My bride turns 29 today. I managed to reach 27 years old last month. We are relatively young for the life situation we are straddling right now--five kids, four degrees between the two of us, three chickens, and one house. But we are starting to not feel so young. We have left the "mid-twenties" and are hurling towards the ambiguous forth decade. My wife, Vanessa, is a spectacular woman. She is one of the kindest, wisest, and friendliest people I have ever met. She has this way of drawing you in and making you feel safe. If you met her, you might find yourself telling her things that you've never vocalized before. She has a Masters of Social Work degree, with a focus on school social working, and watches our children like a superhero.
Why am I telling you this? This week Vanessa made a comment about "losing her youth" and made an unhappy, somewhat disgruntled kind of noise. That's when it really hit me that her and I have been conditioned to have different opinions about this period of aging. I get a little excited about each passing year--at least for now--because I often think that I am too inexperienced and even look too young. My wife on the other hand is not super excited about it. I think it is because she carries around this toxic message, somewhere deep down in the crevasses of her subconscious, that her best years are behind her.
Yes, my wife values the wisdom she has earned and the opportunity to pass that through to other women. But she'll occasionally draw negative attention to things like the precursor sign of wrinkles, or say things like "there goes my body." What I hear in her undertone is "there goes my worth." Despite her correct beliefs about the inherent and non-diminishing worth that we all possess, that truth doesn't always land in my wife's heart. Society, culture, family, friends, and regrettably me at times, have communicated to her with both explicit and veiled messages that, as a woman, her value and worth decrease over time.
It doesn't matter that she continues to grow in knowledge, kindness, empathy, wisdom, compassion, and endurance. It doesn't matter that she will sacrifice herself over and over for her five kids and countless other children as a school social worker. It doesn't matter that she finds her place in and solidifies her contribution to the ancient chain of feminine strength and mystery.
These things don't matter because she is told that her worth is rooted in her potential to be exploited as a sex object and that that fades with each passing year.
Not only is the lie "you are less sexually desirable," it goes one step further with "and that makes you less worthy. Less valuable." And I want to be really clear: both parts are lies.
That's not the message that I receive from society. I do experience many of the same aging effects as my wife. My slowed metabolism and sedentary life style remind me of that often. However, as a man, I am told that my value is derived from my potential for productivity. I am in stage of value-growth as I gain experience and reputation in the workforce. It's another objectifying lie. It is just a lie that dangles hope in front of me.
To my bride: this year, may you see the increasing brightness with which you shine. As you move through the lives of those around you, may you recognize the unique blessing that you are. When lies of shame come at you, or float up from inside you, may I be there to catch your gaze and hold your precious, life-giving body. I am filled with excitement to walk the next 29 years by your side as you continue to show me the beautiful world that your eyes capture.
Vanessa, you little Yo-yo master, we love you, and we need you.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
Adele. Play us out!
Image Source: Taken by me
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The photos of your daughters with your wife are so very cute and so loving.
In spite of appreciating that, I must disagree with the premise of your blog. You’re blaming society but the reality is the evolutionary biology of a female means her reproductive worth is coming to a close in her 30s. Your wife is astutely tuned into reality whereas you’re not helping her by lying to her about the reality of her evolutionary biology and teaching her and your daughters to blame society for reality.
Fact is you can continue impregnating females until the day you die, but her reproductive window is closing. And subconsciously this is very important to humans because our hindbrain is programmed by millions of years of evolution.
However, your wife will get over it and find new passions after menopause. So reality is not all negative. And she will apparently be fulfilled throughout her life by having many offspring and a loving family. You have a lot to be happy about. But who ever taught you that reality should be some perfect fantasy where everything is egalitarian, was lying to you.
When I read this loony stuff from SJWs Westerners who think they can just make reality go away as a form of social justice or egalitarianism, I realize why the West will collapse into economic devastation because Westerners have lost touch with reality. Your wife is naturally feeling her reproductive window coming to close and lying to ourselves about reality will not help us. Instead acknowledge the reality and work on making the transition to menopause and post-menopause as inspiring as it can be by developing those interests beyond reproduction. Also there’s potentially something else going on here, which is that she has apparently been saddled with a lot of children from one man, but females are instinctively hypergameous so it’s quite natural that at age 30 women can hit a crisis point where they feel an instinctive need to go get impregnated by the baddest boy possible, even if they are consciously not aware of it.
Here’s a resource for your edification.
It should come as no surprise that I completely disagree, you said as much in your opening line. Initially, I was looking forward to a rousing back-and-forth because people often just ignore the things they disagree with and you chose to interact instead, which I value.
You last line made me realize that we're coming from completely different understandings of reality, biology, and academic foundations of how the brain works.
But then I read your attempted "edification:"
It seems we may be so far apart in fundamental assumptions about life that it would be difficult, if possible at all, to have a constructive conversation.
A gal in her mid-forties here. Instead of worrying about what she may lose, here are a few things that she will gain:
Love that. Thanks for bringing this to the discussion. My wife enjoyed reading it. And she totally does celebrate those things. Nevertheless, there is a persistence to that little shaming voice that was planted decades ago and nurtured by countless external messages. It is a journey to uproot that and she is full force. Thanks again. :)
Sam I love your post because I enjoy seeing the gifs of your family together and the attention to the unsaid beliefs many of us are conditioned with about aging because this gives me hope I will continue to be available and equipped to help with this! I resteemed tonight!
Thanks @jerrybanfield. That means a lot. I've enjoyed following your content, so it is quite a pleasure to see your engagement here. Keep up the good work and feel free to stop by anytime!
Cheers,
Sam
I love this story and feel it very much. I went through a (long ) period of people telling me I needed to do certain things by a certain time or even look a certain way. I am an artist and worked at co-ops for almost 20 years, and even there people told me these things. I actually wanted to have chidren early, but that wasnt in the cards. I had my first (and only) child a month after I turned forty. My job of ten years did not take me back after my maternity leave, which actually I am glad in hindsight of, but it was really a hard blow at the time....And here is the kicker - The man I fell in love with ended up being alot younger then me, something I used to think I would never do. But life has a way of putting things on your plate that originally one may have thought you couldnt handle.
Not only are we are handling it, but my Husband daughter and I are right now gloriously happy and thriving.
Any way, I guess what I am getting at, is to hell with standards like you are saying. life can and is beautiful if you let it be-- just like your magical family.
Love this comment! I really appreciate you boldly sharing these parts of your story.
Gosh, that would be so depressing/infuriating. I love your attitude with it and am glad that it ended up being the thing that ended up pushing you to something better, but I imagine it sucked going through it!
Isn't that the truth! That has pretty much been a repeating lesson every 18 months for the last 8 years. We are often much more capable than we can imagine. I am so inspired by the your "gloriously happy and thriving" family. That joy is contagious.
Cheers to you,
Sam
Your joy, of your children and love of your wife, showed through all the tough truths you were laying on the table for all to share, made me want to share mine. Solidarity <3
Woot woot! I like that. We need more of that in the world. :)
Awesome! Love to see males acknowledge this.
Thank you. :) I have been blessed by some amazing women teachers, mentors, and friends (very much including my wife) that have compassionately taught me so much. I almost shudder at the thought of Sam 10 years ago.
😊💖✨✨✨ True Masculinity.
this is so beautiful, so lovely to read and such an important message. Women have so much pressure on them, it is hard to remember that with age comes timeless beauty and wisdom. Vanessa sounds like an amazing woman and mother you are both lucky to have one another. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for the kind words! She really is an amazing woman :) It has been really humbling and saddening to learn more and more about the almost constant pressure that women live with.
I believe that as women our role changes throughout life. While men can reproduce well into old age, women cannot. So once we can no longer carry children (or in today's world once our family is complete, which can be earlier in life) our role changes to being more of a matriarchal figure; a teacher, supporter and guide. I think sometimes we can find it hard to transition, especially if we end up in the position where we've left it late to start a family or relationship and that's why we keep looking back to the emphasis put on our youth.
Yes, and even in that there are messages, sometimes subtle, sometimes not, about women who cannot or choose not to have children. I think we miss the mark whenever we assign someone a typeface or communicate that their and value is in what they can do or be used for, rather then in who they are as full persons.
Yes. When things differ from the norm it takes us by surprise and we can end up making assumptions. Everyone is uniquely different and some are further from the averages we're used to. It would be lovely of everyone could keep a completely open mind so as not to judge. I think we're slowly becoming more aware though.
Yes. Indeed that is a beautiful future to seek after. I am hopeful, but definitely see the distance between here and there.
Wow, this was an enlightening perspective and wonderful to read. From the first line to the last, reminds me of my own thoughts of late as I approach my third decade here on Earth; it's depressing sometimes, other times, downright cruel. Like picking at a scab, or sitting out in the Sun, its a particular turning, stinging clarity about the whole...life thing, well the feeling is cathartic without getting personal, however, what's everclear is that the narrative that writes of our lives seems a curve on the blade of infinity. (I wonder what it is like to live beyond 100 years?)
My lady (who recently turned 29) and I have been together for about two years, longer than I've managed with anyone else (other than a good friend of mine, a decade.) She doesn't seem inclined to have children anytime soon, though she rather takes care of a few furry ones, we're both still getting our feet wet in this whole "adulting" thing; working a stable income, building a business, "chasing the dream" and always looking to the future together. I love her, truly, but I am also a realist and I know how living in this experience, there are no given guarantees. I take the tram downtown to and from the part time I work occasionally, families visiting from all around the world to the locals out for the day and their children. Like children, adults stare off into space and others look into each other's face. Darting eyes, twitching thumbs, nipping their lips and nodding their heads. Posturing youths, gesturing elders, babbling babies in their strollers, the innocence in the eyes of the newborn next to me as his parents hold each other close and secretly share a kiss as if the love they shared was to be guarded from the ills of the world. The thought passed my mind, how we're all connected; Black, white, red, green, blue, male, female, man, woman, child, on this planet...
(There's ~8 billion of us)
(We're all sixth cousins of one another)
(All we've ever known, has been here on Earth)
Man must see himself in the face of his other; every one has a mother, every mother has a father. She's someone's daughter; he's someone's son. We're all in the same village and the water wheel mill the same grain we gather in the field. Together, we feed the world. So, here's to a brighter future for everyone. When we help one another, there is no greater value in money.
Thank you @ssimkins9 for sharing this.
Wow. That was beautiful. There really is so much beauty and significance that we allow ourselves to miss everyday. Things that otherwise catch no ones attention, when turned to intentionally can reveal marvelous things. Thanks for sharing these pieces of your journey my friend!
You have a lovely family and bride. You are correct, men are objectified for their productivity. One can see this in the tendency for women to identify as "attractive", a man who is seen to be prodictive - often this goes with age, dress style (suits etc) A man's physique hardly matters to many women in their late twenties I think. It is great you point out to your bride, how she is of great value to you and the kids. All should remember to do this in every relationship. I often wonder why females place such a high value on their physical attractiveness when men are more attracted to the qualities that you point out in your post.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment!
To you point:
I think it runs much deeper than what they might hear from one or two people. It honestly starts from day one. Having had daughters and a son now, I have seen how differently people talk about my kids. My girls are ALWAYS complemented for their looks. My son is spoken to about his psychical strength and stature, etc. This message follows girls and women around their entire lives in so many different ways. Those are my thoughts at least.
Maybe your girls are more attractive than your boys.. I have 3 girls and we praise them for all efforts to strive in whatever manner they feel drawn towards. I've also seen boys constantly told how handsome they are.. if memory serves me well, I was told that as a cute boy ,😀 at the end of the day I just wish my daughters spent less money on skin care and cosmetics
Haha, well that's possible. He is a pretty cute baby though.
That's actually really interesting to me. I honestly just do not see that a lot in my day-to-day. It definitely happens, but not anywhere close to the level I see it towards my girls. I wonder if this is a bit of a regional specific thing.
Not sure hey - I teach in an elementary school in Korea. Female teachers always make a lot of the appearance of the boys - almost never about the girls. It's actually one of my pet peeves because I fear the boys one day being expected to fend for themselves, provide selflessly for their wives and families, it doesn't prepare them well if we focus on their appearances as much as they tend to do here. Mothers tend to do that a whole lot. As you said, some girls may have this expectation to look good, and boys carry a different expectation - we ask them to sacrifice their whole lives essentially, for society and family. Personally, it gives me a sense of meaning, and I have no complaints seeing my girls grow up under my wing.
One can only hypothesise if I had embraced the flattery I was given as a young boy, maybe I would have sought a different partner - maybe someone to take care of me in exchange for my wonderful look. It makes me chuckle to think of it - and I see your point - it is a little unfair in many ways because a person's potential could easily be stunted.
That is very interesting. I am always fascinated by seeing different cultures work through these in very different ways. Frankly, I think it is toxic to frame any person's worth or value in a way that connects it to their appearance. Complements and affirmations done appropriately is totally fine, but that desire for significance and acceptance is strong and will cause people to go to great lengths to get. If people are told, directly or not, that physical appearance is their best shot at affirmation, then that will take priority.
Such a beautiful family. Please tell your bride from all of us in the community, she is a superwoman! She is beautiful in and out. Xx
Thank you for this, from both of us! :D I showed her the comment and she was really encouraged to see the positive thoughts on here.
Great post and great family. May protect them and keep you over them @ssimkins9
Thank you. :D They are a great bunch of people!
Actually indeed they are :D
This is beautiful picture of your wife and kids! You are so blessed to have a lovely family! No need to worry about your wife's comment's, it is just a hint letting you know and to assure her that in spite of the sign of aging, she will always be the apple of your eye, and love of your life! That's the best remedy, after all 'age doesn't matter, as long as matter doesn't age!' Be happy all the time and share those moments with her always, and you'll see, you will never hear her say a single comment. Thanks for sharing! I appreciate your being concern with your wife, you must be a loving husband! God bless you and your family! Come and join us at steemschools at: https://discord.gg/uuTxHcC, see you there, i am hongkong&philippines there!
Thank you for the beautiful encouragement. I certainly try to love her the best I can. Unfortunately, I am human and that means I sometimes fail. Haha.
Your family is so lovely. i wish you way much more upvotes in the future! ;)
Thank you very much. I am just so excited to see this level of engagement on one of my posts. It's really nice connecting with people. :D
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The female anatomy is a depreciating asset. That's why men can be promiscuous and women cant. Its pretty much like a rubber band. Use it too much and it looses its purpose
Woof. My man, it sounds like you have some reckoning to work through. I wholeheartedly disagree. Please feel free to push back if you want to dialogue. I value engagement with people I disagree with. Cheers.
It was only a joke, most white-knights would never subscribe to my crazy theories of elasticity.