big deal. And anyway, even if you do go over there today and make a total ass of your self, so? You don't have to see them ever again, and you could do with some interview practice anyway, even if it goes all wrong it will help you feel confident being interviewed again. Look at it as practice, and if it gets you a job then that's a bonus. Challenge your self to attend the interview, anything other than that is a bonus.
A sigh of relief. I feel more confident now she's showed up, we need to go, traffic is nearing peak times too.
You have arrived at your destination. (Sat Nav Lady Voice)
Me- Ummmmm...........this isn't the place sat nav, this is a housing estate not an industrial park!!!!!!! Shit Shit Shit!!
The Demons- Ahh see you can't even find the place, after all of that you didn't even check the maps online first you to be sure of your route, this is your fault, now you are actually late, you can't do anything right, you should just go home.............
Confident Me- Oi!! Shut the fuck up you two!!! Ring them, you must be near by it's probably the other end of this estate the post codes must be the same, ring them and explain where you are and just tell them you're a bit lost, but near by.
I did so, she was right, it was the other end of the estate, they said they knew exactly where I was because everyone trying to find them ends up in the same spot I did, and someone actually drove around to find me, very kindly.
Confident me fully took over at this point, a side of my self I had not seen for some time. She led the show, they grilled me for almost an hour, and offered me the job.
It's part time, 3 days a week. It is not another managerial role, I am done with that. Although there will be customer dealings, it's an upper market clientele, a different kettle of fish, and not sales. I shouldn't be having people treat me like I just ran over their dog if I can't give them what they want instantly. I was just looking for something I would hopefully not hate so much and would help support me financially whilst also giving me the time to develop my own business too.
I was briefly over the moon, then instantly started feeling anxious about not doing well enough there, what problems I could face etc etc. But confident me is on a high right now, so she's got the reigns tight at the moment.
To anyone reading this suffering any kind of depression and/or anxiety issues, I'm not exactly in a position to offer advice per say, but one thing that I am noticing helping a lot is seriously lowering the bar when you're in the moment. I was on the verge of a panic attack contemplating the interview and I was losing control. I lowered the bar to just take a shower. Just eat a piece of toast. Just fix your hair and make up. And that was far more manageable, each step I achieved gave confident me a little bit of energy, until she had enough to take the lead. Break your tasks up, and don't beat your self up if you don't make it all the way, but this simple thing has helped me through many 'outbursts'.
There have been a couple of interview's over the last few months I have not been able to attend. Luckily today I broke through. It's taken many failed attempts to break through.
I do feel there has been something else at hand too. I have come to some key realisations over the last 5-6 weeks specifically, I can't help but ponder the timing. It's almost as if I had to make certain steps in my mind whilst I did not have the distractions of work life, before I would be successful at landing another job. It has felt at times that I've had immeasurable bad luck the last few months, like the universe was trying to tear me down. Maybe it was, at times I feel like I have progressed so much on the inside over the last 7 months, but have been conflicted by the outside projected perspectives of not having a job yet, really not having any money for some time, losing money in crypto, socially withdrawing.
Most people measure success on financial and material terms and most people have seen me as failing recently. However what they have no idea of, is that whilst in their terms I was successful with a good job and financial stability, that I was failing on the inside, spiritually & mentally, that, to me, is failing at life. This has been a huge topic of conflict for me during the last 6-7 months, I have a long way to go, but I feel like some big reset button was presented to me and I pushed it. It's been a whirlwind, an emotional one. But I feel like I am finding me again, through much introspection I have learned a lot about my self and other people and for the first time ever have a clear goal in mind of where I want to go in life and what I want to do, and more specifically what I should be doing.
To everyone reading who resonates with any of this, be it now, or at some point in your life. Please remember that You are Not Alone. There are far more people struggling behind closed doors than you could possibly imagine.
If there are any support groups on discord do let me know, I can add them into the blog.
Edit - I have been informed of a new tag which need's some publicity - #ihaveanxietytoo. I have edited my tags to include it, and further details are in the comments.
Also check out @g0nr0gue 's page, they do some incredible live streams every week along with @narashi- Therapy Thursday's- discussing all sorts of topic's concerning mental health- worth tuning in! You can listen back at anytime too!!
Much Love
MyIndigoInsight
Hi myindigoinsight,
Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.
Thank you so much!! :D Truly appreciated.
Yes!!! This is all.too familiar to me and I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. There's a hashtag #ihaveanxietytoo that @mountainjewel started a few weeks ago and @naturalmedicine are currently in their second week of a challenge about how people creatively manage their mental health so you might find some like-minded people going through similar things under that hashtag and the natural medicine hashtag. I think having a discord channel would be great for this so I'm going to put that forward in the natural medicine channel. We were of the Opinion that mental health needs to be destigmatised so we can talk freely about it and get the help that we need and the support from other people going through similar things.
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Thank you for your feedback, it means a lot :) Yes That was my aim too, to try and destigmatise- which is why i explained my previous achievements (not that they were anything overly special) as I have met a lot of resistance to just needing a time out from life, people around me just don't seem to get it. Not everyone, but there are quite a few who seem to just not be able to accept the fact that i need to recoup right now, and probably people in general also can feel that way, when they see someone who they perceive as doing well and how much more successful that person is than them, but it's all irrelevant. Anyone can feel this way irrespective of your job, social or financial status, we just need to start being honest about it. That said, I most likely would not go into such depth and such honesty if my blog was not anonymous. Hence why I made it this way so that i could write like this.
Pardon me for sounding ignorant, is a hashtag different to a regular tag? Or are you talking about the same things? Still finding my way around here..............
Ill check out @naturalmedicine thank you, if anything does progress with a discord support group please let me know, I would love to be involved. :)
Hi lovely. That's what we have found too that people don't understand mental health. There are quite a few of us here that have experienced very similar things. Sorry because I spoke into a dictaphone I probably wasn't very clear. It's just a normal tag. The natural medicine Discord has a Shadow in it for mental health now. Entree is 10 SP and if you can follow the curation trail. This helps support anyone writing about healing and this kind of thing. I haven't seen you your wallet but maybe if you are new you come at the forward to that quite yet in which case we can let you in anyway and you can Delegate later.
https://discord.gg/Z8u6jyQ
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Ah ok cool i have just edited my tags to include the ihaveanxietytoo :)
Nothing exciting going on with my wallet, although I do almost have 10 steem, I wouldn't want to delegate it all right now I need to keep building my SP. But I can delegate a bit further down the line.
Not sure if the dictaphone tripped you again here- 'I haven't seen you your wallet but maybe if you are new you come at the forward to that quite yet in which case we can let you in anyway and you can Delegate later'
Not sure if that means i can join that group now and delgate later, or should i join it when i am able to delegate ??
Ahaha sorry such a long day, that was proper gobbledegook and you probably think I'm a madwoman. Sure pop in and I will give you membership 💚💚💚
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Haha no you should see some of my whatsapp messages! I have the same issue with autocorrect. Cool I have just joined, thankyou :)
Hmmm i couldn't see you in there? Xxx
I think your article is very helpful, to us readers and probably to yourself. I recently started writing on steemit and I felt like writing things down could actually help me identify problems and untangle my mind. I have had a rough half of a year, and considered myself very lucky before that, never struggled to get a job...kinda like you described. So I like your angles: trying to see the lesson behind the crappy times and taking small steps.... I will take that lesson from you today. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. You are definitely not alone.
Hello, thank you for your feedback. It's so humbling to read that my words are connecting with other readers. It was very liberating to write that blog, to put all the carnage into a form someone else could read and understand what I was going through. I am happy to read that you can take something away from this blog, and I hope things get better for you too, and you can grow from your experiences. It seem's hard to think about that when everything is so bad! But there are small windows where i think.........oh..........I learned something about my self today, or the other person, or this experience has changed my views on this aspect of my self, we are our own teachers as well as our own worst enemies! I wish you all the best :D x
The depress is very hard, i say if you have some sun to take one times a day it could help a lot, it is the best and other thing is visit a nature because it relaxes to you, i share wit you one of my flowers.
Hello @galberto, that flower really made me smile :) Thank-You!! Yes i don't live in a very sunny place and it is autumn now, lots of wind and rain, but in the summer we had lots of sun this year and i definitely noticed how much better i felt after being in the sun! It really does help so that's a good tip for any readers who also live somewhere where there is lots of sun! Use it!
I can never say I know how you feel truth is nobody can know how you feel no matter how similar their case maybe I saw the pain, I felt the passion even in the letters I know what some jobs can do to one, the customers, the people and all, and in every moment whilst reading I felt your sadness, I do hope you can deal with this, I know you're one your way to dealing with the depression and anxiety and hopefully you'd overcome this.
Thank you for your feedback, its truly appreciated. I am glad you could feel the pain and sadness, i wanted to try and help other people feeling the same way by letting them know they are not alone, and also to help de-stigmatise mental health a little bit by trying to help other people understand what it is like. I am very happy to read through these comments and see that it has worked. I just wish my vote was worth something so i could give something back to all the amazing people who commented.
I am getting there slowly. I am not like this every day, the interview triggered that episode, but it would be great to not feel so overwhelmed about such things :D
@myndigoinsight Anxiety and depression if I do not recommend it to anyone very informative the pad sometimes we have this kind of disease and we do not know it is very important to keep in mind that sometimes the same mind deceives us or as I say it betrays I have gone through this and if the mind is a serious pod I liked the great information that shared I give you a 10 you ate it with this information a greeting from here venezuela @neymath10
Hi @naymarth thank you for taking the time to comment. Yes it does feel often as though my mind betrays me, I have spent a few months now trying to alter my thought patterns and to start more practices that help me deal with it, it seemed on that day though, because the interview was such a big deal for me it really triggered my anxiety strongly. So this means i still have a long way to go, but old habits and conditioning take a long time to break the cycle so i will probably experience this lots more times until i can form new and improved mental habits. I think it is just good to share your story sometimes, so that other people who know what it feels like can realise that they are not alone, because that is one big problem we face when we feel like this, is that the mind also convinces us that not one else is like this, and everyone else can cope with life better than us. Just from the amount of comments i have received shows us that there are lots of people who do struggle with this, and we can support and help eachother x
@myindigoinsight this is something that each person has to go through and whoever does not control this can even kill themselves, even if they do not believe it is a delicate friend. I do not know if it happened to you I'll give you an example being in your room that you used a pencil thing, you cut a brush nails you leave it in a place that you know there is and suddenly it disappears and you look and look and it does not appear and when you stop search appears as if nothing is something inexplicable. @neymarth10 peace and love
Hi myindigoinsight,
This post was nominated by a @curie curator to be featured in an upcoming Author Showcase that will be posted Late Saturday/Early Sunday (U.S. time) on the @curie blog.
NOTE: If you would NOT want us to feature your post in the Author Showcase please reply, email, or DM me on Discord as soon as possible. Any photos or quoted text from your post that we feature will be properly attributed to you as the author.
You can check out our previous Author Showcase to get an idea of what we are doing with these posts.
Thanks for your time and for creating great content.
Akpan (@curie curator)
[email protected]
Wow this is great news! Thank you so much. We are in different time zones so I am not sure if this is too late, but just a little info as to why i made this post-
I wanted to help de-stigmatise mental health issues, we've got to be able to start talking about these things openly. The reason I detailed my previous work achievements at the start of the blog, was to demonstrate that people you may least expect can be suffering behind closed doors, and some people often feel that other people are much more successful than they are and they must be happy- wrong. Anyone, no matter what your job is, your social or financial status, can suffer on the inside. We all are made of the same biophysical operating system, and so we are all prone to factors that can cause problems. These struggles do not make me any less efficient at anything, I can go to work, I can do well, I can achieve things like anyone else, it just means that sometimes I have bad days such as what is outlined in my blog. The more we can openly talk about it, the less overwhelmed and afraid people may feel. If I had not ignored all the warning signs over the last year or so I likely would not have crashed in such an epic manner 6 months ago- but I was too afraid to talk about it, or acknowledge it.
This is so raw real honest and poweful. Thanks @riverflows for tagging me and sharing the #ihaveanxietytoo tag and other @naturalmedicine happenings.
This is so powerful! I especially resonate with this:
So so true! The core elements that anxiety depression etc bring up strip things away and carry messages. Thank you so much for writing this post! May we all know our worth 💙 thanks for furthering the destigmatization of anxiety and sharing so truthfully about your journey!
Thank you for your feedback, it took all evening to put this blog together and hearing that it's struck a chord with people makes it all worth it. I will check out naturalmedicine and use the hashtag in future writings :), i've edited the tag into this blog too and mentioned it in the blog, hopefully will draw some attention! x
Thank you for writing so vulnerably about your situation and experiences! It's like reading someonelse's journal and knowing that this person has written down what I think and feel too at times.
The thing that gets me out of anxiety and depression circle is creating. Whenever I feel overwhelmed by some negative thoughts, I sit down and either play my instrument, draw a comic strip or write a blog post.
I see you did just that with your post. Don't you feel better afterwards even just a little bit?
And the fact you shared it on Steemit means that you are working towards the future where you will be financially less dependent on outside forces while doing what you love. Maybe there will come a time when you won't have to go to job interviews anymore...
Hello, thank you for the feed-back, it means so much that people are commenting saying they can relate. Yes it did really clear my mind actually to put it all in order and reflect it in a blog, i thought it would also be a handy tool for me to read in the future when i am having another attack like that, to go back and read my story of winning on that day, to remind future me that i can win, and what steps i took to win. Sounds like a simple thing right? To just think back to when you beat it, but when your in the middle of it it's hard to hear anything other than the demons. So hopefully I can use this blog to help me in the future too.
I am glad to hear you have an outlet for it, that is one of the biggest keys i think.
Yes steemit has a two fold purpose, an creative outlet for me which will help me and hopefully other people, and also if i can generate some income from it then this will also hugely help :)
The person who fails the most, wins...😁
Hey @myindigoinsight, thank you for sharing this story, I believe everyone has such conflict inside of them, the demons we fight on daily basis, but you are absolutely right there are people who need some support from outside to get through and gain confident.Sometimes the things that we think obvious for everyone not obvious for those who suffer anxiety. I could not believe but there are so many of those people. I only noticed when once my own sister express the same thoughts and hesitations like you did in your story. It is good to have the community of people who support such group they definitely may safe someone's life,
Cheers, from art-supporting blog @art-venture
Hello @art-venture, thanks for stopping by to comment. With this blog i wanted to try and help others who feel the same by letting them know they are not alone, and i also wanted to try and de-stigmatise mental health a little bit by helping other people who do not feel this way understand what it is like. Not everyone can communicate how they are feeling, i am able to do this and i am very happy to read all these comments from people, it shows me that it worked :) But yes you are right, most people will feel similar things at varying points on the scale. I my self even did not believe i was dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time, i thought people who were diagnosed with it must be feeling much worse than i was, and that i was just being a bit silly. These are very real battles that people deal with, and we should be able to talk about them openly with out fear of being judged. This is why i wrote about my previous accomplishments, not to brag about it, but to show that people you least expect can be feeling this way. Through this blog i have connected with many people who are trying to build a support group accross steemit using the new tag mentioned in the blog, and a support group on discord. It's great to see and hopefully with time there will be a great network of support on steemit :)
You have been scouted by @promo-mentors.
We are a community of new and veteran Steemians and we are always on the lookout for promising authors.
I would like to invite you to our discord group https://discord.gg/vDPAFqb.
When you are there send me a message if you get lost! (My Discord name is the same as here on Steemit)
Thank you so much :D I have joined the discord group.
From you post @myindigoinsight, I could sensed that you were good in what you were doing. But you too hard on yourself, you push and push, you want the best out of you. My thought this would be the trigger because you have reached a limit where you can get hold of your own. This was the reason why you have panic attack before your interviewed. You want the best and you need the job. This really a good article tho.. It helps someone who out there have the same issue and need someone to talk to. I glad that you have overcome all these and found yourself once again, started a new life and ready to help people. I definitely would shared your article to anyone who have the same challenge and let them know that they are not alone.
Oh yes I totally over think things and I totally am way to hard on my self. I am totally aware of that, and I am trying to learn how to re-train my mind. It just takes time. And yes writing about it is an outlet for me and it really makes me happy to know that if it's helped someone out there feel less alone during their struggle then it's worth it :)
Thank you for stopping by i appreciate all the feed-back.
@myindigoinsight, happy to know that you going to take thing easy. Slow down the pace a bit, then you can start to appreciate and enjoy your surrounding. Best wishes and be happy.
Congratulations for winning the battle!
The battle never ends as long as we're still breathing, most importantly the spiritual battle. Life in this world is a warfare towards our ultimate purpose where we belong after facing the final reality of death.
By the way, thanks for sharing your story!
It helps me remind everyday to fight the battle.
And those who read your post will also know your story.
Hello, thank you for your feedback, I do appreciate all these comments. Yes you are correct, i think as long as i am striving to continually develop my self in all ways- mentally, spiritually and physically, I will often have phases like this, the trick is learning how to transition through them a bit more smoothly than i am! Hopefully with practice it will get easier, and in the mean time i can share about it openly to help other people know they are not alone! :)
I like this line:
I remember the books and writings about holy men who conquered the devil through humility.
There are many books and writings online that we can refer to. Maybe we could ask how is it possible that humility can flee the devil?
I suppose because it's the opposite of an out of control ego? And with humility perhaps you realise that not everything is in your control, you question your personal power and ponder a larger one. Just some thoughts. But yes this was a big realisation for me. I was never super egotistical or anything like that, but i certainly did have a sense of i could do anything i wanted, and some fake sense of power because of that. When in actual reality i had no power, my self power is weak and my ego power was far too strong. I did need some humiliation to make me aware of this, and ponder that my success may not have been all my own actions, it seems there are many forces in the working and i truly am grateful for doors that open and people who enter my life at the right time. My mind frame has changed from - I will build my own path- to, -I will follow the path that unfolds in line with my highest and truest self :)
I like your explanation very much!
I heard a sermon being broadcasted on Youtube that says:
Its accepting the truth who we really are and doing the things intended for us. Am I right? Please correct me.
Actually I don't remember the full sermon, only how the preacher defined humility.
But it doesn't mean that we don't aspire to be better and better every day, because maybe we might fall into pride when we achieve something higher? I'm getting confused now. lol
I guess moderation must be the limit?
It's hard to think about and put into words that make sense isn't it? Ha.
'Humility Is Knowing your Place and Taking your Place'- Yes I was thinking along the lines of what you said which was- accepting the truth of who we really are and doing the things intended for us. For me, I spent so many years working very hard for other people in jobs that mean nothing to me, that do not match up with my goals or aspirations, my personality, i just do them because i need to earn money. Now, i believe each of us has free will, but each of us is also somewhat tangled in fate too. So where I have been focusing all of my energy into my career which I didn't even want it sort of happened by accident, which was not in line with my try self, I have felt much resistance inside and have struggled as is outlined in my blog. But you just carry on because we are scared to take the leap of faith into the unknown. Although I did progress well on that path there seemed to me many obstacles i had to over come, and over the years little doors have opened here or there, or people have entered my life to try and show me the correct path, but at the time i did not see it and i missed the opportunity, that was my free will. And look how i ended up? Back in this pit of depression yet again. When that lesson of humility happened, it was a catalyst for me, a big one, which resulted in much introspection. I saw and started to piece together things I had missed, doors which opened which were nothing to do with my efforts, and wondered who opened them? How did that situation arise? Who governs these things if not always us? My personal power sense felt much less diminished, and a realisation that I actually should be doing something totally different, but how on earth do i get there? How do i make it work? After much turmoil and worrying and thinking about things far too much, just going a little more with the flow and acceptance of- I want to follow the path which is in line with my truest and highest self, things are starting to happen. Momentum is starting to build, and i realise that i have the choice to do whatever i want, but i think my path would be much easier if i took the one that 'fits' me, rather than if i stayed in the management route for the sake of a well paying job and good social status, i would face much resistance on that path trying to swing me back to where my try talents lie. Does that make sense?
No it does not mean i cannot strive to be better or great, it just means- taking your place, stepping off the path which you feel deep down is so wrong for you, and just being true to your self and what you really want to achieve with no fear, which is hard, it takes time. But yes totally taking your place in whatever form that may be, and combining your efforts with whatever unseen force seems to be out there guiding us on our journeys.
Our emotions, all of them, positive and negative as we call them, are not problems that need to be medicated in most cases, there are cases of genetic imbalances and i do not refer to these, but for the most part they are our inner guidance system that is screaming at us and we don't even know this. We just grow to despise the ones that really challenge us and think there is something wrong, i have realised that i ended up feeling so low and anxious because i spent too log ignoring my guiding system, to a point where it's a problem and i have battles like this, but i am taking full responsibility for it, i am trying to navigate my way out of it.
Thanks for that wonderful explanation! What would I call you?
Can I know your first name, if you don't mind?
Anyways, I like this line of you:
That unseen force you mentioned maybe the work of your guardian angel, as I could predict it based on my faith, knowledge and experience.
When things get wrong and seems that we've done all our best, and still we fail, to the point of hopelessness, that's the right and perfect time unseen force comes to an aid.
I remember when I was working the year 1998.
I was fixing the door of an elevator in a sugarcane factory, when suddenly after fixing it, the elevator got stuck and could no longer function. I went to the main panel on the top floor that made me bathed my own sweat. I tried checking the connections over and over again, but the elevator was still not moving. It took me about 1-2 hours to fix it but nothing really happened. I sat down and bowed my head, and almost cried. I said, "What must I do?"
After that question, I just tried again to check the connection, and I heard the door of the elevator closing, and it was working!
That was one of my experiences I could remember.
After reading your post I wanted to suggest you to check out @naturalmedicine here on steemit and on Discord, I know they can help you deal with this but then I've seen that @riverflows already did that.
First of all congratulation for this post, I know how hard must have been to put it together. I hope you can find the right way and get better. Good luck!
Thank you Erikah, it took a long time to write it but it felt good to share actually, the first time i have tried to translate all the carnage into some coherent trail of thoughts. People have responded so well it's been truly heartwarming reading all the feedback. :)
We don't know each other but I'm very happy to hear that. It's good to see people getting help! I wish you all the best in the world! :)
I think you will enjoy this discord. A very supporting and pleasent vibe with great people😀
The Kindness Collective
https://discord.gg/qSvc7zQ
Only just seen this, awesome thank-you! :D
Well that's awesome you are in the ecotrain server. It's not you it's me.. lol. Here's the right server I meant haha. Gawd. I have a rotten cold and am not thinking straight.
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Had a good ol giggle to all your comments!!
can you eat a raw clove of garlic?? My b.f can when he's full of cold, i just can't do it, but he does it at the first sign and it really helps a lot, but i can't see it not helping if you're in the midst of it. But yeah it's not something i can actually do !
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