Mini Motivation #126 - Divorce Is Not The End - Dating As A Single Dad (Part 1/2)

THE BACKSTORY

I became a single dad when I was 30. William was four at that time. The divorce was swift, and no real reasons were ever given. As a consultant who fixes the problems for clients, for once, I was left hopeless, not being able to fix my own, mainly because I did not know how or where to fix it. Looking back, the fact that she called it and paid for the divorce fees was signs that she didn’t want to fix it in the first place.

For a while, I thought it was me, and I’m sure still I had my faults in the breakdown. But like all relationships, it takes two hands to clap, and Will’s mom basically dumping her motherly responsibility on me gave me said a lot more about her take on life and responsibilities. That’s her choice, really, and Will and I just have to made do with the hand we were dealt with.

I have to be honest though, I am self-employed, running a few ventures, so that gave me some form of freedom to shuffle my parenting prioritises around. I could set all my client meetings after dropping Will and before picking him up, with ample time to navigate through the traffic. I had a good support network to help me out when I wasn’t around. I get to increase my income by working harder too, with side hustles in between.

I know not all single-dads have that luxury, so if you are one, I can only hope some of these strategies and thoughts I’ll be sharing can work for you. Don’t be quick to brush them off and assume that it won’t work for you because seriously, it can. Just like everything in life, you can’t expect everything to fit nicely into the mould - sometimes, you got to trim a little here, shave a little there, and viola! It fits perfectly now!

I can’t speak for all single-parents too, because I’m sure single-moms have a different set of challenges. But do know that like most single-moms, I am also the sole guardian for William. And not to sideline the single-dads, yeah, I am aware you are the sole care taker too. :)

THE REALITY

It’s a second chance at love

Relationships don’t always work out (heck, just like the other things in life too), but it doesn’t necessarily mean it's the end. As with our other endeavours in life, we sometimes need to try again, and again, and again. Failure is when you give up totally, but please, by all means, you are not a failure.

Having a second chance at love is like the token to reset your love life, but this time, you get to keep the experiences you gained. You will have better clarity in what you want from the relationship. In my first relationship, I learned the importance of values in relationship, and in the second, how important it is to have someone that is aligned to yours. As a matter of fact, values are something you should never compromise in your relationship, because that’s your entire identity.
It’s not always your fault

As I said earlier, it’s not always your fault that the relationship failed. And the faster you can wrap your head around that, the sooner you will be moving on. Do not bring the sins of the past relationship into the new ones, because it will haunt you, and it will burden the both of you.
But if it is, fix it

However, like me, we are far from perfect. There were a few areas that I could identified as potential reasons for the breakdown of the relationship, and upon acknowledging them, I started to work on them. Remember, it’s always ABC - Awareness Before Change. Perhaps previously, you weren’t aware of the error of your ways, which resulted in the break up. So as mentioned in point #1, here’s your second chance to get it right.

Character flaws are meant to be worked on, regardless whether or not it’s for the sake of the relationship. You can benefit from being a better person, and instead of changing or the sake of someone else, it’s way better to change for your own good. You're worth it, aren't you?

Ask for honest feedback from those closest to you to confirm, and self-reflect whenever you can. If you feel like it, go back to your ex to confirm. End of the day, please know that you will make the call if it’s a flaw you want to change, because only you suffer the consequences and reap the benefits.
Your final responsibility

You have a kid(s), so as much as you want to start a new life, you have to craft a part for him/her/them. It’s easy to forget about your responsibilities when you’re falling in love - enticed by the promises of new love, entrenched in the air of new romance.

In a way, you also have to let your future partner know that you need to be responsible for your children, and it’s not always the case of who gets more love and attention. However, touch wood on this, but should there ever present a scenario where you need to decide between your children and your new partner, you need to know your place as a parent must come first. Your new partner will need to understand that, and as a matter of fact, respect you for doing your part.
Know what you want from the relationship

Yes, with the reset, comes much promises. Though not a total clean slate, but you get to make a checklist of what you want from the new love. Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds, you can make-to-order your love life, as long as you have the clarity to list down what you are looking for.

Similar interest? Same behaviour? Shared beliefs? Aligned values? Make that list, dude.

And no, you ain’t gonna get 100% accurate, because you will have to adapt to some of the others. That’s part of growth, so you become a better person. But if I may, don’t ever compromise on values. It hardly will turn out well.
Know what your partner wants from the relationship

Honesty comes in big time here, because let’s face it, to some girls/ladies, you have baggage. Is it a bad word to use, this “baggage”? Yes it is, but it’s not going to stop others from thinking about it. The faster you can understand the term people use behind your back, the sooner you can move on.

If your new partner wants another child, are you ok with that? Is marriage on the menu the second time around? Taking it slow is cool, but is there an expiry date to it?

Be honest with her, because that’s part of respecting her and managing expectations. There shouldn’t be compromises in this department, and truthful conversations will help prevent ever coming to that.
Managing the ex (if they are still in your lives)

If having a kid(s) is inconvenient, having an ex that comes into your life occasionally/regularly/frequently can be tough! Think about it: past drama, jealousy, awkwardness, and the need to put up a game face for the sake of your children. Technically, she is still the mother of your kids, and as much as you hate her guts for being an irresponsible parent, you just have to take the higher road on this one.

Woot! Look at the time! Looks like this is going to be a two-parter. Yup, the second half will cover the juicy strategies. #yums

Still, the mindset and reality portion is important for the strategies to make sense. I can give you all the tools, tips and tricks but if the mind is not tuned well to use them, they are just like those self-help books on the shelves that are not read.

Mini Motivation is my own daily strategy to inspire myself. Mostly 3-minute reads.

From Motivation, we gain Inspiration. From Inspiration, we achieve Momentum. And the rest, they say, is history.

Hope it helps nudge you a bit too in the right direction.

Oh it did? Let me know in the comments, and of course an upvote would be a nice motivation for me. :)

Stay awesome!

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Change for the sake of yourself but not for your partner answered one of my big questions.

Should we change for our partner for something good?

I am a very forgetful person. All these while I'm the only one suffering from the consequences, no one else. It's been bothering me but I can live with it.

But when I started relationship with Williams, he's suffering from it as well. Like my forgetfulness is challenging his values. So do I change for him so that I can be better? Or I'm actually changing for myself?

I was really contemplating whether am I forsaking myself?

And you have brought clarity to me. I am changing not because of him. Instead, he is the catalyst. I need to change for the sake of growth. Forgetfulness is not helpful.

Thank you for making it so clear to me, @maverickfoo :D

Mini Motivation #126 - Divorce Is Not The End - Dating As A Single Dad (Part 1/2)

THE BACKSTORY

THE REALITY

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