Lots of really good advice packed into this post. I kept thinking “uh-huh, yup, uh-huh”. I too spent a few years in a really toxic one immediately before meeting my wife. The crazy thing is it may have been my all time worst! Rock bottom maybe, as it didn’t involve more drinking than I normally was into. But enough of that. I also think that simply having the intention of being a good, long-term relationship is huge. I know I was the cause of ended relations when I just didn’t want to be there, even though I was in denial of that fact. My wife and I are perfect for each other in many ways, but in contrast to your story, I don’t think we are much like the hallmark version. It probably says a lot about where you were with yourself when you met your fiancé, but I think I was still holding onto some platonic forms that really weren’t but what I needed, and my wife helped me see that. Congratulations on the catch! Cheers!
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I think you're right, I see a lot of couples that formed a bond during a trying time and came out as partners. You also always should be open to opportunities that come along. I don't think I was ready when I met her, but when you find the right person ready is a fairly unimportant concept. But also if you are jumping in recognize that you are going to have to be extra careful to keep your issues managed if you want it to work out. Either way though, if you end up with a partner who makes you happy and improves your life you are winning the game.
My fiance has actually been reading a book on the history of marriage and has been rather entertained by it. Our current concept of marriage for love is REALLY recent. It's great for selling fantasy, but no so much at emphasizing what actually matters when picking someone to spend the rest of your life with.
The recency of marriage for Love makes me think of James Michener’s most famous novel, Hawaii. The main characters were misssionaries who were paired up as kids and sent to the islands. The way Michener depicts their life together is just epic. And it had a lasting impression on me. It wouldn’t be ideal, in my opinion, but the story is a good reminder that Even if we marry out of love, we will probably still have to learn to love that person over time. There are layers, and no matter what you think at the start you will have big epiphanies along the way.