I wish I could have read this this time last year. But eventually, I did realise that putting more time into what I love, what I feel passionate about and what makes me me, I gradually came to love myself independently again.
I left an emotionally abusive man and being with a person like this teaches you to be totally dependent on their love. When you have doubts about their love because they treat you like you've disappointed them, it sends you on an emotional rollercoaster because you can't figure out if this is just you being crazy or if you should try to fix whatever he's not happy with.
They make confrontation more intimidating that it was with other people. But when you've made up they tell you they want you to feel comfortable telling them when they're being cruel etc which makes you feel like it's your own fault for being afraid of his aggressive reactions.
Anyway, it's been a while since I've thought about that person in pain. He crosses my mind when I get lonely. But I am in a much better place to think about him now because he's not on that pedestal anymore. He's just a poisonous shrub in the ground now that I wish I'd never cared for!
For me I got back to training. I was running, cycling, hiking, climbing, dancing, working and I even found it hard to make friends while doing these things because my confidence was shot by my loss of a love I made myself dependent on. What helped me most though was actually closure. I felt for a long time like I was being selfish by seeking closure, because I knew once I had it he would realise what he'd lost and replace me in that awful place. And he did!!
When I finally forced him into responding to me and telling me why we ended the way we did he came across incredibly bitter, immature, and just like a nasty bully. I was finally able to say I really am better off without the happy memories stopping me. And of course as soon as I stopped contacting him, he became love sick again!! Even proposing the idea of having children! Love really is a form of insanity.
Thankfully I got myself in a place where I had the strength to not find his exclamations of false love attractive anymore. I just feel bad for the next woman to be fooled by him.