Hey @camuel 🔆 ... just watched your 'fear' video - it's straight-up and flat-out honest, and I see what you mean about applying your mantra to try and settle yourself on gig day. It was a short vid and you referred a lot to the 'fear' without me really finding out what it is that you fear. I'm not enquiring any more than to ask if you know what your fear breaks down to further? What I mean is that in my experience, 'fear', like 'anger', is a complex state and can therefore be broken down into smaller elements for examination...that's my 2p.
Thanks for all your support my friend, it's really great!
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Thanks for the reply. I'm trying to keep my videos down to under 10 mins and closer to 5 if I can, simply because I know that if I see a video beyond 10 mins I generally skip it. Yup, I know. I love the idea of talking though. I didn't know whether I would, thinking that I'd probably keep longer form for written posts. Dunno. Might flip it around.
From the self analysis I've done, it seems that part of the fear comes from impostor syndrome, and by extension fear of being judged. I'm judgmental myself for reasons which I've yet to fathom, but I know it's a failing of mine I should keep working on. They say awareness is the first step, but when you've been on step 1 with that for years, it gets kinda tiresome. I'm not sure how to break those pathways. I want to feel love and compassion for my fellow man.
...and for yourself? You can feel love and compassion for yourself? If so, it's the same thing. If not, then (IMO) that's step 1...no?
I don't follow. Could you explain a little?
I know I have expressed self-loathing, but that is largely down to the fact that I seem unable to be the person I would like to be, treating people with contempt for having the audacity to try and engage with me when I'm clearly busy with more important things. That kind of thing. It's not what AA teaches, and yet...
Just the basic notion that I don't think it's possible to give to others what one does not possess oneself! Finally, when I did try for the first time in my life (aged 40+) to turn a gaze of 'love' on me, myself, the response shocked me - I recoiled! It was almost a physical thing (though in my head) and had powerful and unexpected push-back. I'm saying that if one wants to feel love and compassion for others, one has to know what it means by targeting the self with those feeling first...and of course I have no idea if you have or you have not :D
That's what I'm saying....
I get you now. I don't know about giving and taking love though. I feel like the love is there, it's just obscured, you know? I need to free myself to reveal it. So if I can uncover the love at my end, there's more likelihood that it'll come back. Something like that anyway.