After traveling and looking for freedom I start to see more obstacles than before. I've heard about real freedom being rather inside then outside, but I never really found the power to look inside deep enough to see this truth.
After being away from my old life/old habits for more than a year now I start to wonder...
..What is this search for freedom really about?
How can I be free if I can't be me?
The moment I notice myself acting again I start to wonder where this is coming from... It is like a software programmed into my brain trying to protect me from silly things that are not even close to real danger.
All actions seem to be be based upon my judgmental mind.
The best way to explain what I notice is - that my mind is always judging current and previous events, and based upon these judgments, my body is unconsciously taking actions. It is like my mind is trying to control every situation trying to avoid uncomfortable incidents, the mind is looking for perfection all the time and failing miserably or making things even worse... haha..
As I started to move and travel I start seeing these same characteristics in the new people who are close to me as well. So life seems to give me these similar situations and experiences everywhere I go.
So when I made the decision to live more free I thought I was choosing for myself and my freedom, but..
..What is freedom really when all your decisions are based upon unconscious fears most of the time? Where is free will in this equation?
Feeling like a prisoner looking to break free in the outside world but failing to see the mental prison I am creating... So the truth might be rather that I was running away from myself instead of looking for freedom. After realizing this I started to accept the fact that I don't really know who I am. And I try to observe where my decisions really come from.. until now I only see decisions based upon my liking or disliking thoughts. This makes me realize that I am completely out of balance most of the time, living more in my head then in the real world (here and now). The moment we start to think about things that happen around us we start to create 2 options, black or white, good or bad, like or dislike... there is no gray area in the world of thinking, but thinking is necessary sometimes...
I accepted my situation and I am trying to center myself when I am stuck in my head again. I try to inquire where my decisions come from when I am aware... This sometimes gives some clarity when I am out of center.
Experiencing ego-death
After having experienced an ego-death on a high dose of edible cannabis I saw that all the things I was doing coming out of my ego construct were just masks! Masks to fill up the other part of life we are so afraid of, the emptiness!
The best way to explain this is boredom. We are so afraid of boredom because it makes us feel so empty inside.
I had the feeling this is what dying feels like, it is like melting together with the emptiness.
At one point in the trip this bored/empty feeling became so big that I had to give into it, I had to let go and accept it as a part of me. After this I felt energies flowing through certain parts of the body and borders started to dissolve. I completely melted together with the environment. Strangely enough this feeling didn't feel like a new feeling at all.. suddenly I remembered having this experience many times when I was a little kid. I remember this most of the time happened to me when I was sick in bed with a fever. Strange huh?
Lessons from the abyss...
There is one big lesson I got out of this experience, I can't run from this empty feeling. I can only accept it and allow it to be part of me. Before I was constantly filling up the emptiness with being connected, being attached to the screen, food, smoking weed,... and many other addictions... I never gave the emptiness the space to breathe. Now I see the importance to be in silence, the importance of breathing. I need to find a balance and allow emptiness in my life.
The result of never allowing the time to be bored in your life, being busy all the time is...
Once habits of business fall away for a while there will be a big crash of emptiness waiting for you and this can pull you down completely. Don't resist this when it happens, just allow it to take place, the sun will pierce through again after the cloudy days...
After all my experiences and confrontations I finally start to accept that I am out of balance most of the time and I am not so free as I thought I was...
It gave me some new perspectives on my habit patterns and my addictions. I can see a new direction in life. Learning to be more spontaneous, learning to take action coming out of the center/silence... don't think to much about things to avoid confusion and judgmental thinking, just allowing my thoughts to be as it is. Even allowing my addictions - to not create a resistance - but looking at them from a different viewpoint and learning from them, try to look what is behind of the curtain of each addiction to understand the mechanism of the mind...
Following the path of non-doing is where real spontaneity comes from...
Thanks for reading if you made it this far and I am curious to hear about your experiences of the mental world vs. the real world.. See you below the ying/yang belt 😆
Images 2,3,4,5 & 6 courtesy of Pixabay
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Hey man! I saw this post a few days ago and quickly read it. At that point I knew that I had to wait until I had the time to really dive into it before I made a comment. I have some free time now and I read the post about 10 times to really take it in. This is a beautiful and deep post. The first thing I thought was that you can not run away from the past. Wherever you travel your issues will travel with you. I have experienced this too. Everyone wears a mask. When you are with family you have one mask. With friends another and with strangers another. Some masks feel more true to your real self than others. But you still wear them to keep the peace or for other reasons. This quote seemed very powerful, "So the truth might be rather that I was running away from myself instead of looking for freedom". This is what I have done and many other people. We feel that by moving locations that we are experiencing freedom but in reality we need to look within to free ourselves. I have personally experienced the vast emptiness through deep meditation. In my experience it was a wonderful place that when I was there I did not want to leave. When I came out I felt sad that I was no longer there. It was a place of total contentment. I have a pretty busy live but I try to give myself one day per week to just be present and still. I hope my experiences and insights help you. I realize that I may not of fully grasped exactly what you wrote about.
Wauw, thank you for your beautiful comment! I truly apreciate it a lot.
It think you grasped the main point of the story :) and thanks for your insights, they are very meaningful.
Spending some time in this silence or being fully present at some times to find a balance and practice being centered is a good way to go I feel.. I am finding more quiet moments in my day to observe/meditate without forsing myself looking for free time, I just pay attention when these moments present them selfs to me and then try to grab the moment for practising being present... if the ego allows it.. lol...
Thanks for that. I resonate with it all. My ego death seems far away although I suspect it’s only a decision away in each moment. But the ego is strong and my addictions are also strong.
I know what you mean, addictions and attachments can be very strong... Most of my addictions are still present very strong but at least I can accept them now and stop trying to force myself to be different and by doing this I can more easily observe them when they are strong... watching them from a neutral point of view... this already feels a lot healthier then forcing myself to quit "bad habits".
Step by step I go from now on, not trying to force things like nature does, nature is the best example of non-doing...
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