When my friend got married, I struggled to imagine the woman who had accepted him as a partner. The reason was he was lazy. He spent his days sipping tea and playing guitar. His life was lived in his head to the point he never showed up on time and if people were upset that he'd run late or failed to show up at all, he waved it off. In fact, the reason we were friends was based on location and shared college courses. It was a circumstantial friendship that has not stood the test of time. It's erosion and decay began the day we met his wife. But why?
Well, he married a woman from a culture where women are expected to do everything. He found a cushy job as a professor in her country and, when he wasn't teaching, drank tea and played guitar at home. She spent her days in school, working her own job, shopping, cleaning their apartment and cooking all the meals. She did everything while he relaxed. Since she was taught this was right and proper, she did it without complaining. But there was this look in her eyes. I stopped loving my friend and began to despise him because of it.
He said he'd married for love, but his wife was exhausted and miserable. She went about her tasks with little joy. She kept up herself, their home and him. She managed work and school and every household job there was, and still found time to listen to him and praise him while he played his music. He would show up at home with friends or students without telling her, and he would ply them to stay all hours of the night. When they came back to the U.S. he did the same. I talked with her about it, but I was afraid to give her any false hope that her situation could change. Because she'd married an American, she had no place to go back to in her home country. She was one of many girls from a home of poverty. She was lucky because she was moving up by marrying a loaf.
I think no one ever said this to her, but maybe he heard it a lot.
It still upsets me, but I look at their marriage now with a different perspective. My friend--when I needed something he would make sure I got it. He did work hard even if he couldn't show up on time. You just had to ask it of him. But he hadn't been taught to ask you what you needed, and his wife had been taught not to ask for help with her work. There relationship was fulfilling both of their expectations even if one of them wasn't happy about it.
Communication. That's what it is all about. I hope they've learned to communicate their needs and wants to each other. I hope they've learned to do it with kindness. To establish their expectations around positive communication outcomes rather than silent simmering and barbed words as many couples do.
I am still doing away with expectations for myself as I reexamine how I stepped into this latest toxic relationship. Where will I go from here? Up for certain. I know because I'm resetting the bar. I'm aiming higher when it comes to clarifying my needs in relationships. It is making my life better. I wish the same for you.
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I can relate to this. I myself dedicate most of my time, doing house work, cooking, watching 2 girls and catering to my husband. I don't do it because he is a lazy piece of shit. He works very hard for us and provides as much as he can. This woman was in a tight spot and she felt like she had to because he was American and he meant money and happiness. It's terrible the way people take advantage of each other and not even realize it. She does need to open her mouth and tell her husband how she feels.
I feel bad for her.
I read this and thought I was in this. But then again I have a voice and I tell m husband on some days, I don't feel like doing anything for you. I want to focus on myself. He would understand and do things for himself.
I'm so glad you have communication on your side. It infuriates me when I see situations like theirs where nothing is being said or done. And FWIW, even men from her culture were shocked by the level of work she was putting in compared to him. Sad. Always advocate for yourself. Glad you do.
I think a relationship should be a partnership between two people. How people fill this in is entirely up to them. Reading about your friend makes me personally not want to like him because I think he sounds very selfish.
But on the other hand, he does act like himself before and after getting in a relationship. So it's hard to judge because he hasn't changed as a person at all. It was clear who he was from the get-go.
Not sure what happened with your toxic relationship but don't be in a relationship just to be in one. I waited 30 years before I met somebody that fits perfectly with me. I never looked for her and I never was worried about being single. It just happened one day. So, It will either happen or not. But don't settle for something less.
I agree. I don't have a lot of love for that friend anymore. I'm in no hurry to be in a new relationship either. The toxic stuff--I'm still wading through it. Today I feel sad and have the age-old cycle of thoughts in my mind that I could have said this or done that. The truth is, no matter what I said or did, they weren't hearing me. Communication wasn't happening.
What you are saying about not looking--I think when we are confident in ourselves we attract people who like confidence rather than people who see us as opportunity. That's what happened with my toxic ex-friend. I see that I have work to do.