interesting post.
it's possible human relationships are really not meant to last a lifetime.. maybe 4-10 years really.
So please keep in mind, marriage is possibly an outdated concept from another era that no longer exists, and it's nice to have many people in your life over time, to learn from.
I fall in love too easy maybe, but I like to have a woman in my life for a time, then be single for a while, and it can go up to about 6 years, then it seems to start failing. Some research indicates this may actually be normal and religious dogma and fantasy is all that really sez that love must last a lifetime.
I think there's a million ways to have a relationship, and people should do what works for them. There's some indication that the seven year itch is a real thing. The traditional marriage arrangment definitely doesn't work for everyone. I do think however, life long relationships, whether that be friends or spouses, are important to having a full life.
Frankly for a lot of us, life is too challenging to not have a partner. Families can't exist anymore on one income. Hell I live in NYC and have a good job, but I still wouldn't be able to afford my lifestyle and be comfortable without a partner.
Ultimately it comes down to whatever works for you individually. Maybe you'd just do better to just have some soild friendships and a series of lovers. I think because of societial pressure it's hard for people to really understand and accept what they personally want. But, if you can idenify that, there is a whole world of people out there and in it are others looking for the same.
Some solid advices here, coming from the heart.
My two cents - the #1 reason for broken relationships is what I call - feeding. No matter how much in love the couple is, sparks between them and true friendship and all, ultimately, they are individuals. As such they are committed to their own growth in life. There is no way to avoid this. So, at some point one spouse is called to grow, and when that happens the other spouse must be tolerant and accept the fact that their spouse goes through a process. That means that the dynamic will change and it may happen that the growing spouse will need a space, time to themselves. That, naturally, will cause the "left-aside" spouse to feel neglected: "We were so loving together and now you seem to be distant. What’s wrong?" Well, nothing. A wise, mature person will know to fill the lack from within and not feed off of their growing spouse. If they don’t know how to do that, then a loop of blaming-guilt-clumping-distancing will replace the so-far rosy love affair. Pay attention to this dynamic, be prepared and save your relationships.
This is some really solid advice. My fiance and I are not poly, but we're what you might call poly adjacent. We have a lot of friends who are and have been to lectures on the subject and such. Around the time that marriage for love (and also separating by nuclear family as the default), or having to find your soulmate became the primary reason for marriage it also seems to have pushed the notion that your partner should also be your best friend, your lover, your business partner, your therapist, and co-parent. This, to be blunt, is a fucking insane thing to expect of one other person. IF you have that with someone, great, amazing! But it's super rare that you find a person who can be all of those things and do it effectively. One of the things that I think monogamists can learn from the poly community is that maintaining multiple relationships does not dilute your feelings. What it actually does is allow you to focus on what is strong in your relationship with each person and not force you into interactions with them which they may not be interested in or equipped for. Humans used to live much more communally than we have since the early part of the 20th century and I think we have abandoned that to our detriment.
Indeed so. And it relates to the ability of one to stand strong in their identity so other people in the beloved's life do not threaten the connection between the couple itself.
All our friends, loved ones, colleagues, are aspects of us. No one is a threat to the other, but it takes an aware person to know this.
Thanks for your post 👍
Lots of really good advice packed into this post. I kept thinking “uh-huh, yup, uh-huh”. I too spent a few years in a really toxic one immediately before meeting my wife. The crazy thing is it may have been my all time worst! Rock bottom maybe, as it didn’t involve more drinking than I normally was into. But enough of that. I also think that simply having the intention of being a good, long-term relationship is huge. I know I was the cause of ended relations when I just didn’t want to be there, even though I was in denial of that fact. My wife and I are perfect for each other in many ways, but in contrast to your story, I don’t think we are much like the hallmark version. It probably says a lot about where you were with yourself when you met your fiancé, but I think I was still holding onto some platonic forms that really weren’t but what I needed, and my wife helped me see that. Congratulations on the catch! Cheers!
I think you're right, I see a lot of couples that formed a bond during a trying time and came out as partners. You also always should be open to opportunities that come along. I don't think I was ready when I met her, but when you find the right person ready is a fairly unimportant concept. But also if you are jumping in recognize that you are going to have to be extra careful to keep your issues managed if you want it to work out. Either way though, if you end up with a partner who makes you happy and improves your life you are winning the game.
My fiance has actually been reading a book on the history of marriage and has been rather entertained by it. Our current concept of marriage for love is REALLY recent. It's great for selling fantasy, but no so much at emphasizing what actually matters when picking someone to spend the rest of your life with.
The recency of marriage for Love makes me think of James Michener’s most famous novel, Hawaii. The main characters were misssionaries who were paired up as kids and sent to the islands. The way Michener depicts their life together is just epic. And it had a lasting impression on me. It wouldn’t be ideal, in my opinion, but the story is a good reminder that Even if we marry out of love, we will probably still have to learn to love that person over time. There are layers, and no matter what you think at the start you will have big epiphanies along the way.
Honestly recognizing that is going to serve you well. There's no point in forcing something that you aren't ready for. Hope things work out for you!
Also this is where I mention that no advice should be taken as an absolute. I decided that week I met my fiance that I was going to wait to have my shit together before dating due to a Tinder fling that made me realize I'm not sure I was ready to date. So stick to your guns, but be open in case something unexpected happens.
Thanks for sharing. Its crazy how high the divorce rate, STILL is in the usa. I'm glad you found everything you needed in life. I hope everyone out there finds exactly what there looking for. If your in an unhealthy relationship or it doesn't work, lean on family and friends to get out, and start a new. You'll thank yourself in the long run. This can be easier said then done, I have been there a few times. Anyway no doom and gloom comment, thanks for sharing I hope you inspired others to keep striving for what they want! Steem on my friend and have a great day!!
Yup, I had to do this and it was really hard but thankfully I had good people supporting me and things are waaaaaaay better now because of it. It's surprising how many people out there struggle to just not be kinda shitty. Probably doesn't help that what we really need to learn, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, empathy, etc. We're just sort of left to learn on our own and a lot of people ever seem to get good examples, which is one of the reasons I try to write about this stuff.
Excellent very interesting post friend I think two humans of good heart can last a lifetime in marriage I have seen in my own family and if I believe in love thank you for sharing so extraordinary post greetings
Thanks! A good heart is imporant. More important though, relationships take skill and work. It's rare that they are successful without it. I hope I can help people learn those skills and have more success in their relationships!
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interesting post.
it's possible human relationships are really not meant to last a lifetime.. maybe 4-10 years really.
So please keep in mind, marriage is possibly an outdated concept from another era that no longer exists, and it's nice to have many people in your life over time, to learn from.
I fall in love too easy maybe, but I like to have a woman in my life for a time, then be single for a while, and it can go up to about 6 years, then it seems to start failing. Some research indicates this may actually be normal and religious dogma and fantasy is all that really sez that love must last a lifetime.
Excellent response dear friend thanks for the support greetings
I think there's a million ways to have a relationship, and people should do what works for them. There's some indication that the seven year itch is a real thing. The traditional marriage arrangment definitely doesn't work for everyone. I do think however, life long relationships, whether that be friends or spouses, are important to having a full life.
Frankly for a lot of us, life is too challenging to not have a partner. Families can't exist anymore on one income. Hell I live in NYC and have a good job, but I still wouldn't be able to afford my lifestyle and be comfortable without a partner.
Ultimately it comes down to whatever works for you individually. Maybe you'd just do better to just have some soild friendships and a series of lovers. I think because of societial pressure it's hard for people to really understand and accept what they personally want. But, if you can idenify that, there is a whole world of people out there and in it are others looking for the same.
Some solid advices here, coming from the heart.
My two cents - the #1 reason for broken relationships is what I call - feeding. No matter how much in love the couple is, sparks between them and true friendship and all, ultimately, they are individuals. As such they are committed to their own growth in life. There is no way to avoid this. So, at some point one spouse is called to grow, and when that happens the other spouse must be tolerant and accept the fact that their spouse goes through a process. That means that the dynamic will change and it may happen that the growing spouse will need a space, time to themselves. That, naturally, will cause the "left-aside" spouse to feel neglected: "We were so loving together and now you seem to be distant. What’s wrong?" Well, nothing. A wise, mature person will know to fill the lack from within and not feed off of their growing spouse. If they don’t know how to do that, then a loop of blaming-guilt-clumping-distancing will replace the so-far rosy love affair. Pay attention to this dynamic, be prepared and save your relationships.
This is some really solid advice. My fiance and I are not poly, but we're what you might call poly adjacent. We have a lot of friends who are and have been to lectures on the subject and such. Around the time that marriage for love (and also separating by nuclear family as the default), or having to find your soulmate became the primary reason for marriage it also seems to have pushed the notion that your partner should also be your best friend, your lover, your business partner, your therapist, and co-parent. This, to be blunt, is a fucking insane thing to expect of one other person. IF you have that with someone, great, amazing! But it's super rare that you find a person who can be all of those things and do it effectively. One of the things that I think monogamists can learn from the poly community is that maintaining multiple relationships does not dilute your feelings. What it actually does is allow you to focus on what is strong in your relationship with each person and not force you into interactions with them which they may not be interested in or equipped for. Humans used to live much more communally than we have since the early part of the 20th century and I think we have abandoned that to our detriment.
Indeed so. And it relates to the ability of one to stand strong in their identity so other people in the beloved's life do not threaten the connection between the couple itself.
All our friends, loved ones, colleagues, are aspects of us. No one is a threat to the other, but it takes an aware person to know this.
Thanks for your post 👍
Lots of really good advice packed into this post. I kept thinking “uh-huh, yup, uh-huh”. I too spent a few years in a really toxic one immediately before meeting my wife. The crazy thing is it may have been my all time worst! Rock bottom maybe, as it didn’t involve more drinking than I normally was into. But enough of that. I also think that simply having the intention of being a good, long-term relationship is huge. I know I was the cause of ended relations when I just didn’t want to be there, even though I was in denial of that fact. My wife and I are perfect for each other in many ways, but in contrast to your story, I don’t think we are much like the hallmark version. It probably says a lot about where you were with yourself when you met your fiancé, but I think I was still holding onto some platonic forms that really weren’t but what I needed, and my wife helped me see that. Congratulations on the catch! Cheers!
I think you're right, I see a lot of couples that formed a bond during a trying time and came out as partners. You also always should be open to opportunities that come along. I don't think I was ready when I met her, but when you find the right person ready is a fairly unimportant concept. But also if you are jumping in recognize that you are going to have to be extra careful to keep your issues managed if you want it to work out. Either way though, if you end up with a partner who makes you happy and improves your life you are winning the game.
My fiance has actually been reading a book on the history of marriage and has been rather entertained by it. Our current concept of marriage for love is REALLY recent. It's great for selling fantasy, but no so much at emphasizing what actually matters when picking someone to spend the rest of your life with.
The recency of marriage for Love makes me think of James Michener’s most famous novel, Hawaii. The main characters were misssionaries who were paired up as kids and sent to the islands. The way Michener depicts their life together is just epic. And it had a lasting impression on me. It wouldn’t be ideal, in my opinion, but the story is a good reminder that Even if we marry out of love, we will probably still have to learn to love that person over time. There are layers, and no matter what you think at the start you will have big epiphanies along the way.
I am so happy that you found your soul mate...
I don't wanna end up in a relationship cause I'm messed up right now ..maybe a year or two after :)
Honestly recognizing that is going to serve you well. There's no point in forcing something that you aren't ready for. Hope things work out for you!
Also this is where I mention that no advice should be taken as an absolute. I decided that week I met my fiance that I was going to wait to have my shit together before dating due to a Tinder fling that made me realize I'm not sure I was ready to date. So stick to your guns, but be open in case something unexpected happens.
That first image, tough. It is all kinds of amazing. :)
Someone needs to put that creepy winged baby looking motherfucker in his place!
Thanks for sharing. Its crazy how high the divorce rate, STILL is in the usa. I'm glad you found everything you needed in life. I hope everyone out there finds exactly what there looking for. If your in an unhealthy relationship or it doesn't work, lean on family and friends to get out, and start a new. You'll thank yourself in the long run. This can be easier said then done, I have been there a few times. Anyway no doom and gloom comment, thanks for sharing I hope you inspired others to keep striving for what they want! Steem on my friend and have a great day!!
Yup, I had to do this and it was really hard but thankfully I had good people supporting me and things are waaaaaaay better now because of it. It's surprising how many people out there struggle to just not be kinda shitty. Probably doesn't help that what we really need to learn, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, empathy, etc. We're just sort of left to learn on our own and a lot of people ever seem to get good examples, which is one of the reasons I try to write about this stuff.
So glad you found her!! Discovering someone who strikes a deep connection is rare nowadays! Good luck in your future together.
Thanks! We're in awe everyday that we managed to find each other.
Excellent very interesting post friend I think two humans of good heart can last a lifetime in marriage I have seen in my own family and if I believe in love thank you for sharing so extraordinary post greetings
Thanks! A good heart is imporant. More important though, relationships take skill and work. It's rare that they are successful without it. I hope I can help people learn those skills and have more success in their relationships!
Thanks for sharing good work. Music is also very nice.
Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by Cygon from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, theprophet0, someguy123, neoxian, followbtcnews, and netuoso. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows. Please find us at the
If you would like to delegate to the Minnow Support Project you can do so by clicking on the following links: 50SP, 100SP, 250SP, 500SP, 1000SP, 5000SP.
Be sure to leave at least 50SP undelegated on your account.